this is stupid

Every day, I open up this editor.

Every day, I sit here at my desk, and stare at the empty space.

Every day I struggle to find something to put into the empty space.

And every day, after hours of frustration and false starts that lead nowhere, I close it.

I hate this. I hate this so much. I used to get stuff done every day, even if it was only a few hundred words, but this whole fucking year I keep feeling like none of this matters and none of this is worth the effort and nobody cares and there’s just no reason to do any of it.

I really really really hate this.

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409 thoughts on “this is stupid”

  1. You matter. It matters. A long time Radio Free Burrito fan my family and I had the pleasure to attend your panel and meet you at the Motor City Comic Con last year. You were the warmest and nicest guy. Made the opportunity a very positive memory for us all. Don’t keep producing things for us. Do it for yourself but know that you have have fans who appreciate what you do and who you are to us.

  2. Having one of those days myself. That said, I’d like you to know that yours is the only non- ‘diversity/oppression/social justice’ blog that I follow. I follow you because I can hear the ‘you’ in your writing. For some reason, I have come to care about you. What that tells me is that when you do write, you do it well. I look forward to hearing from you in my email, which is otherwise filled with research or testimony to the dark side of humanity. Even on your darkest days, I can hear light in your words.
    May you be well; may you find your words….

  3. Then take a break, Wil. The anxiety that it causes isn’t worth it. Give yourself permission to take a vacation. Feel the relief. Then go and do something else, like walk on the beach.

  4. I spent six years unable to write a single word. Since December of last year, I can’t seem to stop them. It’s garbage, but it’s words. Anyhow I guess my point is that words -will- come. If it can happy for a schlub like me, then I know it will for you. You are loved, and you are not alone.

  5. I totally get your feelings! Mainly since November 2016 I’ve felt this too. What the heck does it matter??? BUT we still have family and friends that DO matter, and we have to keep up the positive attitude. There has always been good and bad and all in between in the world. The good need to keep on keeping on! 🙂 Take care, Wil! We understand!!! We really need you in our world!

    1. Actually, i stand corrected. In this very blog that “there’s just no reason to do any of it”, that very advice from you which I’m turning back on yourself has historically meant so much to so many people. It’s helped them survive, get through the hard times, and turn things around.

      This is stuff that YOU have done for others.

      It does ultimately matter. You do ultimately matter.

  7. I completely understand. I have struggled for the past year to create anything. My medium of choice is textiles not words, but as a knitter and sewist, I have made next to nothing. Everyday I look at my collection of materials (my blank page) and I can’t even bring myself to pick up my tools. Then I beat myself up for wasting time. It is a viscous cycle. I’m trying to get over it by connecting what I do to showing love for others, in defiance of some of the current cultural climate. Take care of yourself. You are awesome.

  8. So do something else for a while. Do something that makes you really, really happy. Hold your friends close. Your wife, your dogs closer. I can tell you one thing you’ve put out that has made me really, really happy: W00tstout! My husband likes beer. I do not, in general, but I LOVE W00tstout. So good, really. I don’t know what’s in it, but it makes me happy. So, whatever your part in it, you’ve put out some happy into the world, and for that I am very grateful. Thank you!

  9. Hey Wil! I hope that you do not mind me writing to you, as if we know each other for a while now, as if you are sitting across me, as if we are partners in crime because ‘depression’, ‘black dog’, whatever and however you like to label it, etc. is like supernatural being which likes to creep around the corner, bleed into the dog-eared corner of our lives.
    Let me say that, I hear you!
    Let me say that, thank you for energy and effort, today and everyday, whether you write something, anyting or nothing at all, just thank you for showing up!
    Let me say that, whenever “new post” Email falls into my Mailbox, a smile slowly pulls into my face. And thank you for that!
    Let me say that, there are many things to say. And there are many things not to say, not now. But just to put it mildly and gently;
    “DON’T BE A DICK TO YOURSELF!” (as a very very wise and humble man wrote once…)

    It will pass.
    I do not know how.
    I do not know when.
    But it will.

