Patrick Stewart and I were participating in a charity auction. We both had our TNG uniforms to put on the block, and a room filled with over a thousand people was waiting for us to bring them onto the stage … but I couldn’t find mine. I searched a seemingly infinite number of closets in a hotel room that seemed to change size and configuration, thwarting my increasingly harried efforts to find it.
Then I was on the street in front of a different hotel. I needed to check out, but my suitcase was locked inside my room, and I didn’t have a key. I climbed a precarious fire escape and made my way across a cavernous lobby atrium — looking and feeling like something out of Angel Heart — to finally get inside the room.
When I got into the hotel room, I realized that I had to change out of my clothes. I didn’t know why, but I knew that it was incredibly important that I do it. I began to change my clothes, but when I took off my shirt, it revealed another shirt beneath it. When I took off that shirt, it happened again.
I had to check out of this hotel room, or I was going to miss my flight to Australia, but before I could leave, I had to take a shower. But I couldn’t take a shower until I changed out of my clothes, and the clock was ticking down. I began to panic.
I opened my eyes and saw my bedroom dimly lit by the faintest grey light of dawn through my blinds. My heart was pounding, my body was covered in sweat. Cold terror washed over me as I woke up, and I realized that I was in the middle of a panic attack.
This used to happen to me on an almost nightly basis, but it hasn’t happened for years, until this week. This week, it’s happened every night. I’m starting to dread going to sleep, creating what I think is a self-fulfilling prophecy, an orobouros of anticipation and terror.
I breathed as deeply and calmly as I could, willing my heart to calm down. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real. I repeated, in my head. Just stress dreams. You’re okay. You’re okay. You’re okay. You’re okay.
I’m not okay.
By any objective measure, I don’t have a good reason to feel stressed or worried or even mildly upset about anything, but my brain is broken and it does this to me when I least expect it. Like it’s waiting for to me work long and intense days, so I’m tired and weak when I climb into bed, so it can launch a sneak attack when I’m least able to defend against it.
My heart settled down. I realized that I hadn’t had any feeling in my hands, when feeling began to return to them. I sighed heavily, and frowned. This isn’t fair. I should be able to go to sleep without fearing what is waiting for me when I get there. I was frustrated. I was a little angry. I was really, really exhausted, even though I’d been in bed and sleeping for close to eight hours.
I was filled with a mixture of adrenaline and dread, and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep. Though I didn’t technically need to be up and out of bed for another hour, I angrily kicked off the covers, and got out of bed.
This isn’t fair, I thought. This isn’t fair.
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So sorry to hear Wil. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you, and wish I had a magic wand to make it better. I follow another blog where, among lots and lots of other things, she has chronicled her search for things that will help with her severe panic attacks. dub dub dub epbot dot com (she’s Jen, the CakeWrecks lady)
Please accept this great big (virtual) squishy hug
Nonjudgmental ninja is here to assure you that your new RPG show will be a roaring success. And even if it isn’t, you had a blast making it.
Anxiety and depression are a real problem today (millions of people suffer from it), yet there continues to be a stigma. I appreciate your honesty, and hope you get the help you need.
May I suggest you try Transcendental Meditation? You seem like an ideal candidate for it and anything’s better then pills.
Oh man, that sucks. I, too, suffer from depression and anxiety but have never had anxiety manifest itself while I was sleeping. It was usually before sleeping that my brain would not turn off. More power to you, brother. I hope things calm down for you.
When I was having stress based insomnia, my sleep specialist prescribed trazodone. I’d take a couple of those and be knocked out for 10-12 hours. After a week or so I’d made up my sleep deficit and was feeling much better. I do not however suffer from clinical anxiety or depression.
What I’m suggesting is talk to your Psychiatrist, or see a sleep specialist.
Best wishes!
I appreciate so much that you talk about these things on your blog. It has help me enormously in dealing with my own anxiety and depression. I had a really bad bout of depression this past weekend that really scared me. All of Friday I felt numb, like a vortex in my chest was sucking all of the good emotions out of me. It just got worse and worse all day, and when I got home from work the most I could manage was to curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep. I told myself that it would be better in the morning, that I was overtired and that a good night’s rest would make it all better. It didn’t. I woke up feeling worse. My brain just kept telling me I’m worthless, that I contribute nothing to the world and I’m wasting space and resources by existing, that everyone in my life would just move on if I disappeared and it would be like I was never there at all.
