324 thoughts on “depression lies”

1. Uncanny timing as I just had my first session in therapy today…and I’m so ready to see the fog begin to lift.

2. ClayRobeson said it best. My mom and my best friend both battle with the depression demon. Neither one likes to talk about it, but I know seeing other people talk about it gives them strength. Thanks for speaking up.

3. I’m actually here today because I attempted suicide four years ago. I was 25 and dealing with the effects of 10 years of physical abuse at the hands of my brother, 2 years sexual abuse at the hands of the same brother, and, the hardest to deal with, 2 years of mental abuse at the hands of my first boyfriend, all of which I experienced before the age of 16. I was severely depressed and suicidal for as long as I can remember, but never attempted because I thought it was cowardly and never sought help because I didn’t think I needed it. When I finally did go to therapy, I got stuck in a vicious little circle where I couldn’t get better until I started to feel better and I couldn’t feel better until I started to get better. This was the state I was in when I finally did attempt.

   I had broken my foot a few months before I started therapy and still had most of a bottle of Vicodin left over from that in my medicine cabinet. One night after a fight with my on-again-off-again boyfriend (who has thankfully been permanently out of my life for almost 2 years now) I decided I was just… done and went for the pills. Thankfully, I have trouble swallowing large quantities of pills, so I only took one before I thought, “What the Hell are you doing?!” and stopped. Then I tried to call all of my friends, couldn’t get through to any of them because it was 3am and they were all asleep, cried a lot, passed out, and woke up refreshed and with a stronger than ever desire to change things. That night, that attempt, was one of the best things to ever happen to me because that was the turning point; that was when I realized I needed more than just therapy to get through. Thankfully, I only needed to be on anti-depressants for a month because the moment the chemicals got into my brain and tricked me into feeling better, I started getting better, and the moment I started getting better, I started genuinely feeling better.

   I will say, however, that I think suicide prevention hotlines are misnamed. They’re great if you’re feeling really bad and you need to talk to someone, but, in my experience, if you’re in a state of mind to actually talk about committing suicide, you’ve already decided to live and if you’re going to actually try, you don’t tell anyone about it. The hotlines are more like emergency therapy than something that actually prevents suicide.

4. I appreciate you.

5. Wil, thank you for sharing this – I have a good friend who suffers from depression – with suicidal thoughts – and lately I’ve been dealing with it as well. My friend has been on meds for the last couple of years and is doing much much better. In my case it stems from my type 2 diabetes and since I do know the root cause of it I’ve been somewhat able to manage it without meds or talking therapy – I take enough meds for the diabetes. I do not have thoughts of suicide but there are days when I’ve come close. It does help quite a bit to hear and read about stories like yours and Jenny’s so again thank you.

6. I suffered from a number of problems for years. It got to the point where I ended up quitting any sort of day job work in 2004 because I just couldn’t handle dealing with people on a day to day basis. My wife finally convinced me that it was time to seek help not too long after we got married. I was diagnosed with OCD and I started on a regiment of medication that has saved me from myself. I’m not cured but I now have control over my life again. Thanks to my lovely wife, I’ve been able to start my own business where I can work in my home studio and creative. It’s not easy to control your demons but you can get help by taking that first big step.

7. I’m so glad you’re happier than you were. If I have any ambitions for myself at all – either about four years from now, or when I’m 40 – that would be first among them.

8. The hardest part, I think, is recognizing that it’s coming up on you and nipping it in the bud before it becomes an ugly monster. Living in SoCal has made a huge difference for me as I have very infrequent episodes since leaving the PNW. I recall a commercial for some depression pill and the Mom or Dad being too depressed to play with their kids. That really resonated with me and a huge motivation to make sure that it doesn’t affect my son. I think it’s genetic as my Mom, Grandmother and Great Grandfather all suffered from depression. I hope in the near future they can just get the seratonin flowing a bit better without drugs that cause side effects. In the meantime exercise and being outdoors helps me the most.

