Category Archives: blog

four things i want you to know

  1. Thank you for all your suggestions and recommendations about getting back into Warhammer 40K. I read a ton of blogs, watched a ton of videos, and determined that the Dark Imperium box set was the best place for me to start. Because I am into the story and not too concerned with tournament play, that box gives me all the rules and lore, as well as a bunch of models that I can put together than then paint according to which Space Marine chapter I want to play. I’m still leaning Blood Angels, because that’s the chapter I remember, but until I finish the book, I won’t make a final decision. I’ll share whatever janky paint job I end up doing at some point in the future. Again, thank you to many people in the 40K community for reaching out, and being kind to me. I have a TON of novels on my Kindle, now, too, so I can dive even deeper into the story and the world, if I want to.
  2. Progress on this novel I accidentally ended up writing has recently been a real struggle. Some days I have been getting a lot of words out, and others (like today) I just sit here and can’t put words together. I’m wondering if I painted myself into a corner yesterday, and if I have to backtrack until I get back on track. Here’s a little bit from this week’s work:

    Stephen walked up to the frisbee where it had landed in the grass, and said, “Hey do you guys want to go to my house and play D&D?”

    Jerry isn’t here,” I said. One of my many skills was observing the obvious and sharing it with my friends who had already made that observation.

    It’s fine. We won’t play the campaign. You’ll just go into a dungeon and fight stuff.”

    With our regular characters?”

    With exasperated, exaggerated patience, he said, “Yes. With your regular characters. We just won’t count experience and you can’t die. It’s just, like …”

    It’s like the mirror universe,” Larry said.

    Well, not exactly, Stephen said. “You’re not going to be evil … I mean, unless you really want to.”

    When we played D&D, I always wanted to be a good, honorable, honest character. I was playing my idealized self. But for a moment, I imagined my Lawful Good wizard, Joral, who was sworn to stand for the safety and protection of the citizens of Flanaess, using his staff and spells to terrorize them instead, steal their gold, and reduce their villages to rubble. The opportunity to release some pent up aggression and frustration was more attractive to me than I probably would have been willing to admit.

    Freed from the risks of permanent character death, Joral would charge headlong into the first group of innocents he saw, fireballs exploding from his fingertips, engulfing them in glorious flames.

    I would never have admitted it out loud, but the villagers who fell in the face of Jor-al’s wrath would look a lot like Evelyn’s mother, a few of them would look like the adults in the casting office, and at least two of them would have looked like my mom and dad.

    That sounds radical,” I said. “let’s do that!”

    But if you die, you’re out. You don’t get to resurrect.”

    That’s fair,” I said.

    But we’re still alive in the campaign, right?” Larry asked.

    Stephen rolled his eyes. “YES! Jeeze! Are you even listening?”

    Well I want to be sure!”

    Why would I even say that we’re playing in the mirror universe and then put you in the regular universe, without Jerry even being here?”

    Maybe it’s like a Twilight Zone thing! I don’t know! Like you make us think it’s a fake universe but it was real all the time!”

    Oh my god you are so lame,” Stephen said.

    They stared each other down for a long thirty seconds or so, and I wondered if their weird (and to that point amusing) nerd fight was going to turn into a real fight.

    I like this scene, because I was watching these kids play frisbee, and then I was listening to them, and then they were arguing the way kids do about nothing important, and I just transcribed the voices in my head.I’m just over 44000 words, now, and it feels like this is going to finish at around 60000 words. This is still the puke draft, where I just puke up everything I have in my head onto the page and worry about fixing it later, so there’s a good chance that this won’t end up in the final draft, but it’s at least a nice foundation to build upon later.

  3. The series finale of @midnight airs tonight, and I’m in it. I made some jokes, and got to share the stage with brilliant people who make me feel cooler and funnier than I am. I’m going to miss the show so much.
  4. Today, Bandcamp is donating 100% of its profits to support the Transgender Law Center. If you’ve been waiting to get any of my audiobooks or experimental music, today would be a great day to do that.

Okay, that’s what I want you to know today. What do you want me to know?

i have an idea…

I have this idea to make something as a unique art project. It is either the craziest, dumbest, most impractical thing ever … or it’s a crazy, dumb, impractical thing that will be awesome.

I will need exactly one million people, from anywhere in the world, to make it happen. I wonder if that’s possible.

Feel free to speculate, if you’re into that sort of thing.

making space to be creative

One week and about ten hours ago, I decided to step away from Twitter for a little bit. The specific details aren’t important, and I suspect that many of you reading this now are already nodding in agreement because you grok why. But I took it off my phone, and I haven’t been to the website on my desktop since. For the first 48 hours, I spent a lot of time wondering if I was making a choice that mattered, and thinking about how I wasn’t habitually looking at Twitter every few minutes to see if I’d missed anything funny, or to see the latest bullshit spewing forth from President Fuckface’s mouthanus. I was, ironically, spending more time thinking about Twitter since I wasn’t using it than I spent thinking about it when I was.