But at the same time I remembered a blog post you made a long time ago where you said “Depression lies”. So I clung to that idea, kept repeating it to myself over and over, and finally I was able to drag myself out of bed, eat something, get dressed, all these little things that seemed so pointless and impossible. Your blog post has helped me so much, and I can never thank you enough. I wish you all the best getting through your current problems with anxiety.
I remember that same post Kayla, and had a similar mantra for myself before I’d read it. It was extremely helpful to know that someone else had one too. My depression is situational though, and the situation really can’t be fixed. So I do my best to stay emotionally afloat. Sometimes, I just have to isolate and ride it out so as not to inflict it on others. If I can’t isolate I’m just as quiet and invisible as I can be. I also remind myself that it isn’t all depression, but grief of losses, since my health keeps me very limited. Grief and depression aren’t the same, but are getting bucketed, and it doesn’t help that people think they are experts and want to ‘help’. Your post here IS VERY helpful. You get it, and it will help me get through something I have to do today, when I’d rather call today my cheat day and go have a hot fudge sundae by myself…
Thank you, Karrie. It’s really nice hearing other people’s stories and knowing we’re all in this together. I wish you all the strength to do what it is you need to today, and in the future. 🙂
You’re welcome Kayla. It was a bad day after all, but I lived. And, I had a bunch of bad dreams last night, after a couple weeks of not sleeping enough. I have a theory, that when one does get to sleep after even a couple days of sleep deprivation, the brain goes into overdrive doing what it needs to do to catch up when asleep. So the dreams run amok. The episode of TNG, Night Terrors, where they talked about humans needing to dream, they weren’t kidding. I bought books on sleep dep shortly after that when my troubles were happening (coincidence in timing) and it’s scary what can happen to a body, sometimes permanently, when sleep deprived. I’m living proof.
Will, I think you’re a cool dude. Nightmares can suck a butt.
I MEANT WIL FUUUUCK… er, um, it was a metaphorical statement referring to the tenacity that one utilizes to overcome adversity… yeah, that’s it.
I hope the endless turmoil, the tighteni g of the chest, the feelings of dread, terror, and confusion, and that hopelessness that comes with knowing you are at least somewhat unable to control this somehow come to a stop.
I’ve ended up in the ER because of these a couple of times, convinced I am having a heart attack or a stroke. It is devastating when your brain turns your back on you.
I hope you start dreaming of a nice relaxing steam bath with some monkeys in Tokaido, roll 20s on your Will saves (no pun intended), and all in all feel better.
And whatever you can do to help it, do it.
You are an awesome person, and I hope you feel better soon.
I used to have had constant panic attacks in my sleep, usually after I have been reliving my rape in an nightmare. I think my insomnia has actually developed from that period, when I got too scared to sleep. Eventually it became less frequent as I dealt with what had happened to me and started to heal. Perhaps this streak of panic attacks is being caused by something, maybe time to touch base with a therapist? I wish you well, I hope you get some restful nights of sleep and thank you for continuing to write about this stuff. You are an awesome advocate for people with mental health problems, and I really believe that you are making huge strides in reducing the stigma attached to having these issues.
I feel for you, Wil. I have low-grade PTSD from a car accident a little over a year ago, combined with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. There are good days and there are bad days. We just take it one day at a time.
Oh my. Please give yourself a big hug from me.
You might want to check your meds to see if any of them can cause vivid (wild) dreams as a side-effect. In my case, once I knew that they were medication induced, the anxiety component disappeared and the dreams became more like a bad, poorly edited movie of which I was the star.
Hope This Helps
This is how I cope with the wildly vivid and sometimes disturbing dreams. Having done research and speaking with my doctor and pharmacist I know that this is a side effect of the meds. But some nights, it is just too much so I get up and snuggle up with one or more of the furkids and a book.
Panic attacks are terrible. I really hope they go away again soon. I wouldn’t wish a panic attack on my worst enemy.
Once again, I am so appreciative of your talent & skill as a writer. You really lay it all out so we can feel what you went (are going) through. Horribly experienced and very well written.
I stand with you and hope for better nights for you.
i give u big hug buddy… live is beautifull
Wil – the description of your dream, a classic anxiety dream filled with your personality and experiences, is priceless. I hope you find relief.
The old showing up to a charity auction without your starfleet uniform dream.. Second only the showing up for class without your pants dream.
Bonus points for referencing Angel Heart.