   Thank you for sharing!

9. Thank you so much for posting this Wil. I too have suffer from Depression and Anxiety and take meds and the social stigma surrounding this stuff still blows my mind. I’ve lost a couple friends to suicide and it’s just terrible. It’s good to see these things being discussed.

10. Thanks for the post, Wil! You went up a couple notches! I didnt think that was possible! I have been working through depression for about 3 years. I function fine for work, but when I get off work, its off to home, where I do nothing. I have almost no support. I cant afford medical benefits, even under the new rules, my family is no help, all they say is: “Get over it”. I have one friend, and he is so happy with his life that he cant imagine someone having a bad life. So what do I do? I struggle through it. Its tough, but there are many things on the Internet that I read that help. I love reading Jenny’s blog. It actually helps alot. And your blogs and tweets are awesome. Thanks.

11. Wil, thank you. You’ve always been so open with your blogs & posts on FB & Twitter. I like many of those who posted already have depression & anxiety (mine was triggered by PTSD after a medical incident). I suffered for 7 years before I sought counseling, & then medication. I strive every day to “make it a good day”. Your words have added to it today. =)

12. Depression may lie, but when you are in the depths of depression it is hard to remember that. I have suffered depression my entire life. I have seen a dozen different doctors, I have been on dozens of different medications. Ultimately it appears that my depression is “Treatment Resistant”. That means that there is no magic pill for me. The closest they could get was making me absolutely, completely numb. I felt absolutely no emotion and just did not care about anything. As far as the doctors were concerned, that was just as bad as being depressed and suicidal so I was thankfully removed from that medicine.

    My every day is a constant barrage of my own mind telling me that I am ugly, that I am worthless, that I am unloved, and that I will never be loved.

    You are lucky, Wil Wheaton. You have had a life that I could only dream of. You have thousands of people that love you and would do anything to be your friend. You have loved ones that show you that you are loved.

    I wish that I could have even a fraction of the life that you have had. I wish that I could understand what happiness is. But I can have neither of these things. The only thing that really keeps me going at this point is that I don’t want my passing to cause my mother undo hardship and emotional distress. However, once she has passed I suspect that I will be shortly behind her.

    Please enjoy your life and never forget that you have received so many blessings that many of us only wish we could ever achieve.

13. I could have easily written something similar to this myself, but only recently as it took me hitting rock bottom and giving into my own anxiety before I got the help (and meds) I so badly needed. I too have suffered from depression and anxiety (and recently have been told to add Paranoid Personality Disorder to the list – joy -_- ), but with meds and the help of a doctor I am doing much better now.

    For years I told myself similar lies and could not figure out why nothing was changing. I was merely kidding myself for all those years – it is only now that I recognize that fact. Kudos to you, Wil, for speaking out about a very real issue that many people deal with, even if they will not admit it to themselves.

14. Most people don’t know about how crippling depression and anxiety can be for those who suffer from both. Oftentimes it takes someone who’s been there to understand completely.

    Thank you for your compassion and empathy, Wil. It means the world to fellow sufferers.

15. Yep. @theblogess is awesome and so are you. Depression lies. Having others share their stories helps a lot.

16. Wil. I never thought I would try and share this, and I may chicken out before I hit post, but several years ago my hetro-lifemate committed suicide. We had been suffering several ailments and addictions together, and while I thought shared troubles were in the past, he proved me wrong by committing suicide a few months after his daughter was born. While it has taken me many years to not think of him daily, there are still more days of the week where I want his advise and support than not. While I have been depressed myself to this same point, I feel that I cannot do this deed as it would be a regurgitation of the past. I see the long term effects on those close to the situation, and am too weak to put anyone else through the same I have gone through. Bah, if this hits my wall I need to delete. Thanks Wil.