It started out as a 24 hour break, then it was a 48 hour break, then it was the weekend, and here we are one week later and I don’t feel like I’m missing anything important. I feel like I’ve given myself more time to be quiet and alone, more time to reflect on things, and I’ve created space in my life to let my mind wander and get creative.

I’m not creating as much as I want to, and I’m starting to feel like maybe I’ll never be able to create as much as I want to, but I’ve gotten some stuff done this week that probably wouldn’t have gotten done if Twitter had been filling up the space that I needed.

Here’s a little bit from my blog post that became a short story that grew into a novella that is now a novel, All We Ever Wanted Was Everything:

My mother was leaning against her car, talking with one of the other moms, when we arrived. My sister was throwing a Strawberry Shortcake doll into the air and catching it while they watched. I walked out of the bus and across the blazing hot blacktop to meet her.

Willow, catch!” My sister cried, sending Strawberry Shortcake in a low arc toward me. I caught her without enthusiasm and handed her back. “You’re supposed to throw her to me!” Amanda said, demonstrating. Her doll floated in a lazy circle, arms and legs pinwheeling, before falling back down into my sister’s waiting arms. The writer in me wants to make a clever reference to how I was feeling at that moment, about how I could relate to Strawberry Fucking Shortcake, spinning out of control in the air above us, but it feels hacky, so I’ll just talk about how I wanted to make the reference without actually making the reference, thereby giving myself permission to do a hacky writer’s trick without actually doing it. See, there’s nothing tricky about writing, it’s just a little trick!

It’s still in the first draft, and I may not keep all or even any of it, but after putting it aside for months while I was depressed about too many things to look at it, it feels so good to be back into this story.

Oh, speaking of writing, I got notes back from the editors on my Star Wars 40th anthology submission. I thought that, for sure, they’d want me to rework a ton of it, but all they asked me to do is change a name! And they told me it was beautiful! So I’ve been feeling like a Capital-W Writer for a few days.

And speaking of feeling happy for a change, Hasbro and Machinima announced that I’m a voice in the next installment of the Transformers animated series, Titans Return. And it feels silly to care about this particular thing, but Daily Variety put my name in the headline, which made me feel really, really good.I’ve always felt like the only thing that should matter is the work, and that the work should be able to stand on its own … but that’s not the reality even a little bit. Daily Variety is the industry’s paper of record, so when it chooses to put you in the headline of a story, people pay attention and it matters in the way that can make the difference between getting called for a meeting, or the last ten years of my life as an actor.

It’s also a good reminder that, even if I’m not getting the opportunities I want to be an on-camera actor, it is entirely within my power to create the space I need to be a writer.

 

depression (still) lies

One of the super fun things about living with depression and anxiety is how my idiot brain can go from “CAN DO!” to “EXISTENCE IS SUFFERING” faster than you can wish to take two strokes off your golf game. So today started out normal, and very quickly became a rough day. One of the ways I help myself through days like today, is to acknowledge that I’m sick not weak, and then take one step after another to get out from under the lead apron that Depression likes to drape over my life.

I just answered an ask on my Tumblr thingy that has helped me feel better, and I wanted to put it here, so it’s easy for me to find again the next time I need it:

==

Q: what can I do to bring myself out of depression?

A: It isn’t easy, and accepting and understanding that is the first and very important step to getting through it.

take two minutes today to tell the FCC to protect network neutrality.

Without the Internet, I’d be just another failed actor struggling to make ends meet. Because I had the same ability to put together a website and reach an audience as anyone else, I was able to put my words on your screens, and eventually into a book that got into many of your hands. If Comcast or Verizon or AT&T or some other big telecom decided that regular guys like me had to pay some sort of protection money to have the same ability to reach you as Google or MSN does, I never would have been able to get WWdN off the ground, much less found Monolith Press, publish Dancing Barefoot, and start an entirely new career as a writer or have a second act in my acting career. There would be no Tabletop. I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty happy that Tabletop is in the world.

We successfully fought to keep the Internet open and free just a few years ago, but it’s under attack again, another disastrous consequence of the Trump administration.

Here’s Consumerist on what is at stake (again) and why we are here (again):

Why is it in trouble?

The FCC that passed the Open Internet Rule was led by chairman Tom Wheeler, during the Obama administration. When the Trump administration took office in Jan. 2017, the FCC changed too.

At the end of January, long-time net neutrality foe Ajit Pai was promoted to the big seat and became the Commission’s chairman.

Pai has been gunning for net neutrality since the day it was adopted, if not sooner. So although in 2016 a federal court upheld the rules, Pai wants them reversed — and now, he has the means.

Because gaining a majority at the FCC is, on many key issues, basically a matter of partisan math, Pai will absolutely succeed if he wants to, regardless of literally tens of millions of people arguing against it.

Today is a day of action. Today, we are asking all Americans to take two minutes and contact the FCC, to make your voice heard, and make sure the FCC knows that you want network neutrality to be protected. Ars has a good collection of essential reading about network neutrality, but if you only have time to read one of them, here’s a concise guide to writing a comment to the FCC.

Two minutes, you guys. That’s all we need from you today. Please, take action.