Patrick Stewart and I were participating in a charity auction. We both had our TNG uniforms to put on the block, and a room filled with over a thousand people was waiting for us to bring them onto the stage … but I couldn’t find mine. I searched a seemingly infinite number of closets in a hotel room that seemed to change size and configuration, thwarting my increasingly harried efforts to find it.
Then I was on the street in front of a different hotel. I needed to check out, but my suitcase was locked inside my room, and I didn’t have a key. I climbed a precarious fire escape and made my way across a cavernous lobby atrium — looking and feeling like something out of Angel Heart — to finally get inside the room.
When I got into the hotel room, I realized that I had to change out of my clothes. I didn’t know why, but I knew that it was incredibly important that I do it. I began to change my clothes, but when I took off my shirt, it revealed another shirt beneath it. When I took off that shirt, it happened again.
I had to check out of this hotel room, or I was going to miss my flight to Australia, but before I could leave, I had to take a shower. But I couldn’t take a shower until I changed out of my clothes, and the clock was ticking down. I began to panic.
I opened my eyes and saw my bedroom dimly lit by the faintest grey light of dawn through my blinds. My heart was pounding, my body was covered in sweat. Cold terror washed over me as I woke up, and I realized that I was in the middle of a panic attack.
This used to happen to me on an almost nightly basis, but it hasn’t happened for years, until this week. This week, it’s happened every night. I’m starting to dread going to sleep, creating what I think is a self-fulfilling prophecy, an orobouros of anticipation and terror.
I breathed as deeply and calmly as I could, willing my heart to calm down. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real. I repeated, in my head. Just stress dreams. You’re okay. You’re okay. You’re okay. You’re okay.
I’m not okay.
By any objective measure, I don’t have a good reason to feel stressed or worried or even mildly upset about anything, but my brain is broken and it does this to me when I least expect it. Like it’s waiting for to me work long and intense days, so I’m tired and weak when I climb into bed, so it can launch a sneak attack when I’m least able to defend against it.
My heart settled down. I realized that I hadn’t had any feeling in my hands, when feeling began to return to them. I sighed heavily, and frowned. This isn’t fair. I should be able to go to sleep without fearing what is waiting for me when I get there. I was frustrated. I was a little angry. I was really, really exhausted, even though I’d been in bed and sleeping for close to eight hours.
I was filled with a mixture of adrenaline and dread, and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep. Though I didn’t technically need to be up and out of bed for another hour, I angrily kicked off the covers, and got out of bed.
This isn’t fair, I thought. This isn’t fair.
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Anxiety sucks, man. I’m so sorry.
Positive vibes and support offered…. I hope you’ll get through all this ok.
….I thought I was the only one…
Stress is real, and so is terror over what might seem like nothing to others. I empathise.
It isn’t fair. It isn’t fair in the fucking slightest, and don’t you ever, for a minute, believe it is. You don’t deserve to feel shitty or frightened or angry for no reason.
But you do feel it, and I’m sorry that you do.
If it helps at all, bear in mind that you’re doing things to help it, taking medicine, talking it out, processing — you’re doing good things, and in the end, those things will help out.
Love from the random internet, Wil.
And thank you so, so much, for making your struggle public, even when it isn’t immediately gratifying or better, so other people don’t have to be ashamed of what waits for them when they sleep, too.
I’ve been there, buddy…
Anxiety stops when you stop living in the future. (A weird thing to tell someone who has been in as many Sci-Fi episodes as you have!) Make a plan, work the plan, make progress, and the anxiety will go away.
I wish that there was some magic sentence to make the feeling go away, or at least to patch them until they can be dealt with. If there is, I don’t know of it. Just remember that there are those of us that understand, care and wish we could help. You are not alone.
And no, it isn’t fair – it’s never fair…
Ugh. Sucks and you’re right, it isn’t fair.
I hope you’re all right, Wil. If you need to talk to someone, you know where I am.
I know that feeling. I live with that feeling. And some days, it feels like no one can really help. I know you have great people in your life, and a good support system. I hope you are well, because you are awesome and people like you make it easier for people like me to be a little more brave when things seem dark.
I feel for you, and interestingly enough my husband’s anxiety/ocd/depression decided to poke it nose in things this week too.
Maybe its something in the air/
Oh my god this is me, exactly, right down to the sense of dread and not being able to feel my hands. I never even considered I could be having panic attacks in my sleep.
It’s gotten slightly better, but I have to play iphone or DS games until I physically can’t open my eyes anymore. Thank you for posting this. Knowing that someone else goes through this kinda helps.