    1. Ok, where the hell is the delete button.

       1. Thank you for not hitting that delete button.

    2. You are not weak. Your compassion for those who love you is a strength.

17. Pingback: Nine Years and One Week - Life Unconstrained

18. I have those moments outside of the loud room here and there. None of them have lasted for me… most recently, I managed to go two weeks without falling into a deep funk about anything, but it’s rare I can get through a whole month. Still trying. Never giving up.

19. Thanks for sharing this personal subject, Wil. I’ve had friends with clear signs of depression, and, like me, they’re young, and unsure how to handle it. I’ve also experienced severe signs of anxiety myself, and it’s so hard to go through when you don’t have direction on what to do. I like that people rally around and recognize the problem. I know talking won’t solve the problem, but I always hope posts like this and saying it’s a real problem inspires people to help their loved ones with depression get through it and get help.

20. Three and a half years ago I found myself terrified of parking lots after giving birth to our third child. Yes, parking lots. The anxiety and fear was paralyzing. My friends and my husband all told me I should talk with my doctor and when I called her she didn’t even hesitate to get me the help I needed. See, I lost my Aunt 22 years ago to post pardom depression and I knew it was a slippery slope I was walking all alone. Little did I know that two weeks later my Father in Law would pass away. I remember the moment I realized my fog was lifting and I sat in the car and just sobbed…I felt FREE. I felt like me again.

    I have loved people who did not have their fog lift and whose light was snuffed out too soon. Right now someone who is my sun and my moon is battling depression and anytime the phone rings late at night I wonder if *this* is the call. Depression does lie because the force behind love is gentle and pure. Love can withstand anything. Thank you so much for posting this, it touched so many of us deeply.

21. I battled a 15 year long depression, but for me it was the symptom of a much more serious progressively getting worse mental illness. Yes my life at the time sucked (It still kind of does) and even on medication I was depressed or angry all the time. Life dealt me a s#!tty hand.
    It was after I had lost most of my friends by moving across the country that I decided I needed to do something. Medication alone wasn’t helping and in Canada we don’t usually do the talking cure. So I focused on the negative aspects of my life and thought about solutions. I started by focusing more on positive things, sure they were few and far between, I was living on disability and had a nightmare for a psychiatrist that was over medicating me. But I did have a few good friends on the west coast that could help me through my depression. I found that when I got really suicidey I would smoke pot and feel marginally better. I am a strong proponent of medicinal marijuana, and I would be dead without it. Dead.
    I was really depressed originally because the only woman I ever wanted to marry had betrayed me and I broke up with her. I missed her a lot. Then I was diagnosed bipolar affective and my life fell apart. I stopped working and I stopped socializing for YEARS. My diagnosis destroyed my feeling of self worth. The doctors that were involved did a really bad job of telling me in a way that would mean my life would continue. So I moved in with my mom. I built a very small circle of friends on the west coast. I’m originally from Ontario. I just existed.
    Then I really cleaned out my life. I focused on positive aspects and stopped getting upset about the things I couldn’t do anything about. It worked somewhat. I was still down, oh I should mention I tried anti-depressants but had a severe reaction to everyone I tried.
    Now I’ve moved back to Toronto and reconnected with my friends from when I was a teenager. We still get a long great, and the decision to come back improved my mood even more.
    I can say I’m happy now, and Thank You Wil Wheaton and Jenny Lawson for speaking out about awareness. 1 in 4 people have some sort of mental illness and depression is common, there are solutions. It just takes a lot of work.
    To Quote the Bloggess: Depression Lies.

22. Thank you for talking candidly about depression. I’m a psychologist, and one of the things I hear most often is that “no one understands what this is like.” That’s followed closely by thoughts of the stigma that is associated with depression, anxiety, and any other mental illness. Thank you for being open about something that affects millions of people. Every time someone reads your words, or Jenny’s, they’ll realize that depression can affect ANYONE, and that it’s not something to be ashamed of.

