Every day, I open up this editor.
Every day, I sit here at my desk, and stare at the empty space.
Every day I struggle to find something to put into the empty space.
And every day, after hours of frustration and false starts that lead nowhere, I close it.
I hate this. I hate this so much. I used to get stuff done every day, even if it was only a few hundred words, but this whole fucking year I keep feeling like none of this matters and none of this is worth the effort and nobody cares and there’s just no reason to do any of it.
I really really really hate this.
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Dear Wil.
Saturday night I was suicidal and carved words into my skin rather than follow through on the ideation and part of what got me through was just you saying Depression lies over and over.
So thank you for that.
<3
I’m a full-time writer. I write as LH Thomson and Sam Powers on Amazon and was a journalist for two decades. I’m also on the spectrum, so anxiety and depression were my normal state for years.
Whenever you’re stuck with writer’s block, there are two surefire cures:
1) Change when you write. Get up at 6 AM, every day, and the second your feet touch the floor head to your computer and just start writing whatever comes to mind. Generally, great writers work early because the brain is just unencumbered by a day’s worth of shit.
2) Plot everything you write first, by starting at the end — the conclusion you want to the story, then working your way backwards in steps to how it got there. It’s a hell of a lot easier than starting from zero.
Cheers. Don’t fucking sweat it. It’ll pass once you have a decent idea; that’ll come in plotting because you’re thinking about the concept you need, not the nitty gritty means to achieve it.
“Surefire cures” – FOR YOU. Never tell someone there’s a “surefire” ~anything~ that works for ~everyone~. Because it WON’T work for someone and then they’re going to feel even more broken.
I feel that what you just wrote probably took more will power and energy than you expected. Just believe that people do read what you write even when you don’t think they do and what you write may have more of an impact than you realize. My wife has suffered from depression all her life and your writings have been like a door into your and her world and have helped me understand some of what she goes through. She like you is having a horrible year creativity wise and I know that all I can do is what I have no doubt Anne does for you and that is to simply be there.
Muggles don’t realize how much of an achievement it is to do anything some days and how strong you have to be to get through the day. Just know that there are people out there that appreciate you for both what you do and write and for simply who you are.
Stay strong.
Your computer screen is a canvas, the frame is like a box for bouncing ideas around. Toss them back and forth, catch something, and sink it in the proverbial pocket.
You often research the Internet Archive for your audiovisual work, maybe it’s time for some sound art?
In the meantime, you could fill the space between your ears with the Institute For Alien Research new release: https://ifarmusiqueconcretecompilation.bandcamp.com/album/ifar-musique-concr-te-homage-pour-pierre-henry-compilation
Or perhaps Pierre Henry’s Psyche Rock, the inspiration for the Futurama theme song:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?t=1s&v=qssa6ec7faQ
Thank you for everything you do, Wil Wheaton.
I hear you. 4 years ago I was on Pristiq and I was finally writing again but the samples eventually ran out, the government wouldn’t fund any more and disability checks only go so far. I was forced to play the antidepressant slot machine, hoping to find one which would work and not have too many damaging side effects. 3 months ago I gave in and make cutbacks across the board to find the $100 a month for the Pristiq. Money is extremely tight and Christmas will be more Grapes of Wrath than The Age of Innocence but I am feeling better and the thoughts have begun to flow.
There is always a path to take, whether we see it or not. There is always a different perspective that we can find if we just keep looking. You have helped me immensely through the years and, although I can’t repay that aid in kind, I can hope to be a spark to help you envision a new direction to try.
You and I are of the same generation and that’s why I know you’ve seen this before, although you may not have thought of it for many years. It’s an episode of the Twilight Zone from the 80’s. Sure, it paled in comparison to the original but it also had some great stories. (Profile in Silver and Time and Time and Teresa Golowitz being my favorites) I urge you to consider the moral of the story in this episode, Personal Demons. I think you’re already on the path to following it’s lead and just need a little nudge back onto the path.
I am, as always, an available stranger should you ever feel the need to vent.
Your obedient servant,
O.G.
