I’ve been reading all the comments so many of you left on my last post, and I wanted to take a moment to thank you for your kindness. It really does mean a lot to me, and it really does make a big difference, to know that I’m not the only creative person who is struggling right now, and has been struggling this entire year. It means so much to me that so many of you who are reading this took a moment to let me know that you’re there, and that you care about what I make.
The Internet in 2017 (at least in my personal experience, which is absolutely affected by my depression) is so flooded by casual cruelty, it is overwhelming and suffocating and exhausting. Thank you for showing and reminding me that good and kind people are in this world. Thank you for taking the time and making the effort to reach out to me. You didn’t have to do that, and I’m very grateful that you did.
I went to my brain doctor a few days ago, and talked with him about how much I’ve been struggling. I told him how bad I’ve been feeling, and how hard it’s been for me to do any of the creative things that I’ve always loved to do. He told me that a lot of his patients are having the most challenging year they’ve had in a long time, so it’s not just me. We talked about some different things we could do, and decided to change up my meds a little bit. The adjustment has been tough for the last few days, but I woke up this morning feeling hopeful and … well, not joyful or even happy, but at least I didn’t feel bad. I know that doesn’t sound like much of an improvement, but it really is. It’s going to take another ten to fourteen days for my brain to fully adjust, but I’m hopeful and optimistic that this is going to help me get back to feeling like a person, instead of a bag of failure and sadness.
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I’m so glad you have a glimmer of not-awfulness. I’m sorry you’re struggling – it’s been a year of feeling pretty rough for everyone I know, and adding on creative and brain chemistry struggle seems really a lot to manage.
I’m watching Star Trek TNG lately as an escape and feel real affection for young Acting Ensign Crusher. I know you’ve written that it was a tough time but there’s a real sweetness there.
Thank you for this. I was afraid I was the only one having this,,,,not so great year. I’ve always been a hopeful person despite my anxiety and depression and have been called the Queen of the silver lining on many occasions. This year has been such a struggle for me. Sometimes it sucks to be so completely connected to EVERYTHING. It helps knowing I’m not alone. Neither are you. We’ll keep pushing through together. All of us.
/I have no words right now, so… general presence that’s hopefully signifying benevolent thoughts and camaraderie rather than, I dunno, some creepy stalkery vibe…
I’m glad you’re beginning to feel better. You may feel sad and that’s ok. It’s part of being human. However, there is one thing you are not and that is a bag of failure. Your words and actions have positively effected countless people and demonstrate a love for humanity that an Olympian god would find a struggle to carry. Because some people wish not to see that is no reflection on you. You keep doing what your doing, Wil. There are more of us that love than hate and in the end, love will always win.
I’ll join the masses to let you know how your social media presence affects/has positively affected my life.
Despite the reality, emotionally, my brain, my heart sees you as a friend. I see your posts (here and on Tumblr) and I smile, laugh, worry and/or roll my eyes fondly in turn. I don’t see all of them – because I do not live my life online (despite what my husband says), but I see a lot. And it almost always makes my heart warm.
“Will’s online again,” I tell my husband, scrolling through a patch of Tumblr posts.
or “Where the HELL does Will find all this stuff?” [retro SFF book covers, tech ads, or motel rooms]
or “Will’s tearing up Twitter – saying all that stuff we wanna say (and do) but folks will SEE his words. His words will MATTER.”
or “Oh, man, another career disappointment; Will’s down – wish we could make it better.”
Each day online I say a fond mental, “Hey, Will,” in passing, that I would give to any friend.
I worry about you. I worry about the stress of a life lived so publicly. And I marvel at the strength and bravery you must have to continue to do so.
I began following you/your posts when you started aiming for life improvements – and posting regular progress. Like many, I found your efforts inspiring. I’ve made changes in my life because of you.
In part, because of you, I to have begun writing. Actually pursuing the process of being a writer. After 40 odd years of hating writing – avoiding it at all costs – I now look forward to it. Spending time crafting worlds, breathing life into characters, chasing plot bunnies. My writing is mostly for me – I have no desire to change the world or even make money – and because these stories in my head are demanding to be told. I’ve published a few online (yea for A03), with tiny piles of appreciation from a small circle.