    When it does, it will leave a bitter taste in your mounth.
    Then, just then, remember that we all be waiting for you.
    And that taste shall also pass. It won’t stick around. No worries.

    gives a BEAR hug to Wil
    🙂

  10. Hi Wil,
    One thing I’ve always been interested in, is hearing more about your early gaming days. Who you played with, what adventures you ran, what your characters were like, and the fun you had with your friends as you played D&D.
    Think of it like a sub-set of this blog… like a periodic feature that you can return to, once in awhile, when you get a little blocked on what else to write.
    Just as an example, here’s what I was writing, around 7-8 years ago: http://once-a-gamer.blogspot.com/2009/04/ (There’s even a short story in there, closer to the end of the blog, about when you and I met, back at GenCon 2010. 🙂 ).

  11. I hear you. I decided to go back to pen and paper to see if it would jump start me, and I have pages of compost. I’m not writing every day. It feels like the creative productive me had been away a long time. The thing I always used to help me deal with depression is now contributing to it. I need a nap.

  12. I don’t write, because I’ve never gotten past what you’re describing. Does it help to know that posts like this made it so that when I started last week’s 30 for 30 podcast and heard your voice talking about Madden NFL, it was the same grinning recognition feeling I get when I see one of my good friends unexpectedly? You made a thing, and I loved it, and I loved it because you’re awesome. Wishing you speed past this painful patch.

  13. Through the last year or two, I’ve been fighting with depression on a regular basis and I totally get what you’re talking about. What gets me through? My kids. My wife. My friends. And even so, there are days where nothing seems to make a difference. It’s hard.

    I’ve been trying to find and do things that are meaningful to me. Sometimes it’s only doing a little bit. Sometimes a lot more happens. It helps. Step out, do something different in your life. Maybe something that helps your friends, family or community, where you can see a direct impact. For me, seeing that impact helps with the struggle. Maybe it will for you too.

    Your blog does a make a difference. You have a voice that gets heard and is important to many. But it’s also important to take care of yourself and do things that help you.

  14. Hey Wil, Just to add my 2c. I know nothing about writing and I haven’t personally experienced depression but I enjoy your words and hearing about your life. If you don’t feel like writing then maybe don’t force it? Lots of us here will read whatever you put up whenever you put it up and support whatever you do cos we think you’re a pretty cool human being.
    You deserve to be heard, you are worthwhile, you are appreciated, you are wanted. We may not know each other personally, but we’re all rooting for you regardless. Hang in there man. Just keep swimming.

    1. Just keep swimming! I love it! Writers’ Block is bad, but depression is worse, and certainly the last year has been tough. We all need to stick together. I loved your reply to Wil!!!

  15. I get that feeling. I really do. But people do care and it really does matter. Depression lies. And it’s okay to hate it, and be frustrated with that stuck feeling, but from an outside only slightly biased perspective, from someone who admires your work and success and relates to this particular struggle, you’ve done so much fantastic work this year no matter what it feels like. I really appreciate you sharing your feelings and thoughts with people, even the rough day feelings. Not every project or piece will be perfect, or clever, or leave an indelible mark on society, but they don’t have to be those things. Because it’s still your work and your voice and your own perspective and no one but you will have that and I and so many other genuinely appreciate getting to see little bits of our shared world through your eyes. Maybe I’m losing my point somewhere in here or this sounds silly right now, but it boils down to I hate that you’re having a shitty day (week, month, time). But we do care, and we’re rooting for you, and we believe in you and genuinely look forward to and care about what you have to say and share.

  17. I feel this so hard. Even now that I’m doing better than I was, coming out of one of the longest, worst depressive periods I’ve had in a while to a place of more energy and confidence, I’m having the most difficult time writing much of anything.

    I don’t know how much this helps, but…it matters to me. As long as I’ve been reading your blog, you’ve been a voice of hope, of doing the best you can with what you have, mocking the darkness, punching up instead of punching down. Your voice and your words matter. “Don’t be a dick” applies to how you treat yourself as much as how you treat others. Even this post, it may not help you, but it helps others, it matters.