Stupid broken brain chemicals. :/ I hope you can find something to help.
Anxiety/stress dreams suck, hon. I’m so sorry that your head is working against you right now. Remembering to breathe is a good start, and just keep it up. Snuggle the dogs, snuggle Anne, and breathe. It’ll pass. It might take longer than you want, but you’ve survived before. You’re tough, and you’ll make it through, and just remember that you’re not alone.
Do you know Jenny Larson (@TheBloggess)? She has a great saying: DEPRESSION LIES. You are right, it’s not fair. Thanks for sharing – you’re not alone and neither is anyone else.
Shit, this has been happening to me regularly for years, different dreams but that description of waking up is just the same, even down to the not having any feeling in my hands. I always tried to brush it off, saying to myself “just a nightmare, everyone has them, get over it”. Reading this is eye-opening.
Shit, looks like I’ve got some serious thinking to do.
I really appreciate when you share stories such as these. Today in my MOPS (Mom’s of Pre-Schoolers) group we were sharing our fears. Everyone of us shared anxiety over being good enough and not failing as parents. It is so important for people (like you) to share to lose the stigma over mental illness.
That sucks, hun. Wish it would go away permanently. 🙁
Will, If you ever need someone to just talk to about things, I will always listen. Panic attacks are the worst. I had one at work a few months back in front of all my colleges. Since then I have been taking one on one CBT sessions . it’s really been helping me deal with so many issues and insecuritys. I enjoy telling people about CBT because of the off chance they DO look into it and it end up changing their lives.
but right now I’m talking to you as if I was talking to my sibling, Will, pls pls get help Immediately !! You are a loved person by Millions of people , this effects us. Pls keep us in the loop, don’t stop saying how you feel..always.
When I was younger, around 10 or so, I would see these giant, partially rigid blobs. They were almost clear, but not quite. My brain would make me think that I had to pick them up and move them, but I knew I couldn’t. I would silently fight my own brain. It would tell me to move these weird blobs and I would tell it that it was impossible, the blobs didn’t really exist. I would sit, or stand or lay where ever I was and fight these crazy thoughts in my mind. Finally, I don’t know how, I would convince my brain that the blobs really weren’t there, they would disappear, and I would be okay.
I’ve come to realize that those were panic attacks. I don’t know why I suffered them at such a young age, or at all. I don’t have that manifestation of attacks anymore, they were terrifying, but attacks still happen.
We’re here for you, sending supportive vibes and thoughts your way.
You may not be okay, but it gets better. We can’t focus on the negative. Tomorrow is another day and it’s up to us to make it there and better for ourselves.
There is nothing rational I can say that will help. I just hope you feel better.
It happens to me more times than I’ll admit to my wife. I can only tell you what HELPS me … I use some essentials oils on a tissue next to the bed. Three drops of vetiver oi, three drops of cedarwood oil, and three drops of lavender oil. Then I put a drop of each on the back of my neck. It helps calm my mind. You can diffuse this also, which is nice too.
Not magic. But since I started using this on a regular basis it’s helped me to get better sleep without the horror.
I hope you find a way to get better rest, Wil. You have a lot of people around that can empathize.
You’re right, it’s not fair at all. Anxiety makes no sense; it lies. I can’t fix it, so I’m reaching out to affirm that it’s OK to not be OK. You’re awesome, Wil Wheaton.
Oh man. If it’s any help to know you aren’t the only one…I have similar situations when my anxiety is flaring. And I don’t know why it happens, and I’ll think…there’s no reason for this, what is causing this, and berating my brain seems to make it worse. One thing that has helped me is a technique I learned called the ‘body scan’. It’s a mindful practice, and it helps me to fall back asleep when my body is in full panic mode. I hope this period passes soon for you.
For what it’s worth, that’s when I reach for the Rifftrax – I may be up, but being able to laugh helps…
I used to have night terrors like that, a lot. For me it wasn’t anxiety, it was PTSD. Fortunately for me, it was treatable but unfortunately treatment made the night terrors worse for a while. During my night terrors I would wake up and find myself on the floor or standing, sweating and heart pounding. I’ve ripped things off the walls too. I guess my point is, I understand, I may not know how you feel but I understand and you’re not alone. It takes courage to share experiences like you’re having but I hope it helps you a little to know that there is so much support. I’m just a face in the crowd, but people know you and it helps others to know that even famous people struggle.
While it won’t take care of the issue, I hope you know how helpful your willingness to talk about this is. I had my life blow up last week and my depression has resurged worse than ever. I think I’m going to have to go back on the antidepressants and go back to therapy to deal with it. But knowing there are others out there feeling the same way helps, even though I wish no one had to ever feel this way.
