this is stupid

Posted on By Wil

Every day, I open up this editor.

Every day, I sit here at my desk, and stare at the empty space.

Every day I struggle to find something to put into the empty space.

And every day, after hours of frustration and false starts that lead nowhere, I close it.

I hate this. I hate this so much. I used to get stuff done every day, even if it was only a few hundred words, but this whole fucking year I keep feeling like none of this matters and none of this is worth the effort and nobody cares and there’s just no reason to do any of it.

I really really really hate this.

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Comments (409)

  4. Never mind what the monkeys say! Stick with it! 🙂
    (Sympathies though, sometimes it all feels utterly futile… but then someone smiles, someone replies, someone lets you know… and you just know… making a difference somehow, somewhere, to someone… it’s worth it.)

  7. Don’t let the depression win, Wil. It’s been a rough year all around. Take the dogs for a walk. Have a cup of coffee with your lovely wife. Breathe.

  8. You are not alone. I have a few creator friends and they too are feeling what you are feeling. It’s been a shitty year and it doesn’t look like it’s going to get any better anytime soon. Don’t beat yourself up about it. You will create again. Don’t worry.

  10. Don’t give up! There are people left who care and we need to know that others who have voices that carry farther than our own also care.

  11. You inspired me to create more and so I started daily blogging almost 3 years ago. However, I have to agree that the end of this year has been a massive struggle to have anything meaningful to say. It just feels like this world is so crazy and f-ed up that anything I say is meaningless.

    Keep at it though. I have to believe we’ll all survive this.

  14. This really sounds like depression. It hits me like that, especially this time of year. Be as kind to yourself as you are to those you love.

  16. I appreciate you and your words and pictures. Thanks for sharing what you can. You’ve helped brighten my day many times as I deal with chronic depression and anxiety as well.

  17. I had a year like that last year. It was a struggle every day. Wurdz are hard became sort of a mantra. A friend helped pull me out of the slump by suggesting we exchange work every other week. It didn’t have to be good work, there was no set limit on how many words it needed to be, it just needed to be something we could show each other. It helped. Maybe find someone you can “owe” work to to help you just get some on the screen. Once the dam breaks the words flow again.

  18. I think it helps to hear you say it. So many creators out there feel unable to promote their work, or even put effort into new projects, because of the state of the world. I see new books coming out and wonder how people have the mental energy to do that, but it’s not the same for everyone.

    Thanks for being vocal, not only about what’s wrong and what’s right in your country right now, but also about your personal struggles.

  19. Wil! I totally get it. I have a hard time letting the news in and maintaining emotional equilibrium. My self care has to come first. That said, I have an idea for you, if you want it: Grab copies of Gulliver’s Travels, 1984, Hunger Games – anything that passes for political commentary/satire fiction, from the classic to the pop. Think about whether you’ve got a story in you that expresses your feelings of outrage, helplessness, fear, what-have-you in the face of what the world has become.

  20. I read your posts.
    I have no expectations for your writing, I enjoy hearing the thoughts of another person.
    There are no terrible posts. They all paticipate in a longer story
    Thank you for writing.

  21. I hope it helps to know that I care, and I know lots of other people that care, too. You’ve entertained thousands, and you’ve helped so many people by being honest and open and yourself. I believe in you. Hang tough and take care of yourself.

  23. I feel you. This year I started out so ambitious with my writing, but I have had to fight for every word. The self doubt takes hold and makes it even harder. I need the writing, I am happier when I do it, but it has been a hard year to do any of it.

  24. I can’t begin to tell you how much I get it, but I GET IT. Been there (am there at the moment myself). To both of us I say this: DON’T BELIEVE THE LIES. You are CLEARLY loved by many, what you do MATTERS to so many people including me, your writing and your creativity has made a huge difference in so many lives (again, including me). Don’t believe the lies your depression is telling you. It’s okay to feel shitty but DON’T BELIEVE THE LIES!

  25. For all that you do for so many, you deserve all the hugs I can muster. Thank you for being you.

  26. We appreciate everything you’re doing, Wil. This has been a crappy year IMO. Hang in there good sir!

  27. I’m sorry it feels this way. You are worth it. If your brain is telling you you aren’t, it’s lying to you.
    I care. Lots of us do, even if you don’t know us.
    Hugs.

  29. I hope that you, as a creator, feel validated that the people who enjoy your work will continue to do so regardless of how often you write on your blog.
    I’ve really enjoyed your Tabletop show and follow you on Twitter despite being told not to because I appreciate your work and want to support you in your authentic message.
    People definitely care about you and your views!

  30. For what it’s worth, I really enjoy your writing. Sorry to hear you’re in a tough place right now. Better days will come. Always remember that you are loved and appreciated!

  31. Well that sums up quite a bit of my feelings for about 8 months now. But then again you put it to paper, that is more then I can say about myself.

  32. I’ve done the same with this little comment box. And many — many — Word docs. I’ve even contemplated shutting down my Etsy store because zero sales = zero gas in the car. But I’m determined to make the shop work. I’ll keep tying knots in yarn and trying different approaches until I make something stick. Sucks like hell but bigger picture. I got this and so do you <3

  33. How many people to you need to care about your blog posts to make it worth your time? 1? 100? 100,000? Do you have a number? If this is not worth your time, just stop dude. Or do less. If it’s not fun, fuck it, do something else. I’ll keep watching TableTop regardless.