But I’m lucky. I’m nobody and no one has any expectations of me. It makes writing so much easier. Honestly, it makes much of living so much easier.
So, if you want it, I can do this for you. I can tell you that I have no expectations of you. Whatever you write/post is your own, for your own purposes and I take it or leave it (enjoy it or meh it) without any judgement. “This is Will being Will,” I say, and more power to you. You do you. Whatever it is you need to do – even if it is taking a break from this public life you lead. I’d miss you, but I’d be OK. I’d know (or hope) it was what you needed.
And anything you need is ok.
(As long as you’re not being a dick. Don’t be a dick. I wise man I know said that. It’s a good idea.)
I would honestly take just not feeling bad at this point. I’m glad I have seen both those I know personally and those I like and respect elsewhere practicing self-care recently. It helps all of us remain grounded and forces us to face our own self-care head on.
Hi Wil
You are making great steps by ever saying all of this and you can be proud of it. Life is hard, but you make it for alot of people more fun. You make people smile and that is a great thing. You even helped me smile in a tough time and got me into dnd which helped me alot.
So keep on fighting and smile at the fact that you make me smile as well.
Wow, Wil, thanks for sharing. I just came from seeing my Dr too, and she has adjusted my meds too. I have been in your shoes as well. And the one I pledged my life to has rejected me and wants a divorce. We’ve been married 19 yrs. You have a loving wife so count your blessings and start a gratitude journal and it may help you. Merry Christmas!
Sue
I am glad you spoke with your ‘brain doctor’. A lot of us in the mental health field have noticed a sharp increase in anxiety and stress in the last year. I hope that the med changes helps improve your capacity for a wide range of emotions and I am glad you speak of waiting for the full effects to stabilize in your system. I hope that the kindness and understanding from others do indeed help buoy you in this difficult time.
Thank you for sharing and good luck with the new meds. I’m sorry but is there anything we can do to help? Maybe we could suggest new music, send you a picture of Xmas where we live or vote on the whackiest Xmas song. If we can do anything to distract/amuse/help, please tell us. You’re blog helps alot of people, let us help if we can. Praying for you & sending positive vibes (which ever you prefer)!
Every day you are here is awesome. You have a cool house, super cool family and friends and you have had a positive impact on many folks, not the least of which is my daughter. So while the brain chemistry “weather” might get stormy, I hope all those great things help you ride it out. Thanks.
Why are you so awesome? I think it’s your hair….but I’m bald so that can’t be it…..
Will, take care of yourself first. Unfortunately, this thing called social media has allowed a lot of people to believe that can say anything without any consequences or repercussions. That has been the biggest problem. Many times people will say things they would be horrified to know someone said it to someone in person.
You are loved and admired. I for one, love sharing your posts with friends and some with my kids. Thank you for all you do and keeping up the good fight. We are here for you.
I know how you feel, I am going through the same. It’s been, and continues to be very difficult to feel hopeful, but it is there.
Tiny glimmers.
Thanks for letting us know where your at Wil. I’m likely going to be doing the same thing once the new year settles out and I can afford to make the appointment. Please keep us updated, you deff are not alone.
I have been to my brain doctor a few extra visits this year, I am so glad it is not just you or me struggling this year. I do feel better than I have in months, and I am trying some journaling to express my thoughts in a more tangible way. I am no writer, but it does help to put words to paper. If you are anything like me, it’s a one day at a time thing and some days are better than others. As long as we are kind to ourselves and practice self care, we will be ok. Depression lies.
I hope these new meds work for you. I know how hard things can be with depression…I’m coming out of the longest, most difficult depression flareup I’ve had in several years and it’s been so rough. Hang in there. 🙂 <3
I met you many years ago when I was an employee at FAO Schwarz and you were a kind and gracious person. To learn how you have been suffering touched my heart because I too suffer from depression. Thank you for your bravery and putting it out there. I hope you find the right combination of medications to help you. I think I finally found mine. Depression sucks but we can overcome it and we will. Thank you again. Stay strong.