    Since I love recommending books, at my therapist’s suggestion, I’ve been going through the book SuperBetter by Jane McGonigal and it’s been helping me a lot. It’s basically using video game play as a model for dealing with physical and mental health issues.

  18. Thank you for sharing your feelings, especially when you are feeling your most vulnerable. Please know that your worth as a being isn’t rooted in your ability to produce something. It is in your relationships and in the way you reach out to others in such a positive way despite how down you feel, in your insights and your outlook. You are cherished for you.

  19. You’ve mattered to me since the first time I saw you on my t.v. screen. What you do matters to me, whether I read it or see it or hear it. Knowing you are out there creating things gives me Hope & Peace. This year has been a Pile of Shit, there is no sugar coating it. Your words have made it better & gave me reason to smile or nod in agreement. I’m adding my voice to the others saying we appreciate you & care. I’m adding my virtual hugs to the others coming your way. Sending you strength & peace. 💛

  20. So here’s the thing. Why does it need to matter? Why can’t it just be fun? And if it isn’t fun anymore, then don’t do it. I mean, I like how you write… I like your stories, but Wil, if you aren’t having fun, then stop. Do something that is fun. Forcing yourself to do something every day because you should or must is just going to grind you down. Stop. Or figure out why it used to be fun and see if you can get to that space again.

    Good luck…

  22. I understand completely. I often feel like depression is a little beast that eats up all my words, good emotions, and energy. You have to fill the beast up until it chokes. It’s hard work and it seems like it’s never full but it does fill up sometimes. And just because it’s hungry again tomorrow doesn’t mean I don’t have to feed to today. Fill it with what you can because it will eat anything. Choke it. Be agressive with it and not yourself.

  23. It is not you. It is all of us. We are all in the same boat looking for a refuge from all the madness this year has brought. It all seems so pointless and there is no hiding from it.

    We have to hang on to our love, strength and hope. Together we will make it through. We need each other more now..than ever.

  24. As a very wise, very funny, very talented and creative man once wrote, Depression Lies. We love you and will be here whenever you feel able to put something in the empty space.

  25. Yep. Your thoughts are very familiar. Sometimes it seems helpful to realize that the work itself is the reason and that it really doesn’t matter whether others think it matters. It probably doesn’t matter that much if we, ourselves, believe what we do matters. We make a thing because that’s what we do; so we do it.

  26. I struggle with exactly the same thing, especially lately when it seems like the whole world is a dumpster fire of hatred, corruption and the wrong sort of people “winning” at life.

    I don’t know what to say other than “I get it” and to add that in my own struggle I feel like I am telling myself two lies:

    That what I have to say doesn’t matter because it won’t have an impact. This is a lie because I know that I myself have been greatly effected in life by the thoughts of others. I also have no control over how people react to my creative work, so that’s a lousy reason to do it or not to do it.
    That what I have to say doesn’t matter because who am I to say it? This is also a lie because who am I not to? Nothing stops hateful morons from sharing their thoughts with the world. People like us are the only ones who even bother to stop and ask “should I say this?”

    Lastly, I feel the least motivated to do anything creative when I have too many irons in the fire, too much distraction, and especially if I haven’t been eating well or getting any exercise. I wouldn’t say that I’ve completely worked my way out of it, but things seem to be trending in the right direction.

  27. Hey Wil,

    I don’t know if this applies to you, but I have found that I can only write when a new idea is being tossed around in my head, or if I have had a new experience. If the day is status quo, the creative writing center seems to be turned off. For me it is the embodiment of the fact that human creativity evolved to deal with new information and existential stress. If those factors are not present, the creative center of the brain goes to sleep.

    You can view this either as a problem or verification that you have been successful at providing for your existence. The solution for me is continuing challenges…

    Just my $0.02 worth…my best regards to you,
    Howie

  31. I feel you. Been experiencing almost the same thing lately, though I do visual art instead of write.

    BTW, I’ve said it a couple times before in your general direction, but it bears repeating: your openness about your own mental health struggles are a major part of why I was able to finally start seeking treatment for my own in recent months. So your words matter, and they help. Resume when you can, we’ll be here.

