I’ve been reading all the comments so many of you left on my last post, and I wanted to take a moment to thank you for your kindness. It really does mean a lot to me, and it really does make a big difference, to know that I’m not the only creative person who is struggling right now, and has been struggling this entire year. It means so much to me that so many of you who are reading this took a moment to let me know that you’re there, and that you care about what I make.
The Internet in 2017 (at least in my personal experience, which is absolutely affected by my depression) is so flooded by casual cruelty, it is overwhelming and suffocating and exhausting. Thank you for showing and reminding me that good and kind people are in this world. Thank you for taking the time and making the effort to reach out to me. You didn’t have to do that, and I’m very grateful that you did.
I went to my brain doctor a few days ago, and talked with him about how much I’ve been struggling. I told him how bad I’ve been feeling, and how hard it’s been for me to do any of the creative things that I’ve always loved to do. He told me that a lot of his patients are having the most challenging year they’ve had in a long time, so it’s not just me. We talked about some different things we could do, and decided to change up my meds a little bit. The adjustment has been tough for the last few days, but I woke up this morning feeling hopeful and … well, not joyful or even happy, but at least I didn’t feel bad. I know that doesn’t sound like much of an improvement, but it really is. It’s going to take another ten to fourteen days for my brain to fully adjust, but I’m hopeful and optimistic that this is going to help me get back to feeling like a person, instead of a bag of failure and sadness.
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You are definitely not alone. My therapist, in one of our last sessions before she retired, said this was going to be a hard year. Once she saw the vitriol in her person to person observations at home (she doesn’t do online accounts) she knew it was going to be rough. Her best advice was to surround yourself with cheerleaders and those who are struggling but actively combating the struggle whether or not they feel successful. This is as opposed to those who struggle and actively do the passive victim thing.
Following your “directive” to #make things, I did just that. And it was so hard. Like you described in your last post. But I finally did it. Took a whole year. And it is published. But since I self published I am the one who has to do the selling. The book designer pushed to have it ready for Christmas and I haven’t yet been to a book store to do anything about recovering my investment. I somehow can not. I’m doing great with personal sales among friends on facebook and at work.. And with the random people who have seen it in progress… like the girl at the copy shop who has a coloring group. But I can’t find the shield to walk into a bookstore and tell them to invest in my product and trust that the customers will come.
I could just curl up in a ball and cry because this struggle is so real. I don’t get meds for another few months. Just got insurance and the new doctor wants a full work up. Which means EVERYTHING. All the girl things. All the blood things. All the cardio things. And then we get to talk about the brain things. Honestly, if my heart blows up then nothing else matters. I get it. But I also get that my anxiety is TOTALLY fueling the heart thing. I need my brain under control sooner than later. So I have to go through this part of the path “alone”. Which means reading and rereading a lot of your #depression lies posts, #I made this posts, and having to actively tell myself the things you keep telling us. And the things that the Bloggess and the Tribe tell us. And my logical brain has come to a conclusion over the course of your last two posts.
We are just going to have to be okay with unconventional approaches and perhaps slightly slower results on the things that we like to do. You keep teaching us ways around the roadblocks and it is sinking in: harmonic resonance. The harder you push the stronger the resistance. Brain things won’t go away with force. My sister’s answer to everything in her way is a photon torpedo. It works for her. I use a torpedo and somehow the thing gets stronger instead of blowing up. So i have to go subtle, and since I don’t have magic that will change the gravitational constant of the Universe (I don’t think any of us with depression and anxiety do because I still think that its our own defense mechs turning against us). I have to change the gravitational constant of the thing in my way. Which for this new thing (book selling) is going to be giving up on the idea of a spot on the table at a bookstore or several, and going with something personal like the Tupperware home party route. It’s going to take FOREVER. But every sale is a success. Every work you manage to write in these conditions is a success. Wildly acclaimed? No. But still a success. And having the knowledge that others are going through the same struggle and managing helps a lot.
Thanks for being honest about all of this.
Just remembered something that I read on your site back in the Monkey Box days. Gosh, that was about 15-years ago. Unbelievable.