Good luck friend. Depression sucks. I find increasing my Vitamin D3 in the winter helps some. But the biggest improvement was from 2 years ago when I tried the rTMS therapy and stopped taking all of the meds. https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/transcranial-magnetic-stimulation/about/pac-20384625
“Everything Matters” – Babs
You are very welcome. This has been a terrible year for so many. You will never know how many people, including myself you have comforted and helped.
Thank you for existing. Thank you for being honest. Thank you for making me feel less like crap.
As my old therapist told me, the point isn’t to be happy all the time, but to not feel awful all the time. Getting to where you are is a huge improvement.
It’s good to hear you’re feeling better. If you’re fishing for plot ideas to get you out of the writing slump, why not turn your depression into a story mill? Examples:
For a dark, dystopian tale, imagine a near future world where nearly the entire world population has fallen into a debilitating, self-reinforcing pandemic of depression. This would be the human race going out with a whimper, not a bang. We’d lose the will to do much of anything, including reproduce (like the Apathetics in Zardoz), perhaps until the protagonists, a team of psychologists & feel good gurus, discover a way to mass-medicate everyone.
Or . . . a Utopian(?) future where nobody is ever unhappy – either through genetic manipulation or implants, we’re constantly receiving endorphins that head off unhappy feelings and negative thoughts & encourage joy, good humor, and creativity. But of course there’s got to be a catch . . .
I really appreciate your openness about your struggles with depression. I just got out of the hospital on Monday. Had to get stabilized on my meds again and they added a couple of new ones this time. It’s been so long since I’ve been able to be creative, I’m not even sure I can do it anymore. Between doctors and medication, cost of treatment, games of musical therapists, and the social stigma of mental illness, the struggle always seems like an uphill battle. Most of the time, I feel like I don’t have the strength to go on anymore. I get so tired. But when other people are open about their own problems with this awful shit, I definitely feel less alone.
So, THANK YOU, for YOUR KINDNESS. You have no idea how much it means to me.
It doesn’t sound like much of an improvement? Man, it’s a huge RELIEF to see you’re feeling even a tiny bit better than you were…. Thoroughly grateful for it. Thank you for getting help.
Hope the new meds help and don’t let anything “Live rent free” in your head.
I’m one of the lucky ones whose brain mostly behaves itself, but having friends who suffer from depression I know that it’s real and that it sucks. The online (and offline!) world can appear harsh and cruel, but I like to think that the human race is still essentially kind and it’s just a noisy minority making things looks worse than they are. Hang in there, and remember – don’t read the comments and don’t feed the trolls!!
It is a BIG deal to wake up and feel ok, especially if you deal with depression. Unless you have dealt with that level of depression, you can’t possibly understand that not feeling bad is such an amazing feeling. I hope the new calibration of your medication helps and you continue to improve. Even when people are shitty, remember that you are not a shitty person and you’re making an impact on people. I think you are an awesome role model!
…how do you get this gold shit off? (Heights ref, couldn’t stop myself.)
Wil, do you have any idea what it does for me not feeling like such a broken freak to read you simply state that things are shit for you right now so you went to see your brain doctor and made some adjustments and that hopefully that will help a bit? You shine such a normalizing light on such a taboo subject and it’s everything. Thank you.
You rock Wil. And your openness is refreshing. We all have our demons and struggles, and sharing them makes other people know that they are going to be ok. This past year has been trying for a lot of people because it seems like basic human decency and kindness is not important to many. But they still are very important to a lot of people. And there are always glimmers of hope.
Go back to blogging more, and use your social media to point to your blog.
Be well, Wil. And be Wil, well. You’re wonderful and you have a right to rest and take care of your brilliant brain.
Hang in there – you are not alone!
So glad you went for help and that it really is helping.
Dear Wil,
You don’t know what a difference you make. Not only do you make us laugh, and think with your acting and writing and blogging, but you lead by example in how to live in these sometimes horrible, sometimes joyful times. I’m grateful you have a dr that works with you and is aware of how toxic this year has been. It will get better, and I hope everyday you know you and Anne and your family and friends matter.
Hang in there-and have a Happy Holiday!
Julie
Sweet, Wil. You are NOT alone. Big tribe!!! Stick by the fire for a bit, dream a little….write for you; make for you. Enjoy the fam
I’m so glad to hear you’re doing better! Keep fighting the good fight, Wil. For me, at least, “live long and prosper” isn’t just a greeting. I genuinely want both for you.