Dang. Here’s the actual whole episode.
Pristiq is the only med that has made me feel like me. The drug company has coupons and rx help if you qualify. Also, earlier this year a generic was approved and I feel works just the same. Please look into that as it may be cheaper for you. Good luck.
Hey Wil.
I won’t tell you that you got it all wrong. I wont tell you that you and your work will save the world. I wont tell you because, in the very big picture, we don’t matter. Not really. As someone put it, we all are just apes clinging to a rock, hurtling through space. But…
What I can and will tell you, is, that, you are loved. The actor Wil Wheaton. The writer Wil Wheaton. The board game enthusiast Wil Wheaton. The redditor Wil Wheaton. The blogger Wil Wheaton. The husband, the father. The son. The human Wil Wheaton. And don’t think I stopped listing because the list is complete, I stopped because it would get tiresome after the point was made
Of course, there are people who will not appreciate your work. And of course, when you voice an opinion to a number of people, you will find that some of them don’t react so well. Let us, for now, forget the why and how and what to do, thats a whole other discussion and you probably know more about that (online trolls, etc) than most of us anyway.
What I will tell you is, that we care. I care. I have never met you and I probably never will. But I like you. In some ways, I feel you would have been an awesome friend. Not because you were on TV. Those are characters (I still enjoy seeing you, though). But reading your stuff, following your blog, listening to you over the course of what, 15 years, I get the distinct impression that you have the heart at the right place, the head on right and be it playing board games, general nerd stuff with linux/raspi pies, brewing beer, or whatever else you let us know you enjoy in your free time, it is usually something I enjoy myself and am enthusiastic about. But I digress…
You do not have to write for me, you don’t owe me anything. But I understand your frustration.
And I hope you have the support you need. I am certain of it. Your family and your friends will be there for you. And me, or should I say us, your readers, your viewers, we are there for you too. Of course in another capacity. We will be patient. We will listen. We will understand, and we will tell you its okay, take your time, get well again, and if and when you come back, we will enjoy your work. And if it takes a little longer, we will keep waiting. You matter to us. We care!
And I hope from this wall-o-text you will take one thing.
I hope you will take that your feeling that “nobody cares and there is no reason to do anything” is wrong.
I wish you all the best and that you can find your joy again. That you find your place where the words come from. That the lies your brain tell you sometimes will fade again.
And for now, I wish you happy holidays, well deserved rest, great time with the family.
Take care
From Germany
Catwiesel
all of this. Thank you, Catwiesel, for articulating it so well.
This, exactly. Yes.
Best regards,
Tail Kinker
Same here. Thanks for putting it in words.
This x1000.
Yes!
50 years ago, long before the Internet, I wandered through my neighborhood thinking, “hey, I wonder if Larry’s home, or Joaquin, or Dave…”
Now, I go to a few key links in my browser. “Hey, I wonder if Wil’s home, today.” Maybe he’ll have a thought to ponder, or maybe he’ll break the fourth wall. He was really good company during that Ready, Player One audiobook…
Even my imaginary friends don’t have to produce something wonderful every week. Sometimes it’s great just knowing they’re home.
I hadn’t thought of it this way before, but it’s true for both the friends we know in real life and our “imaginary friends.” What a nice thought. You made me smile. 🙂
This may be my inner teacher coming out, but I would like to remind you that success is subjective. You set the standard for what success looks like for you. There is no right or wrong way to live your life. As long as you are happy and healthy and growing, then you are on the “right” track. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You are awesome, and you’ve created so many things that people enjoy! As for creative dry spells, it’s a season. I heard a story once that has stuck with me. A woman was walking through an orchard in the winter, and noticed that all of the leaves were gone. Then, she thought about how trees aren’t afraid of loosing their leaves. They know that it is just for a season, and that they will be fruitful again. Just like the trees, don’t be afraid when you seemingly “lose” creativity. The season will pass, and you will be creative again. Use the dry seasons for rest, to take care of yourself, etc. Hope you feel better, will! 🙂
Oh man, do I ever grok that feel!