Some wise poster wrote about having a rock garden. They used a large, decorative glass bowl, but any vessel or container would work. In it they placed polished stones of various sizes. Whenever something happened that they felt good about, they’d add a stone–big ones for big things, little ones for little, day-to-day things. The only rule was that you could never remove a stone–ever. Why? Because the good things that each stone represents are yours–forever. No matter what bad things may happen, those good things remain a part of you. No one can ever take them from you.
Obviously, the “garden” serves as a powerful visual reminder that, although sometimes things are shitty, there is still lots of good going on… all the time.
Wow, this is the coolest shit I’ve ever read. I have the hardest time remembering the good things, and the easiest time rationalizing them away when I do. I want this in my life.
Mr. Wheaton, you once helped keep me from doing something really stupid, so I feel like it’s the least I can do to tell you about the good parts of the world when you need to hear about them. Because they are there. My best to you.
Wow. Same thing this past week for me. Good to know it’s not just me …
Wil, I love your willingness to share your struggles. I, too, struggle with mental illness (anxiety and depression). After a bad experience with one medication, I was not willing to try another one. Things got worse and actually became debilitating. I happened to read a post of your’s about medication and how being on medication does not make you a failure. This really helped me take the step to try another medication that has ended up greatly helping me over the past two years. Thank you, Mr Wheaton, for your openess and honestness.
Hang in there, Wil! I hope this change in meds helps. You provoke thought and bring us laughter, sadness, boundless sass, and joy! Keep on just being you. We are more than happy to hang in here with you.
Thank you for being open about your experiences with depression and sharing your creativity. I too live with depression and anxiety. Medications have helped and I am in a much better place than I was for most of my 55 years. Life coping skills came further into adulthood than I needed. Keep up the good fight.
I’m seeing my brain doctor today. Not feeling that bad, but I struggle to sleep lately. Hopefully we will adjust my meds and I can go back to sleeping and not thinking all night long.
I’m wishing you all the best Wil and hope you feel better soon. You are in my thoughts. The daytime ones. 😉
Wil, I suffer from anxiety and depression and they are both very real monsters.
Have you ever considered that you might be an empath?
I don’t know how you stay public under these conditions, but I’m grateful that you’ve managed to so far, all this time. Every day I want to quit, and every day I think ‘But Wil Wheaton is still out there.’ I know that might feel like more pressure, but it helps me handle my pressure, which has got to be very tiny. It just feels big. I’m mostly just a dork, but my worst days are sometimes my best, because someone whispers privately to me I’m doing it right, and they shove me back out there. Wil, you are absolutely doing it right. You probably have no idea how many people have put off a day being their last because they watched you making it and silently followed the path you are hacking through your jungle. I know staring at a ceiling doesn’t serm like hacking through a jungle, but it can sure feel like it sometimes. Much love.
👍
I get it. I have mostly been on a news and social media blackout for the past year. Not to belittle other people’s problems or mental health issues but I do not see much that you should be anxious or depressed about. You have dogs and and a beautiful wife and most likely a great home. Also, I assume that you are not stuck in a soul killing job. That is the funny thing about anxiety and depression. Mental health issues are unreasonable, illogical, and make almost no sense to the people around you viewing the problem from the outside. When I would end up in this cycle, I would need to force myself to take stock of what really matters to me and discard the rest. Not that I count on you responding or reading this entry, I do get it. I live it every day. If you need to vent or play some board games, hit me up.
It must me horror in America at this times for every sensual person. My best wishes..
Btw Depression: the way of curing or treating it is a personal decision. But there are many ways without relying too much on Meds only(Meditation, Therapy, non chemical Meds).Works for me.
You speak for many of us, Wil. Why is creativity such torture? I’m fond of saying, “All great art is born of suffering.” So why do we keep trying to create great art? We write, we act, we direct, and we get recognition for it. Then all I want to do is go away and tell them all to stop looking at me. I’m “a bag of failure and sadness.” I can so relate to that. I just directed a film with Sherilyn Fenn; I should be over the moon with happiness, right? But no, I don’t even want to see it. Why does depression do that to us? I was so excited about that script I wrote for you 4 years ago, but after Chris said he thought you’d be perfect for it, I sabotaged myself. I couldn’t bring myself to follow through on getting further investment for fear that I’d actually have to make the film, knowing I’d be a failure. So I became a failure. You see, we are self-fulfilling prophets. Depression gets what depression wants. And so we take the meds that allow us to function among “normal” people. And we adjust the meds, as you say, not to feel joyful or happy, but just to not feel bad. And we’re thankful for the improvement. As we should be. Our goal isn’t to be like others; that’s foolishness. We can only be our imperfect flawed selves. And for some reason we can’t fathom, people still love us and love our work. That’s our contribution, and perhaps our reason for being here. I’m glad you’re here, Wil. Maybe someday I’ll trust myself to make that film. Maybe your greatest work is still to come. Maybe we’ll make a difference, if not for ourselves, for those who look up to us.