I’m glad you took care of you. My p-doc is also my priest, and she says that between her two professions she’s never seen this level of General stress, anxiety, and just plain misery. Good on you for doing what you needed to do. We’re here, too – for you, and for each other. <3
I know that feeling well. It’s an odd feeling to wake up in the morning and consider it a victory that you’d like to see the end of the day this time. It’s not a happy feeling, but it’s a start.
It’s also really difficult to explain 2017 to the kids. Luckily, one of ours is only 2, but our 16 year old is asking really difficult questions. Parenting is hard.
Thank you for sharing your struggle and thoughts on a consistent basis. We love you, Wil!!
Thank you for sharing and being real. I wanted to let you know that you are in my prayers and I’m rooting for you.
Proud to be a feather in your wing when you need it, W.
Thank you for checking back in about how you’re doing…it has always struck me as incredibly kind that (along with reminding people that Depression Lies and supporting them in seeking self-care and professional-care) you ask folks to do so. You are a wonderful mental health role model in terms of normalizing asking for help and seeking treatment. Thanks again.
Also, meerkats rock.
Will, I cannot encourage you enough to (re?)read Lynda Barry’s What it Is.
That’s THE book that really helps me whenever nothing is coming.
Especially the parts about when you look to play (with your creativity) and nothing plays back.
Also – and this is NOT saying anything about your medical condition – how could you think about this phase like maturation (of ideas, emotions, your next project…) instead of depression ? It’s been my experience that the two of them look a lot alike.
Inner work takes time and turning inwards and that can hurt as f**k!
I see it over and over with the creative people I work with, especially when they are in-between projects with no vision whatsoever about what’s coming next.
Please hang in there.
Whatever works for you is good. I missed a submission deadline someone I really respect sent to me, but I really could not get my mind organized enough to put together a chapbook all by myself, and I really did not want to hear critical edits, no matter how helpful or kind. In the end I had to decide for my health, not making myself more anxious, not subjecting myself to criticism (not matter how helpful or kind the intent) and let that one go. There will be others. The short story outline for my continuing rpg based “book” can also sit in my mind and as a few scribbles. Pen and paper are working better for me than the computer right now, but I have to keep reminding myself that those scribbles are not pathetic – stories just need to ferment a while. I walk my dog a lot, That really helps. I stay away from social media, and even ask friends to definitely do not text or im me election updates, the latest political outrage, whatever, because I can choose my own time to take it in small doses OR NOT. I know I cannot perform right now, so I’m not. My livelihood does not depend on it. The ego boost I get from a great performance won’t happen, because I just want to hid under my desk at the very thought. Go easy on yourself. Can anyone else filter your comments for trolls and axe them for you?
maybe you can give yourself a holiday gift of a one week news “fast”? :/ like when congress breaks, maybe?
my husband said that helped his anxiety a ton… hes gonna try to do it every other month. 🙂
<3
Thank you, Wil, for being so open about your mental health issues. I wish more people were and maybe then there wouldn’t be so much stigma about it. I’m so glad that you are feeling better! I’m off to a Christmas party at a gaming café near me on Saturday so I can play more games.
Haven’t been terribly thrilled with the world since last November. Some days, I just don’t want to get out of bed. But I do. I go to work and find something to be cheery about – whether I feel it or not. I’m trying to celebrate my wins and not beat myself up over the losses. That’s easier said than done at times. My family loves your wit. We’ve loved watching you grow in both years and talent. We especially appreciate your honesty. Keep fighting the good fight.
So Glad you are feeling better! It take conscious effort to make sure we don’t get caught up in the addictive negativity / hateful behavior we encounter daily on the Internet. As we have seen, it overflows into the rest of our lives and becomes caustic. Like I said in the previous article comment, find the place that is providing the garbage and remove it. You will find yourself in a much better mind space and much more creative. Been there – taking one step at a time. 🙂
As long as you are headed in the right direction (Y) keep your sail to the wind and your bow to the horizon. We are all in this same world/net/boat/whatever together so we have to keep each other safe.