23. I know exactly what you went through. I did have suicidal thoughts…for years. My doctor put me on meds for my depression and anxiety and I feel so much better. Some days are better than others, but I don’t hear that nagging voice in my head that constantly reminds me how depressed I am. Someday I hope to be off the meds. I hope you continue to feel better. I hope everyone who needs help, gets it.

24. Thank you for sharing your story Wil. My wife had a really bad bout with depression, but was able to get the help she needed to get better.

25. Thank You for sharing this, never know how much someone needs to hear this.

26. “It’s like I was in a loud room for so long, I didn’t know how loud it was,” I said, “and all I have now is the ringing in my ears.”

    Exactly. That’s exactly what it is.

27. Thank you so much for posting this. Both my husband and I have battled with our depression over the years, but he’s really been deep in it this past year. He’s had to take a break from the world – hates to leave the house, doesn’t check emails, doesn’t return phone calls, etc. – and every time he wants to poke his head back in, he dreads the question “Where have you been, man?” In his words, he feels like our society doesn’t look as kindly upon “I’ve been out of touch because I’ve been overcoming my depression,” as it does “I’ve been out of touch because I’ve been overcoming cancer.”

    Even though I am the big Wil Wheaton fan in our house (and he just rolls his eyes at me), I am going to ask him to read this blog post – because I think it could potentially inspire him take that first step to get help.

    If he does, I will be eternally in your debt.

28. I’ve been dealing with depression for over 20 years now. Daily medication helps push it back enough so that I can do the things that help me deal with it. I am also near-sighted and not ashamed of wearing my glasses either.

29. Bravo, Mr. Wheaton. That must have been difficult to do.

30. Wil,
    This hits home for me because I had a similar situation with a friend, he was 25. Although it hasn’t been 10 or 15 years, I still often think about who he would be now. Anyone who needs help should get help and your post might just give someone the courage to do so. Thank you, sir.

31. There are probably at least as many people out there who are avoiding medications that could help them because of the social stigma as there are people who are taking medications that they don’t need. If this helps even one of those people give medication a shot, then you’ve done the world a great service.

    Likewise, if this can help one person think twice before judging someone who is on medication, you’ve also done the world a great service.

    Thank you for writing this.

32. Not only did you become about 6.022×10^23 more awesome you also made me cry and now all my firends are looking at me like in emotionally unstable. But still Thank you

33. I have no words except thank you!

34. It’s never easy to admit that we have depression. I was first diagnosed at 9 w/ both severe depression and bi-polar tendencies, medicated until I had an adverse reaction to the medication, which I later discovered was too high and thus caused the emotional imbalance. I struggled through it trying to find every shred of a reason to continue. At times suicidally depressed, starting before I even was close to realizing what life was. I’m now in my mid-twenties, non-medicated for 12 years, and the pain I went through fighting my depression taught me to be stronger. Now I help those who need even just an ear to listen to what they have to say. I still struggle for a reason to get out of bed sometimes, but as you said, depression doesn’t have me. That statement alone helped me a few years back, corny or not.
    Peace to you, let nothing hold you back.

35. Wil,
    I’m sorry for your loss, and suicide is a real thing. I lost a few friends to it years ago. Both of them where i their 20s. It isn’t like I never thought about it myself. I did many times as a young adult,
    I tired to kill myself on 2 different occasions growing up

    I think my father having a stoke a few years ago really put my life into prospective. I cried and hated the fact that my dad wasn’t who he was when i was growing up. His laugh isn’t the same, he isn’t the independent man he once was. But it made me see what life was really about.

    It isn’t about ourselves, it’s out our family, our children, our legacy that we leave behind.

    no matter how painful today is, tomorrow is full of hope and dreams. WE have to live for those days, if we don’t, we end up living a life full of doubts and disappoint.

    We are all full of potential, we just need to make sure we see that, and forgot the stuff that brings us down, and understand that life isn’t going make things happen over night.

    that’s just my 2 cents.

    tomorrow is another day, and for all that are depressed and lonely, Don’t dwell on the past, look at the future, and the lone ones you do have.