=Marty [email protected]
I’ve been in the same boat for most of the year. Between health problems, financial strain, and the constant assault on our intellectual and emotional immune systems, 2017 feels like a lost year. No. A stolen year. I have found some consolation in the love and support of others, in works of art, in acts of resistance, kindness, creativity, and care, but almost every day remains a struggle.
I hate that I haven’t been my best self in a long time and I feel like a fraud sometimes, trying to sell my newer friends on a version of me they’ve never met. But, I still have hope and I’m still fighting. Despite what the depression tries to tell me, I know what I’m capable of and I will regain the ground I’ve lost and more.
I know you’ll be able to do the same. You’re an exceptional person, Wil, with so many accomplishments to be proud of, many of which affected the lives of others in significant ways. Be patient with yourself. You have so much left to do and say as an artist, but for now just focus on being a healthy, happy human. Some of us have been fans of yours for 30 years now. We’ll still be here on the other side of these trials.
Wishing you all the best, good sir!
Wil, I admire your work, your honesty, and that your are open about what’s going on in your life. Please know that there are people across the globe that would be happy to have such a great human being as their friend, family member, partner in crime. You’re great! You know what struggle life can be with depression and you’re still here. You’re loved, and you don’t have to do anything to earn it. Just be. <3
You are truly not alone, there are many of us that suffer from anxiety and depression and we understand what you are going through. This year has been horrible. My 19 year old daughter died of a drugs overdose and this year has been so hard for me. Christmas is proving very difficult. I want to send you good wishes and hope that you start to feel more like yourself soon.
Mark, I’m so sorry to hear about your daughter. I can’t begin to imagine the pain you’re in.
Thank you
big squishy hugs About every creative person I know is flailing this year. People of goodwill and compassion are suffering so much. And I have to wonder if the drugs that keep us even moderately functional aren’t also taking the edge from our creativity. Do what you must to ride the wheel at the bottom, we will be coming back up around again one day soon.
Thank you for sharing this, Wil. It’s given me the courage to believe that I can get through the dark winter months, when sadness seems to pervade my whole being – and creativity leaks away. Today, I shall de-clutter ‘that’ cupboard and sort items into the three boxes: donate, keep, chuck. Then, perhaps, I can chuck away some of the sadness, too.
I wish you peace, and moments of light and joy. Love to you and Anne.
Hey Wil,
Are you planning to continue the podcast? I kept your ‘mixtape’ type of content with the Scifi theme. Love it.
I have been feeling the same way! Like I really want to create but nothing happens. Just wanted to thank you for your interview with the hilarious world of depression. I wanted you to know that at least one person felt less alone while listening. I hope the med switch adjusts and that you find new creative inspiration as the new year rolls on in. Keep on keeping on and never forget that you aren’t alone!
A haiku for Wil:
Clouded mind, dull thoughts,
The world is heavy and bleak.
But Light is coming.
Breaking through the clouds,
A ray of sunshine beams down;
The horizon glows.
Though they’re heavy now,
Thought’s burdens will lessen soon,
Making room for peace.
that’s lovely. thank you, feonixfur
Wil, we are all in this together until we can clean house and get the fox out of the chicken coop. I am thrilled to see the support that people took time out of their day to give. Chin up and patience we have.
Keep going. This crappy year is almost over. Let’s all try our best to make next year a little better.
Kinda teared up reading those comments. I wish I had been on the right happy drugs far far sooner in my lifetime. I am happy now. For most part.
The most part …sounds like pie. Pie reminds me of When Harry Met Sally…Billy Crystal says in a funny voice “Would you like some pepper?” Now say pie like that….Pie!…Breathing …Pie! Look at the dogs and say Pie! Look at your work and say Pie! Loved ones…more Pie!
Bet you can never say Pie! the same way again!