TL: DR: thank you for your openness. It helps more than you can ever know.
Its really great to hear that you have a plan of action in place. Wishing you the best !!
Thank you so much for your kindness in leaving me a reply. Any support I can get is so helpful. Take care of yourself. 🙂
There is always a reason to why a person feels Anxiety, the truth is…… we first have to learn how to be honest with ourselves, then we can start to really see the problem. Something I posted on my Facebook a few days ago.
Mental Tip of the day from a mental kind of guy.
Everyone has permission to Take a 5min break from the world, sit down somewhere you are comfortable, close your eyes and relax. Take deep breaths from the stomach. Inhale with the thought of clean,healing air and exhale your mental waste.
During this time ..
Ask yourself: What are my thoughts telling me?
Try it, you might be surprised to learn what your thoughts are saying
smile emoticon
It’s a great way to understand why you might be feeling a certain way. It’s are thoughts that lead to are emotions. Not the other way around. Taking the time to listen a little closer to your thoughts might bring you to understanding why we make certain decisions.
Remember, people are gifts to each other….have a great day.
Update with Jareds situation:Below
I go through cycles of having really horrible panic attacks at night as well. Sometimes I go a year without having them, only for them to pop back up again. Sometimes it’s as simple as having a routine or an item I take to bed and I tell myself “doing this means I won’t have a panic attack” (Mind over Mind, I guess).
Sometimes I just have to exhaust myself before I can get any real rest. And sometimes I just have to accept that I’m not having a good week and that it doesn’t mean that everything will always be like this.
I hope yours get better soon bud.
Thanks for sharing. I thought I was the only one too. It hasn’t happened for a while but it’s always horrible and unfair when it happens. Plus, it’s the cycle of being stressed about something that causes the panic attacks which means you’re more stressed about the thing because you’re tired and so on.
Bleh.. I hope the panic attacks stop soon and you get a good night’s sleep.
My son always tells me to ‘dream things ok’. I like this, it makes me smile, and then my dreams are always ok.
Sending peace and love, light and life, and gratitude for your willingness to share. {{{hugs}}}
Sleep panic attacks are like a Grue in the darkness. You don’t know where it is, if it’s even there at all, and when it will strike. And that’s terrifying all by itself. But going to bed knowing that whatever will happen is going to happen and the only thing you can do is prepare to defend yourself when you wake up has helped me drastically to face the Grue. I go to bed sometimes just chanting “It’s okay. I will breath, I will realize I’m safe next to my wife, and I will wait to go back to sleep when I’m comfortable.” Don’t try to defeat the Grue, just be prepared to survive the Grue.
I’m there at the moment too. Stupid anxiety/stress dreams, for no good (or bad, or any) reason whatsoever. I know it’ll pass, I know my brain isn’t as badly broken as it feels in those moments.
However, at stupid a.m. waking with heart pounding, clammy palms and maximum-dread-overload, knowing isn’t the same as believing.
Have you ever been tested for Sleep Apnea? Anytime I sleep on my back, I stop breathing in the night and wake up gasping for breath and with my heart pounding. Sometimes, the experience is accompanied by dreams of drowning, suffocating, or even just a plain old nightmare. Just a thought. Maybe your issue is more physical than mental or a combination of both since one could trigger the other.
Ugh, panic attacks suck. They always find me when I start to relax into feeling good about my life. I never feel stressed before they happen, but they cause enormous stress after. I make a new pre-bed routine to change the pattern of dread/insomnia. I take extra care of myself and do something I enjoy that I wouldn’t usually do right before bed (logic puzzles currently) to try and re-route my brain. If nothing else it’s a nice distraction.
You are not alone in feeling like this. hugs
its not fair, it sucks. You are not alone and you are awesome. sending positive thoughts your way, I hope the madness ends soon
It’s not fair and it sucks and I’m sorry you have to experience it.
I won’t offer any suggestions for feelings I can’t possibly feel.
Know that I and many others will be here to listen when you want to share and I think I can safely say we all wish you well.
I’ve been there with anxiety and depression but I found the true underlying cause and turned my life around.
Maybe what I say helps or maybe you think it’s hogwash, but hear me out…I crashed hard two months ago. My life is good but I felt like something wanted me to kill myself and that scared me into massive panic attacks on top of one another unlike anything I’d ever experienced prior. I had a host of other neurological symptoms out of the blue that seemed to never end and I got help.