36. Thank you for posting this. I’ve been in talk therapy for over 20 years and on medication for most of that. I recently had a crisis and took a leap of faith and hired a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist. He diagnoses me as depressed with boarderline personality disorder. He doesn’t like the fact that I’ve been on medication so long and wants me to try and come off them eventually. My life has been a revolving pharmacy and while they’ve kept me from splitting apart at the seams they haven’t really “cured” my depression. I’m looking forward to a healthier, happier life so I can go on my life’s adventure of sailing on the Barque Picton Castle. To whoever is reading these comments and Wil’s post, please know that there is always hope, always help and suicide is not the answer. I’ve been there and I have a nice little scar to remind me everyday how low I was. Seek help before it gets to that. Thanks.

37. Thanks for being so honest…I love the loud room analogy, I may just have to steal it! I am happy that the fog has lifted for you!
    <3

38. Thanks, Wil. It’s gratifying to know someone who I admire is like me.

    I’ve lived with depression since I was a small child. I was on meds for about a month when I was 18. Once I became aware that they dulled all my emotions, not just the good one, I knew I had to stop. I told myself that I could manage it myself, and luckily I was right.

    I’m now almost 38 and take it a day at a time. Once in a while nothing helps except a brief emotional breakdown. It’s like heavy thunderheads roll in, and the pressure builds and builds until finally a single lightning bolt sears my brain and I begin to sob uncontrollably. Afterward I feel better and move on.

    My friend Seth was 40 when he took his own life on August 30th. All his buddies knew him as the most laid back, happy dude. He joked, he partied, he had fun and he made us all laugh. But he was an intensely angry person. Unfortunately his parents bore the brunt of all his rage. None of it found his closest companions.

    I can’t say enough that if you’re hurting, seek help. I hope your message finds at least one person in need of help and does so.

39. Thank you for posting this. I know how hard this must have been to post this for the world to see, but I just wanted to say I appreciate it. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone. Thank you!

40. Depression manifests itself in men a lot as anger.
    I was a raging berzerkaholic for many years. Spending 15 months in Baghdad with stuff exploding so often it made me twitch was the culminating event though. Like Will, I never had thoughts of suicide, but I wanted to DESTROY…well, everything. Eventually, I got to the point where I was the guy, that if I had been someone else, I would have avoided.
    Some years, and awesome behavioral health buddy, some meds (took a while to get it right though) and most importantly, a wife who is so stubborn, even when I was a flaming asshole, she knew I could get better, and I am better.
    I have even spoken at a few suicide awareness/behavioral health stand-down days the Army has had. I am not ashamed of how I get here, and I want other guys to say “hey that guy is cool and he went to BH and got help, maybe I can”
    and yeah, the noisy room/ringing thing is something I can relate to. I told people it was like walking around in the fog and only having about a 10 foot bubble where you could see clearly. Some SSRIs later… The fog lifts, and you are like “holy shit, I can see, there is a lot of stuff here!”

41. Another member of “Team Prozac” here. I’ve been on meds steadily for 10 years now. Never any real suicidal thoughts, but pre-meds there were some real hard days. And recently I had to add one of those “add-on” meds to deal with the return of those days. I don’t really recall the early days on meds when the suffocating feeling started going away, but I remember the days when I knew I needed help. Thank God for doctors who don’t think that I’ll just “get over it” and who LISTEN when you ask for help. And thank God for husbands (or wives) who learn to understand the dark place we find ourselves in and offer and hand to hold.

42. Thank you so much for this post, Wil. I rarely talk about my history with depression, but I had severe depression when I was in high school. Years of being bullied relentlessly, plus loneliness and an unhealthy relationship made me suicidal. I spent close to three years feeling consistently suicidal and neither therapy nor medication helped much.