I am nobody, and we will never meet, but on the off chance that it helps, you have saved my life over and over and over again. The simple mantra, “Depression lies” has helped me hang on to that fraying thread through months of dark tunnels, months of looking up at the surface of the blackest ocean knowing beyond certainty that I would never breathe again. Two words. Two words simple enough to grasp through the fog and and cling to for the sake of clinging. Two tenacious words when my grip is failing.
As you’ve saved my life I KNOW you have saved others. I am not an above average human, but I want to be, and I want to live, and I take care of people and try really hard to make the world a better, kinder, more inclusive and just place. And I exist because of your words, meaning I have opportunity every day to make the world better because of your words, meaning the effect of every good thing I do is the grand-offspring of your words.
So if we accept the Tralfamadorian perspective (and I do, because that too is transformative), that all times are Now, then I can at least offer that “used to” is not the point; that your work and honesty and fighting have, do, and always will mean something; that I am nobody and I DO care.
Every time I repeat to myself through gritted teeth the beaten battle cry, “Depression lies!” my gratitude to you for the perpetual power of those words echoes back through that ephemeral connection words build, and hopefully now you will feel that gratitude. For whatever it’s worth.
“The scariest moment is always just before you start.” – Stephen King
I can’t find truer words that those. You’ve written great things before. You will write great things again. Give it time Wil.
Yesterday I said to my beloved(tm): “I am really feeling depressed.”. She replied, “Of course you are…if you weren’t you’re not paying attention.” And that pretty well sums it up. My programming is slogging down to a crawl, and my naps are longer.
Things are pretty sucky right now, but I’m hoping that this is all going to be so screwed up that we hit the brink…but don’t go over. Everyone (“everyone” defined as folks with more than 2 brain cells to rub together) will say, “Holly Shit, what just happened there…” and we’ll swing back to a more moderate path.
I’m going to go outside now. Put on my heavy jacket. Slip on my heavy gloves. I am going to shovel the sidewalk. Shoveling snow is good therapy.
Persevere, Wil. We will get through this. All of us.
I remember hearing an antidote about George R. R. Martin who was in the audience during a conference with Stephen King and when it came to questioning s, George stood up and asked “How the fuck do you write so many books so fast?” (I’m paraphrasing)
Stephen responded by saying “I sit at my desk every day for at least 4 hours and just write. No editing. Just write anything and everything. Often I get nothing out of it. Sometimes I get a page or two of something, and sometimes I get deep into something and just keep going. But the main point is to sit, every day, and write, like a habit.”
Again…paraphrasing.
Anyway, the moral of the story isn’t what King said, it’s what Martin said; even the greats and the well knowns and the giants of art and writing have trouble sometimes and have those humps they don’t feel like they can conquer… Some ruts and blocks are just bigger or longer than others.
I enjoy reading your stuff when it comes.
Also, I don’t know of this is helpful but I know how much of a pain it is to have ideas when you’re nowhere near a writing source, so I have a text ‘conversation’ between Me and Myself where I just text myself ideas when they come to me. Sometimes it’s a sentence, sometimes a couple pages, but it’s there so I can copy it over when I have free time.
Sometimes it’s enough to trigger my mind when I finally sit down, and pull me back into a similar train of thought.
thank you… I was going to start writing about a year ago, but a general malaise overtook me and after a short stint of social media activism (if that truly exists) I realized that all effort was punished and wasted, and the mole on my back became a tumor on my psyche. For me, it has felt like one long funeral for our society. As we lay our principles to rest: the belief that we should take care of one another and care for one another; that we are all truly equal and that we must always strive for that even if we aren’t always perfect; that we do not treat others as less than….
… Anyway, this perpetual funeral for our society that has lasted a year so far…has just made me feel that it doesn’t matter what I think or say or do. There’s nothing I can say or do that will change anyone’s mind or inspire them to be (my definition) of a better person – kinder, gentler, all those things I thought we were progressing towards during Obama’s tenure – anything I say or do will only make others dig in to their opposition.