  34. I understand, I feel like that a lot. At the worst it is hard to even shower. If you need someone to talk to, I’m here.

  35. I can’t give you any constructive help, but I can offer my sympathies and tell you that what you have done does indeed and most definitely matter. You are an inspiration to many people (a non-zero amount even). That said, it shouldn’t be all on you to provide, you should also receive. I can’t really give you much beyond some kind (hopefully) words and a warm virtual hug. I know that others however can, and will, give you more. Too many have benefited from your honesty and openness that I can’t see them not offering their support.

    I hope this mess of an emotional note makes sense. Basically I’m just trying to say that you are good and don’t give into the lies of depression.

    big virtual hugs with all the good intentions

  36. I don’t know you, and you don’t know me. I’m bad with words, so bear with me.

    That out of the way… people do care, it’s why we follow you. You think you’re not having a huge impact on what is happening? Maybe not, but to someone out in the darkness you’re a beacon of hope, seeing that you can manage through this one day after the next.

    The problem you describe in trying to write something seems to me like you are trying too hard. It might be better to lose your thoughts somewhere else, and then come back to the writing. Move the desk somewhere else, try writing in a different place. I can’t say, not being artistic… but if I’m working on something in my head, doing this sometimes helps.

  37. fuck depression. Fuck it so hard in its stupid face.

    It’s lying, Wil. Remember that. It’s a giant worthless stupid lying monster and you will always, always prove it wrong.

  38. Depression sucks so hard. But know that people do care and are reading whenever you are ready to write. You aren’t just typing into a void. Your words matter.

  39. Will i find that anything i saw you in, your face was showing genuine happiness, like a 4 year old in a candy store. if you cant find that spark, then try to reset, find a muse, some inspiration. Also, happy holidays.

  40. I’m in the same place.
    Feel like all the energy I’m using to move forward is just leaving me standing still or going backwards; like a car wheel spinning on an icy incline.
    The only help I’ve found is in the lovely folk around me, though some are half a world away they’re still near. Spending time with them, even if it’s just a few messages back and forth, that’s the thing keeping me going, reminding me that things are worth doing, trying, even if it’s seemingly going no where.
    Though, I’ve also rage-written a bit. Yelled my words onto a document until I have no more. When I’m done, I delete it. Feels like I’m destroying a little bit of anger each time, and that sometimes makes me feel better too.
    Call some friends, get a game on, if only a few rounds of something simple & social.
    Heh, I’m writing this and realizing I’m giving myself advice I need too. I better make some calls…
    Hang in there.

  43. Experience stuff. Write about stuff. Rinse. Repeat. You sound like you are in the “Experience stuff” phase. Do that. Then write about it. Without experiences, sometimes there’s nothing to write about.

  44. Hey Wil,
    My name is chris. I follow your blog and it comes to my email. I have followed your work for a long time. From TNG to TableTop. If you cant find something to write about then dont. Wait for your inspiration, your passion, your muse, then at that time let it flow.
    You are awsosme my friend.
    Things always get brighter after the dark.
    Chris

  45. Me too man, me too. It changed a little for me a few weeks ago when I dropped my guard a little and let a friend know how bad I’ve felt. She then spent the next few minutes, telling me all the good things I’ve done and that I’m worth it. If you remember, we met at Motor City, I went to film school because of something you said about choose your own adventure books a few years ago. I just got professional feedback on a script I wrote back in 2016 and is was very positive. It’s about a former necromancer that has to delve back into the dark arts to raise his son’s goldfish from the dead before he gets back from camp. That’s helped me start my next script that I’ve been sitting on for several months. These little things are helping me get right again. And if this helps, you’ve influenced me in a positive way from a far. Thank You.

  46. I care. I enjoy reading you. I also have anxiety disorder and battle depression. We don´t share the language (Latino girl here) but I like what you have to say. Even if you are gonna say what you just said.

  47. Nerdy, but still valid:
    “900 years of time and space and I’ve never met someone who wasn’t important.” – The 11th Doctor

  48. Wil, I am a big fan and trust me I know how it goes I have also lived with depression my whole life. I know it can feel pointless and helpless and lack of creativity. But I also know that you and your words mean a lot. After starting tabletop, I watched valcana and wil Wheaton project, radio free burrito, movie crimes, your auto bio read by you, flubber, stand by me, ect… I am not trying to come across as a creepy stalker lol, I just like your words, your message you bring hope. Keep at it even when it is hard, I would rather read a post by you that is the letter “r” 5k times or a radio free burrito that is just the vest of beck than not here from you at all.

  49. It’s not just you – and you already know that, so it’s not helpful. The shaking of confidence involved in this year is … awesome.
    I think the only thing, when it’s even possible, is just to keep showing up at the editor every day. Regardless of what then happens. You cannot magick up good head-of-steam mental hygiene. I think you’re (we’re) going to have to keep looking for and appreciating the happy accidents that will still sometimes happen and that this period of Yammer Gong cannot control. Just be there for them.

    We’re going to have to find new mental/deep pathways to maintaining an eye on a larger context that is based on what’s possible, rather than what’s actual (or what’s him/them). Finding them is like building muscle fibers – or scar tissue.
    Just keep showing up for where the dreams can happen.

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