My soul is happy to read this. The internet wants you to be happy, your nerds are here for you!
Thanks for posting this up Wil and for looking out for yourself. Delighted things are looking up Keep on keeping on Wil x
hugs I’m glad you talked to your doctor and adjusted your meds and are feeling even somewhat better.
Always 🙂
And hugs (have to be virtual sadly) at anytime you need them
2017 has been a rough year, you are not alone. Please know that even though your depression may be telling you differently, you are a light to many of us who also suffer from depression and anxiety. Remember that. Don’t let the trolls get you down. I’m glad your doc adjusted your meds. And when you feel up to posting, to being creative, to sharing your talents with us-we’ll still be here.
Take care of yourself. And happy holidays 🙂
Wil, you’re a light to those of us who /don’t/ suffer from depression as well. Thank you for being you. Thank you for being.
Mr. Wheaton, I’m glad you’re feeling better and hope that you make a transition into “good” in the near future. You’ve done a lot of things that have brought me joy in the last few years and I hope you can get some of that back.
Okay, I just deleted a long ramble about something I suffered through in an effort to express empathy but was really all about me instead. So let me just repeat myself. I glad that matters are currently better and hope they progress to Good and stay there.
Good luck. You seem like a good guy. Stay strong.
Glad things are improving for you. “perfect is the enemy of good” – improvements don’t have to gigantic… Hell, if you had some massive change overnight, you would be heading back to your doctor. I hope you enjoy the holidays – maybe play some games just for fun. Your trek uniform at Last Jedi (gah, my spell correction doesn’t know ‘jedi’ – there goes my geek card) made my week 🙂
You are loved. <3
Glad to hear you’re faring better. Way to take control and reach out. That’s the ultimate kick in the yarbles of whatever preys on us. 2017 was one for the ages and certainly took a pound of flesh or more from many. I hope you have a great holiday.
No, Wil, thank you. It is because of your public acknowledgement and honesty, it helped me realize that the things I have been feeling have a name and that they’re something I can get help with. Struggles with mental health have been such a secret thing–a thing to be hidden and ashamed of for far too long. Too many people who need help don’t seek it because they simply don’t understand what it looks like, and the depression lies. It tells you that you don’t need help; that it’s not that bad, and you don’t deserve it, or just suck it up (at least mine does anyway). So thank you for sharing, because if it helps even one person get help, then you’ve done an amazing thing. <3
Yay! Go you! YOU GOT THIS!
For the first time in my life, I started taking anti-depressants (not politically related, though I imagine that’s not helping anything). I started–literally today–and though I know it’ll take some time to build up in my system, like you, I’m already feeling less bad, knowing that as things build and even out, my thoughts will get better (yay, placebo effect kicking in prior to actual effect). It’s really terrifying, looking to the future and not seeing any hope for happiness. Thankfully, my doctor took me seriously, and got me started right away. I know that doesn’t always happen.
I will also hopefully start counselling soon, but I haven’t gotten the call back for that yet.
All to say that everyone who fights to remove the stigma from mental health really does make a difference. Not that I ever thought it was something to be ashamed of, but I told 3 colleagues today that I started anti-depressants, because I won’t be ashamed. (Also, one of the side-effects starting mine is nausea. Woo, boy, that was not fun for a couple of hours. I’m a cook. Imagine how much LESS fun that is.).
Thank you, Wil.
I feel your pain. I work for the feds and every day is a struggle. I take 2 antidepressants just to go to work. The feds excel at making their best workers feel like failures. Hang in there and know that you are not alone, AND you are a valued person.
<3
Hope the adjustment helps! You can do it! The world is full of jerks don’t let it get you down. Say “ this is not my circus, my monkeys fly!” It gives me a giggle when I think about the monkeys taking the ID10 T away. 😆
Don’t let the chemicals in your brain or the anonymous assholes of the Internet fool you, Wil.
You help people. I can say this as a fact, because you helped me. Looking back, I can now see the way depression and anxiety ran my life for such a long time. I could write paragraphs about this – opportunities wasted out of fear, nights of missed sleep (spent cataloging my personal failures), the friends I pushed away as they tried to help me, and the people who used, abused, and reinforced my growing sense of worthlessness and powerlessness. I could tell you about the time in my mid 20’s when I tried to kill myself.
What I would rather say, though, is that I remember the day when things turned around.