I can commiserate with friends, and I have a little, but that gets repetitive and dull. I can talk about the hundreds of other interesting topics I had planned to blog about: topics I’d been lining up for years and writing intro paragraphs just to keep the threads illuminated for when I returned to them – but in the end, none of that seems to be fun anymore. I couldn’t possibly spout more vitriol than those I disdain, they embody the essence of harsh, cold, apathetic brutality to fellow humankind in a way that I can only jokingly dance about the edges of. If the state of the world is impacting your creativity, then tune out for a little bit; maybe write without reading/listening/watching …
But that’s me.
About you – you have talent. I enjoy and welcome your writing at all times. Just because you have talent doesn’t mean it’s always easy or fast or that it’s always going to produce what you want…
When you least expect it…
Wil, you’re the best, and every time I get a notification that there’s a new blog post form you or a new episode of Radio Free Burrito available for download it makes my day. Even if you’re talking or writing about something in which I’ve had little to no interest, you discuss it in such a friendly and inviting way that it’s at the very least interesting to listen to or read and at best it makes me want to go out and discover more about that topic. As someone who’s yet to finish a complete draft of a novel despite starting four of them over the past decade I know that the struggle is real, and unfortunately I can’t offer you a solution, but I can tell you that it does matter, it is worth it, and your fans just want to hear from you. We like YOU. You don’t need to write a dissertation with a plan to fix global warming and do away with terrorism, though that would be impressive. Just be yourself and let us know what’s going on with you. It’s fun to know what you’re up to and what you’re thinking. Think of your fans as friends that you’re corresponding with. What would you want to say/write to them/us?
The one thing I don’t like about wordpress is that there’s no +1 button, because I really want to +1 loads of the above comments.
This too will pass, Wil. As someone who’s never even managed to get his first short story written down once, I can’t give you advice on writing. But the other stuff, the stuff that’s stopping you writing and making you feel like shit? Yes, that too will pass. Feel well soon.
It matters, we care. We are watching out for you and we read your blog because we like you and you are an amazing and talented person. Depression is an asshole, tell it to go fuck itself.
People do care, and what you say does matter. Why do you think the internet trolls come out from under their bridges, to badger you with their stinky clubs of misspelled words? In the end though, you need to motivate yourself to do creative stuff. No amount of external gratification can move those creative juices, or make you care about what you create. That comes from within.
This is especially hard for those of us that suffer from depression, or low self-worth, or both. I am my own worst judge of anything I “create.” This keeps me from doing anywhere near all of the cool things I could be doing. I smother new ideas in their sleep, before they can awaken. That is easier sometimes than dealing with the self doubt that always precedes any actual criticism.
All we can do is keep an ear ready and willing to hear whatever you have to say. To encourage you to put down the doubting stick, and pick up the pen. Manage your expectations, and create small things, and just be happy with the process. Eventually, all of those little creative projects will give rise to a bigger one. We will be here until then.
It’s ok. We all are “blocked” mentally. How can we be creative when we are occupied with preventing our society from turning into a facist state?
Have faith in and be kind to yourself. Your struggle will ultimately, although not fucking soon enough, yield great rewards.❤️
Hey Wil,
I hate this year too. But feeling like the world is going off the rails, when it IS GOING OFF THE RAILS, is perfectly sensible and correct. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Your heart and brain are working as intended under awful circumstances. If your output is down, it’s down. Lots of other people are battling the same thing.
In these moments, I think of Keith Olberman's repeated tweet to other countries, which is along the lines of, "We're sorry. But we are working the problem and will resolve it as soon as we can."Dude, ICYMI Tabletop still rocks. Good on ya.
Hi Wil.
I care.
As they say, “This to shall pass.”
I don’t get to be super creative at work, and this year it seems like instead of writing, drawing, or painting, I’m spending what would normally be my creative time following the news and being outraged. Unfortunately that’s happening to a lot of creative people. The good news is that lots of those creative people are focusing that outrage on fixing things. People who aren’t normally politically involved or even started out on the “wrong” side of things are seeing that we need to fix this.