But I ended up helping myself when all the medical tests said I was just fine and the hospital only wanted to treat it as mental health. I’ve since learned that all my years of depression and the oncoming panic attacks were caused by something I completely didn’t expect…my diet.
I’ve since cut out all grains, processed foods, and dairy, and for a while cut back to only low-sugar/starch fruits and veggies and started a probiotic designed to fight candida. That last part gave me an added boost that I wasn’t expecting, but I improved so much that I’ve been able to add back in more variety of healthy foods and occasional treats (although I do notice a brain fog). For a while I felt worse, but then the cloud and other symptoms lifted and I don’t ever want to go back to eating sugars and starches. I feel twenty years younger (plus am nearly back to that weight, a big bonus, although I was never overweight). I am more creative and energetic than ever while eating less. And no more insomnia, depression, or panic attacks! In only seven weeks.
Wil, I don’t know if you’ve considered it, but what goes on inside any of us mentally starts in the gut. My doctors found nothing wrong. I did all my own research because I felt like sh*t, like I was dying and even had dementia-like symptoms (I’m only 40, old enough to have grown up watching you and the rest of the cast of ST:TNG every Saturday but too young to want to lose my life to dementia). I can’t recommend enough for people to read Wheat Belly and Brain Maker, both written by MDs (cardiologist and neurologist, respectively).
There is a time and a place to be depressed, but severe depression and anxiety that requires medication (as I had taken and no longer need) may be related to what’s going on in your gut.
Just a suggestion from someone who’s been there, and after following your journey so much like mine (although I also dealt with PPD twice in my life, which is worse than regular depression), I want to share what I’ve learned. It might help you with some of the issues you’ve also suffered.
ps–It won’t help with grieving. I’m sorry about your dog. I put down my horse last fall so I fully sympathize :'(
Like others I have been there. After meditation, yoga, acupuncture cognitive therapy and meds I still occasionally visit that dark airless place. It is a loop, but surprisingly breathing and podcasts (aka friendly and familiar voices) help break the pattern for me. Love to you and others fighting with this.
“By any objective measure, I don’t have a good reason to feel stressed or worried or even mildly upset about anything, but my brain is broken and it does this to me when I least expect it.” WOW, I feel exactly the same right now. I hope you (and I, and everyone who suffers from anxiety) get better soon, because it really sucks.
Greetings from Argentina!
Silly Sil, anxiety is a feature, not a bug! Just look at it that way, and you can be great now, rather than better soon.
you made me look up orobouros. well done, sir.
At first I thought there actually was a charity auction, and I would have pooled all resources to bid on it. i even would have supplied my own lightly padded frying pan for either of you to hit me over the head when I got overexcited. Then I realized what was going on.
My mother always listens to my dreams when I tell her about them and tries to help me find the meaning in them. I’m no specialist, I have no training, I’m a random stranger; I’m also a resident of New York City who has had some really good post-panic attack conversations with sympathetic complete strangers. So thank you for sharing… It’s a truly lousy feeling and talking it out helps… Knowing you aren’t alone helps. So I’m here, we’re here for you and with you, and we agree. It’s not fair.
Thank you so much for explaining that in a way I could understand it. I don’t have, or at least not yet, panic attacks, but I have friends who do, and I could not fully understand their issue or appreciate the intense-ness of their feelings, until now. I know it must be difficult to put your self out here for the world to see and I appreciate what you just did. I am sorry that you are suffering, and you are right, it is not fair. But you have turned a terrible burden into something we can understand, and when understood, we can share the burden. If it helps, I am thinking of you and sending good vibes your way.
Thank you for being so open about this (and writing about it so well). I hate that you’re experiencing it, but it’s so nice to read and know I’m not alone.
When I have bad dreams, I remember that I have control of my dreams (lucid dream) and activate my super powers. Usually that involves being a shape changer, but not just Odo, but also capable of disassembling and reassembling the material around me to make them into other inanimate objects. This generally reduces any risk to minor and something I can win. If not, I can switch to my rewind-time power and try again. I don’t know how much this can help you, but I hope you can find a key to never needing to fear sleep.
I’ve been dealing with the same issue for 8 years. Your description is spot on. Only thing I do is take a painfully cold bath to force my mind to focus on something else and slow my heart rate. It passes in time.
I should add that after a few minutes I turn on the hot water and the feeling of it relieving the pain of the cold is soothing and at that point it seems to stop the panic.
I hate that you’re going through this. You are absolutely right, it isn’t fair. I hope whatever the trigger is stops soon, and you are in my thoughts.
Awwwwww. Hugs. If you want I’ll sit and breathe with you.
No… it isn’t.