I’m having a totally different “my brain is broken” problem this weekend, which I won’t detail out for fear of someone stealing the novel I’d inevitably write and getting rich. I did, however, just want to thank you for sharing your frustration and struggle — sometimes it’s just really good to know you’re not alone — even if those troubles are unique and deeply personal.
No, really: thank you, Wil.
I wish I knew of a way to deal with this myself. Living in fear of it all is unbearable.
Hang in there – know you are not alone – and consider yourself HUGGED.
I, too, deal with nightly “fight or flight” episodes jolting me awake and leaving me physically and emotionally exhausted – and totally unable to get back to sleep. For me, it’s the crazy “change” we women folk have to deal with. There’s no safe treatment – all we can do is find ways to deal with it and muddle thru our sleep deprived lives. I don’t even fight it anymore – I just accept it as part of who I am. I just get up and watch a movie – watch some Tabletop – log on to Wildstar and kill some MOB – or fire up my 3DS or PS3. Replace the ‘dread’ with something I enjoy. You know – lemonade out of lemons. And take naps whenever I can!!
With that said, can I say that your blog read like the first chapter of a novel … and I am quite intrigued with how it all plays out!
Keep creating! Play More Games! Peace!
Dot stress so much. It freaks some of us out.
I want more tabletoppywoppy. Your games thingies seriously makes me happy. I’m a social rapecase, and happy people with lots of friends (like you) getting sad online make me sadder, makes me open up another tabby java api doccies and climb back into my workies. Games talky maky me happy though 🙂
Sorry Wil, but don’t stress so much. Someone said peace so I’ll also say that.
I sometimes have nights where my brain manages to run at least on two tracks seemingly all night. One will pick about 8 bars of a tune and repeat it over and over, one will go over and over something that has happened that day, worrying at it, or perhaps what will happen tomorrow. . i do find that anything too exciting at night will make it worse, like a committee meeting, especially one that gets a bit tense for some reason, or watching anything too highly charged on telly at night. i tell you what, on those nights I would happily open my skull and take my brain out and drop in on the floor just for some restful sleep! 🙂
This really sucks. I really hope it gets better soon. I can’t really imagine what a panic attack like that is like. I sure had my fair share of waking up from some bizarre nightmare, but I calm down pretty much the instant I realize I was dreaming.
My son had a period where he had night terrors pretty much every night. Waking up but not really, flailing and screaming in blind panic. Impossible to calm down for 10 to 20 minutes that seemed like eternity. It was a terrifying sight and situation and – as I said – I can’t (and really don’t want to) imagine what it’s like from a first person perspective.
Wil, Xanax….
Sorry to hear of your encounters with the panic monster. I encountered him at twelve, ignored him for twelve years but finally found someone who understood and did help. I’ve been living without the hourly panic attacks for thirty years. Don’t accept them as normal. I hope you have access to a psychiatrist that will prescribe the correct dosage and monitor your reactions. I’ve been following you for years, (okay that sounded weird) love all of your work- and know- you deserve a panic free life.
From one Panic attacker to another….you attack it! (wow, sounds like a bad eighties song. Sorry dude)
Best Wishes
2G
Wil, feel better soon.. You’re in our prayers. Sending positive vibes your way….
Thanks for this post. I’ve never been able to explain to my partner what stress dreams are like. He’s asked me a few times how I know that they are stress related, and the best I’ve ever been able to explain is that they are Through the Looking-Glass. I can’t get on top of them. They don’t make sense. And as soon as I solve one issue then another problem is thrown in my way until I force myself awake to make it stop.
So I read him your post because it was touching and the voice of a third party, and he understood a little more. Thank you, as always, for sharing.
It sounds like you need a hypospray, Wesley.
I have no idea how to leave you a private comment, but this is not something I usually share with the general public. Wil, I am so sorry about your anxiety and your nightmares. That feeling of being a time bomb because you have no control over when your brain is going to turn on you. Not to diminish your experiences AT ALL, but I’ve gone through the same time bomb feeling as an epileptic. My seizure disorder is completely out of control and that terror, that feeling that my brain could turn against me at any moment is a horrible, horrible one. I’m so sorry that you have to experience that too. I’ve never written to a celebrity before (and I’m a huge fan of yours), but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in that feeling. Thank you for setting such a wonderful example of someone who lives with that fear and continues doing what they love. I wish I could be as brave!
You are so damn human. Thank you for revealing something so personal, and writing it so beautifully. Now, on the nights I don’t want to sleep, I’ll feel a bit less alone.