I’m optimistic.
We’ll get through. You’ll get through.
Suggested listening: “Face Up” by Rush. “Find that dial inside and turn it up.”
Depression’s a dick. You taught me that. And it’s true. It’s always been true and it will always be true.
Well Wil I know nothing about depression directly , have not had to communicate with anyone close to me about It , I also wonder why do you have to please us and not just think of this we will be here when you post a new story or blog, think like the UK it take’s them years to finish one story, I can wait .take care and hug a dog that works for me a dog will understand
I really really reaaly wish I could help. 😞
It’s hair.
I mean, I was feeling down too just last night. I’m lucky to have a pretty even disposition but everyone gets bit by the black dog sometimes. And that was last night.
And then I realised something important. All the things that scare you, that you want and can’t have, that haunt you, expectations and disappointments and obligations and losses and frustrations … they’re hair.
Reality is free and naked, same as ever. Sitting in front of an editor and feeling bad because you’re not meeting your expectations or someone’s expectations … cut that out.
You are exactly as capable and lovable and brilliant as ever, and exactly as free to act or write or be. You need only do your best with this here and now.
The rest is dead cells clinging to you like hair. Everyone grows hair, all the time. Go cut it, shave it, style it, it won’t hurt. It can’t hurt.
You’re not hair.
That usually means I’m tired. Not like I need a good nights sleep, but that I need a for real break. Maybe take a break. Good luck.
You are beholden to no one to produce. We appreciate and we care but you don’t need to feel obligated. This is supposed to be something you enjoy, not something to stress you out. We will be here waiting, don’t push yourself for us. We will care just the same no matter what.
Wil,
This has been such an unbelievable year. We are constantly being bombarded with news stories that seem too crazy to be true, and see very few cases of injustices being resolved. All of this negativity has taken a toll on all of us. Life can be incredibly hard, and so many of us feel little motivation to participate in daily tasks. Thank you for being so open and honest, and please know that so many of us are right there with you. Stay strong, my friend.
I care. I read your work. I enjoy it and it makes my life better. My life is better because you are in it. But you don’t know me, and I don’t really know you but because of this blog you have connected to me. You and your work matter to me. Xx
Wil, as you can see, people do care and love what you have to say.
Get off of social media, find other avenues to communicate with and to people. Social media is causing more pain and confusion in people today then they realize with regard to its ability to break down the proximity lines of the things you love but more importantly, it breaks the proximity line of the things that you despise…thus causing mass internal confusion and mass informational thought overloads.
Get back to doing the things in this world that you love with your whole heart and do those things as much as you can and only “with” / “in person” the people you trust and love.
Wil, even if the only support I can offer is to make sure you know at least one person cares, here it is. You’re awesome and I care!
You are not alone.
Stop watching TV news. Stop participating in toxic political social media. Start concentrating on the things you CAN control, such as perfecting your own life and the real in-person social relationships you have in your life. You can’t control politics, and you’re never going to change it. All it’s going to do is make your blood boil for nothing and mentally/emotionally constipate your brain.
That sucks. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. You are seen and appreciated.
Please be gentle with yourself.
Hi Wil, like others have alluded it may be that the Big Cheeto in charge has a lot to do with a general feeling of unease and pointlessness. We will survive and things will change, but right now, we just have to deal. Others have dealt with way worse. You don’t owe anyone a blog post and if you don’t feel it, that’s okay. Walk away and do something different. Your creative energies will return when you don’t force it.
What did you teach me about depression?
(depression lies.)
People (and you) do care about you. You can write. You are worthy.
No matter if you wrote today. You got out of bed, you survived the day and maybe you smiled at some point.
Think about the things you are grateful for. Bring yourself back to a more positive mindset. Believe in yourself. You can do everything. 🙂
The year my mother died, after two long months in the hospital, my sisters and I had a “Fuck 2015” party the following January. We all toasted to 2016, and yelled, “FUCK YOU 2015!” I don’t know if a “Fuck 2017” party would jumpstart your creativity, but it could release some tension, which in turn might help to unblock you. Here, I’ll start. “Fuck You 2017!” Cheers.