  32. It’s so very crushing to want to create something but have your head refuse to make it. I have piles of crumpled drawings and deleted text files to document my own fight against that disconnect between brain and hand and actualization and self-sabotage, but we have to keep trying because it’s who we are. You are a creator. It’s in your nature to make things; whether writing essays, creating a game campaign, writing a politically-themed parody of a Dr. Seuss poem, bringing a book or a character to life with your voice and your body, or baking some fucking great bread. Or even just ok bread. You still made it. Even if it’s never shown to the public, you still made a new thing in the world.

    You help the rest of us know that people are still out there making their art with whatever degree of success in this shitty, scary world right now. It lets us know that people still have souls, still care, still want to build good places. Creators are feeling very outmatched by the destroyers right now, but we’re still here. You’re still doing good.

  33. You matter. Your words, your honesty, your continued struggle without ever giving up is INSPIRING to so many. I am a teacher, and this year I am dealing with that same feeling, like nothing I am doing is having any impact. In my job, that hurts like hell. I come home a lot of nights and just cry my eyes out, alone (because I’m divorced and almost 40 and I’m rapidly turning into a cat lady with no cats), but then I open up the box full of letters and cards from my former students from past years. Those give me the perspective to say, “I mattered to these kids. I helped them and made them feel loved. And it’ll be that way again someday, even if things don’t feel that way now.” If you are feeling ineffectual right now, do yourself a favor – go back and look at some of your proudest accomplishments from the past and remind yourself, “I did it then, and I’ll do it again one of these days. This slump is TEMPORARY.”

    1. I have a Google doc where I put nice things people have said to me and about me, to go back and read when I’m feeling shitty about myself. It doesn’t always lift my mood, but it at least reminds me that other people think I’m a good person, even if I don’t feel like I am.

      And hugs and respect to you for being a teacher, especially in a time like this, and dealing with divorce and loneliness. I would lend you my cat if I could. He’s quite the cuddler.

  34. Dude! You’re Wil (why so much emphasis on the H) Wheaton! Last I checked that also makes you human. So it’s ok to have down days and writer’s block. Let me ask you this; is it really the depression/writer’s block or is it your inner judge that’s causing the “hate”? Be kind to yourself, you got this 😎

  35. Well, I care that you are here and want you to know you DO create, even when no words are involved. Every photo I see of you and your lovely wife makes my heart smile. Every photo of pooches who “also like” whatever you are eating and every bit of doggie advice from Seamus brings brightness to my day. So be you, and try to understand that that is enough. The writing will come when it comes, and it is something I look forward to. But your writing is simply the icing on the cake that is you. And cake is enough!

  36. Chin up old boy. Ask yourself: Do you really absolutely have to be productive every day/week? Is setting Doctorowesque standards for yourself realistic? Well, anyway, the best thing to do when stuck is to work on or learn something else.

  37. I hear you Will. It’s been a rough couple of months. I tore my ACL a couple weeks before Thanksgiving and have been out of work. It’s especially hard this time of year. I’ve been stuck on couch bored as hell but your posts and videos make it a little easier and inspire me to be creative. Thank you for the knowledge and all the cool things you’ve introduce me to.

  38. Winston Churchill called it ‘The Black Dog ‘ and suffered greatly from it , I also think that world events now as then make lifting the malaise more challenging .
    But at some point you have to square your shoulders and in the words of Chaucer say ‘fuck it’ lets get on and although you are surrounded by people who need shagging with a ragmans trumpet understand that good will triumph.

    And if you make any sense of that lot , great , hope it helps

  39. Therapists sometimes prescribe mindless manual labor as a kind of therapy for some people who have been through substantial trauma (e.g. recovering cult members, substance abusers).