I worked in a sea of cubicles at the time – surrounded by constant, frenetic office activity and noise. I was 27, and listened to podcasts with the fervor of an addict. Anything to block it all out. On the day I’m remembering, I listened to Episode 27 of Radio Free Burrito. You read excerpts from the Wesley Dialogues from “Just a Geek”. As a new visitor to your site, I was experiencing these pieces for the first time.
I cannot properly articulate why Episode 27 means as much to me as it does.
I think it’s that I grew up with Star Trek: The Next Generation (the first episodes aired when I was five). I viewed Wesley Crusher a different way than maybe adult viewers did – I saw someone I could relate to. A person that I wanted to be like (granted… I never wanted to wear the hideous sweaters).
Anyway, I think listening to you have that conversation “with Wesley” allowed me to frame a conversation with myself in the same way. Like, “Hey… ya fucked up a bit. OK, maybe a lot in some cases. But it’s over and done. It’s part of you, but not who you have to be.”
I won’t say it was easy after that.
I went back to college to get my degree (I’d dropped out years before). I started to create again – I wrote short stories and started to take blacksmithing lessons. I gave myself permission to quit my soul-sucking job and to actually apply into a field I wanted to be in (I was no longer too afraid of failure to challenge myself). This year, I met with my doctor, and we picked a course of treatment and an anti-anxiety med that makes me feel remarkably human on most days.
Life certainly isn’t perfect – each day is a parade of news horrors – but I’m alive for it. I’m willing to fight until its better.
NOT feeling “bad” is HUGE. Congrats on finding your way outta the hole!
I’m late to the party. Glad you’re feeling better – shit’s been rough. I, too, have found this year kind of weird. I’ve had some really awful meltdowns, for one, became suicidal for a day in November . . . went off of birth control after six years. Cut my parents out of my life, changed my major, figured out what I actually want to do with my life. I think for all of us, regardless of how good/bad the year has been, it’s definitely been SOMETHING. That just means we’re all sitting here at the end of it like “…wtf was that?!”
The honesty and candour with which you talk about your depression has at times been an integral part of my life raft. On those days when I feel like giving up and letting this thing sweep me away I remember that Will Wheaton struggles with this too and he is An Awesome Human so I cling to my hastily tied together collection of logs and keep paddling as fast as I can for another day. It helps even on those days when I have to remind myself to keep paddling hard enough to stay above the water line because letting go would leave a me shaped hole in a few lives and the thought of hurting them is the only reason I’m still here. Your beautiful, articulate voice has helped to normalise discussing depression. Your beautiful, articulate voice helped me to find my own voice and that in turn helped me to reach out to others who needed to hear that they are not alone. You help people Will, you give them the strength to ask for help when needed and the awareness to offer help when needed. Thank you for your honesty and candour, Your words save lives. Your words saved mine. I‘m sorry that you have to paddle so hard sometimes but please keep paddling because those ripples that your feet make have become waves of hope out in the world.
It’s a crazy world out there right now. I think most reasonable, rational people are feeling a bit down right now. Those of us with depression, even more so. Thank you for being open about your personal struggles. Keep fighting!
Meds really can make all the difference. As my therapist says, “they pick you up off of the floor.” It is so true.
My depression has been pretty bad this season. I’ve tried to hide it instead of thinking I might need to change or adjust my meds. I have to wait until the new year but thank you for reminding me that we can do this and we’re not alone. Hugs!
This has been an excruciating year for me and my life-long depression. I lost my 21 year old son to suicide back in March and while that is pretty much impossible to deal with with a “healthy” brain, my brain has had a real hard time. I adjusted my meds and added anti-anxiety meds and they help. I’m just waiting for the holidays to be over so I don’t have to deal with the pressure to be joyful and thankful because honestly, I’m neither right now.
Keep fighting, no matter what!!
You being so honest with how you are feeling means so much to a lot of people. Including myself. Please keep talking about it! I hope the new meds continue to work well.
Wil, I thought of you when I saw this comic today. Of how so often you do such nice things for people like me. How even when you’re miserable, you reach out and let us see that struggle to remember happiness still exists, and you go on to share those little things that bring you Joy to prove it does, that the struggle is worth it. So with all my heart. Thank you. http://www.lunarbaboon.com/comics/miserable.html