I’m with you. Whilst I am not much of a writer. I have many other projects wanting my attention. I go to work on one of them and stare blankly. I have no idea what to do. Half the time I cannot even work out what I was trying to achieve. I usually end up moving things around and walking away. It sucks.
What I do know is that this is just a phase. Things will get better. I always have to believe that. To think the opposite is too damning.
When you finally get pen to paper we will be here to read it.
Hey Wil
As a fellow creative person (graphic design etc.) let me just tell you that you aren’t alone in this. It’s tough to be creative in these circumstances. But if you stop, they win. Plus we all like what you make, so make what you can.
AD
I care, Wil. I care that you’re a good person, and I want you to be happy. You don’t need to perform and write things for my benefit. Do it because it makes you happy to do it. This year has been hard for a lot of people, and you’re not alone by any stretch of the imagination.
It’s okay to feel disheartened. It’s okay not to get anything done today. Just get up tomorrow and try again. And keep on doing that until it gets better.
Mate… you’re not alone. I hear you. We’re the same age. (and we’ve both got a hot older wife)
Every day I come to work and wonder what the fuck I’m actually doing. What is my true purpose? I work, relax on weekends then I’m back at work, then it’s the weekend then back to work. I pay the mortgage, pay the bills, pay the interest on my credit card. All for what?
I find that an escape to the wilderness for even a night or two can calm the soul. Something about getting back to nature, back to the gritty dirt can clear the mind. The smell of Eucalyptus in the Australian bush is something ancient and primitive and intoxicating.
It helps.. but it’s not enough as I’m back to the daily grind. The wilderness won’t pay my mortgage. I’m so sick of all this shit.
You sound a bit depressed, its understandable now living a year in Trump’s America. Take a vacation, go to Maui in Hawaii for a week or two and recharge your batteries, it will do you good. 🙂
You matter. Your work matters. internet hug
Please take the best of care, in these times, you can just get tired of the constant uncertainty, and sometimes clinging to geeky things is the only real solace we all have. It’s perfectly fine to take a break , we will still be here when you get back.
We all need a new episode of non-judgemental ninja. Depression lies. It does matter. “Everything matters” – Barbara ‘Babs’ Wyler
Writing is hard. its totally worth the struggle. You are an artists. Art is HARD. it is totally worth the struggle. You are valuable. Life is hard. It is totally worth the struggle. You are loved. You are worth the struggle. big virtual, non-weird hugs from Seattle.
I get it. I really do. I have found myself mired in that place where creativity doesn’t exist. I had to find my way out of the muck and figure out how and why I got there and how to avoid it.
Reality, for me, was to get away from as much negativity as I could. Put a stop to the constant, endless feed of anger and frustration. Get rid of the folks who were stuck themselves and just had to pass it along.
How did I do it? I put a stop to many of the Facebook feeds that (no pun intended) fed the crap. I avoid Twitter, but some folks are helpful and pass along those feeds, too.
I get the anger and the frustration of the times, but the reality is – and not just for me – all that anger and frustration takes up the space for creativity, for joy, for fun, for appreciating what is good.
There is a time and place for everything. The trick is to not let one thing take the time and space for everything else.
I so hear that, Wil. I relate and appreciate this post a lot. I want to write words that will help, and nothing seems quite right. Just know, even though I don’t “know” you, I support and listen to what you say. Blessings, Debbie
Dear Wil,
I care and what you do matters. I know it matters to me, and I’m sure it matters to a lot of other people here. You matter and you’ve reminded me that depression lies when I’ve needed to hear it, and I want to remind you too. I’m really sorry that you’re having such a frustrating time. Please take care of yourself and remember that depression lies.
-Kim
I understand your frustration because I share it too. This past year I haven’t been able to create. I feel no creativity in myself. It could be the depression from recovering from ovarian cancer or the low thyroid levels I now have from medically induced menopause or having to work at a job that demands too much of my time. I always think tomorrow or this weekend or once this or that is over. I have no answers.