    Wil, is there some charitable cause that you value highly, that needs people to do simple manual labor during the Christmas season? I’m going to guess that if you spent a month out of the spotlight in a Goodwill warehouse, you would be able to go to bed tired and fulfilled every night. Meanwhile, you would be getting through the day using your muscles, not your lying brain. Furthermore, after a month during which you are only being evaluated by the number and location of boxes you’ve moved (or whatever the manual/menial task), you will not only have been in a new environment that might stimulate new creative impulses; you’ll have rested your brain long enough that it may be very eager to do its best work.

  40. A few years ago, on your The Wil Wheaton Project, you convinced me and my girlfriend not to watch the last few episodes of the last season of “True Blood” with your Skeletor parody. To this day she talks to me about how grateful she is to you for giving her those hours of her life back. If you can made a difference in one life…

  41. You matter. What you say matters. I got help for my depression in a large part because of what you have written. Write because you want to not because you have to. But never doubt that you have made a difference. When I get stuck or frustrated I write more my D&D campaign. I sink myself into something that is just to make me happy and entertain my friends. Hang in there man, the world is a brighter place for having you in it.

  42. I hear you, Wil. This year has been incredibly depressing, especially with an internet troll and his corporate douchebags running EVERYTHING. For what it’s worth, I do care what you’re saying though I don’t comment as much as I probably should.

  45. I am in a very similar situation, so I can very much relate. But I’ll keep trying if you will, savvy?

  46. While I can certainly identify with the feelings, I have to apologize – I can’t feel badly for you. I know it’s the depression talking, but sorry. 🙁

    I’ve been writing my whole life. I’ve put more words to paper (and hard drive) than I could ever count. Hours and hours of my life. And my lifeblood. What do I have to show for a it? Next to nothing. A gaming blog that gets a couple-dozen hits a day. An entertainment industry blog that gets a few less. A writing blog that – apparently – only I know about. A script that I can’t even get one person to read without paying them.

    I know your success isn’t what you want it to be, Mr. Wheaton. But you shouldn’t feel like what you do is useless and that nobody cares. There are many of us out here, struggling constantly with the same feelings, who would kill to do the things you’ve done, to achieve the things you’ve achieved, to reach even half the level of success you have. To have the following you have.

    You should be grateful for the success you have. Grateful for all these people watching what you do every day, wondering what you’ll do the next. Grateful for all of these readers who interact with you. You have an impact on people’s lives. Out here in the void, none of this really matters and nobody really cares.*

    *And we struggling writers keep plugging away, anyway. It’s the hope that makes the day job bearable..

  47. I’m very sorry you are struggling, it sounds awful. If it helps, please know that I care. I’ve missed your compassion, humor, and unique voice. I hope you feel better soon and continue doing what you do best.

  48. Hey Mr Wheaton.

    I feel funny calling you by your first name. We don’t know each other 🙂
    Here is a thought. I am showing my children STTNG episodes. I screen them first so as to not freak them out. i.e. They did not like the skin of evil. They thought it was creepy. Listen to what they told my wife and I:

    1) Cmdr. Riker should never go on away missions. He always ends up in trouble. (The Game, The skin of evil)
    2) It’s funny that Captain Picard does not like children (Disaster, When the bough breaks, and many more)
    3) The episodes with Wesley Crusher are really good (i.e. their favorites) but he should not be allowed to do experiments unsupervised (Evolution)

    So what you do does matter. And in ways you may never even know. I, for one, am grateful for work you did decades ago that I now get to share with my children.

    And dude, this is coming from someone who does not agree with you at all on many political positions!!! 🙂 But that’s ok. You are cool regardless!

    Hopefully you can find some inspiration in this post.

    p.s. When I was a kid, I pretended Wesley Crusher was my big brother. Wierd. But it made sense when I was 12.

    KJ

  50. I can relate. Right now I’ve got several paintings all in different unfinished states. When I have a mental block and don’t know what to draw I will just doodle.

    Maybe when you don’t know what you want to write try writing a poem.

    Just to many ways for me to distract myself and put off creativity for another day…

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