    I began to feel better once I graduated high school. I got out of my abusive and unhealthy relationship, which further helped my recovery. Five years post high school and I’m happier than ever, healthy and live a wonderful life. I do still have issues with anxiety – something I’ve now realized I’ve had my entire life, but I have my coping strategies and make do without medication.

    More attention needs to be given to mental illness and the stigma needs to be removed. Mental illness is a reality for many people at some point in their life and people shouldn’t feel the need to hide it or feel ashamed of it.

43. BTW, if you are on meds and things stop working, go to the doctor. First time, I had an additional med added, second time I was diagnosed with sleep apnea. Take my word for it, sleep deprevation does nothing for depression. Pre-apnea diagnosis was the closest I ever came to feeling suicidal – it was NOT a fun place to be.

44. Thanks for sharing, WW. I’m right there with you; it took a pretty severe episode to get me to take my pills, I didn’t want to be dependent. But I basically am, so so be it. My doc just switched me over to something new (to me, not new on the market), which had been impressively effective.

    I don’t have your comparatively awesome life, but at least I can function well enough most days to appreciate what I’ve got.

45. I just cope with it. I tried the medication years ago, I didn’t feel it helped at all. Sure, it allowed me to “function”, but I felt high all the time, like a tiny little amphetamine jitter, and most importantly it made me feel completely detached from my emotions. I was flat, robotic, unnatural – not suicidal, but not really alive either. The depression wasn’t gone, it was merely overlaid with a muted, kind of fake set of emotions. After three months of that bullshit, I quit the pills and willed myself out of my stupor. Lucky for me, I’m as stubborn as they come, and staying off those psychopath pills was enough motivation to prop myself up enough to get a new job, write some music, and get a piece of my old life back.

    Since that experience, I can recognize the tell-tale signs of anti-depressant meds in others, and I still don’t like what I see. If it works for them, great, but for myself, I’d rather live with it and own my struggle, than chemically become someone I’m not.

46. Thank you. I’ve lived with depression for most of my life and have taken medication for a long time. I don’t hide it but I don’t often share. My last suicide attempt was 20 years ago when my son was three. I got help, but I still kept telling myself I only had to live until he was grown and didn’t need me anymore. He’s off in the navy and I’m still here, still finding a reason to hang on every day.

    1. I know exactly what you mean, Yvette. My kids are the only reason I get up in the morning. I remind myself I brought them into this world and I have if I have to live through hell for their sake, then that’s what I gotta do. I might not consider myself a great mom, but they don’t care about that. I do not have the right to abandon them.

47. Thank you for this, Wil.

48. (hug) Thank you for sharing your tale. It is so important to share this experience without shame—thank you, thank you, thank you.

    I’ve been there myself. It took a radical punch of the ol’ re-set button in my life, and a decade to find my contentment. But it happened, and I am glad.

    I wish that everyone will, someday, be able to get the help they need to confront the lying bastard that is depression.

49. Having lived with depression for the majority of my life I totally get where you coming from and I hear you. I also agree that most people over medicate instead of trying to deal with their issues in a more complete manner with the therapy and such but I find that, at least for myself, the medicine gives me space in my head to recognize and stop myself from going down the spiral of negativity.
    That being said, I have also been suicidal for most of my life and early on I found that religion (raised catholic and feared going to hell) kept me alive for the beginning years. Now that I’m an adult and I have a son, my therapist told me this. Children of parents who commit suicide NEVER recover. My love for my son has kept me on this earth and will continue to do so until forces other than my own will take my life. Good luck in your journey and your own struggles and know that even in your darkest hour, you are never really alone. You are needed by someone. Someone loves you. Someone looks up to you. It’s probably your crazy cat though. 😉

50. Thank you. I don’t suffer from depression, but some of my friends do, and it’s so hard for me to say to them that they deserve to be well, even if that means therapy or medication or both, because I haven’t been where they are. I look forward to a day when someone with depression is treated the same way someone with arthritis is.

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