The captain dreams of flying but he’s oh so scared of heights

I’m having a bad mental health day.

Well, I’ve been having a string of bad mental health days.

Ten weeks or so, it seems, and every day is a battle just to get up and face it.

I’m paralyzed by a fear of failure, and that fear is stopping me from creating anything that matters.

Hell, it’s preventing me from creating anything at all.

So I gave myself an exercise today, to see if I can help move this ship that’s been trapped in ice.

I had a simple idea, and I gave myself permission to just spit it out without thinking too much. I decided to write in a style that I don’t normally use, just to crack the ice a little bit.

And because I’m so afraid of failure, I gave myself permission to share this unvarnished, unpolished, trapped-in-ice bunch of words that spilled out of my head.

The monster lives under the bed. It sleeps among the dust bunnies, wraps itself around the box of sweaters, stretches its legs between toys.

It keeps the lost socks. Lost things are desired to be found and that need sustains the monster when the children are not in their beds.

The children know the monster is there, as all children do, having felt its presence in the dark of night. Their parents don’t believe in monsters, as no parents do, having forgotten the truths they knew when they were children.

What the children and the parents don’t know is that the monster under the bed does not threaten on the children.

It protects them. From the other monsters.

The monster in the closet.

The monster who taps at the window when the wind blows.

The monster who lurks in the hallway, just outside the bedroom door.

The monster who stands in the room when the children hide beneath the covers.

The monster who lives under the bed waits for them to come calling. The monster who lives under the bed waits for them to tap on the window or scratch on the walls or creak the closet door open. The monster who lives under the bed waits and when the children are in danger, it reaches out with an impossibly long arm, covered with fur and scales and blisters and oozing pustules. It reaches out and opens a claw, snaps it closed on the neck of the monster who lives in the closet, crushes the life out of the monster who taps on the window, flays the skin off the monster who lurks in the hallway. When the children hide beneath the covers, it breaks the neck of the monster who stands in the dark bedroom.

It protects the children, as it protected their parents, as it will protect the children’s children long after they have grown into parents and forgotten it or any of the other monsters existed.

It protects them

and it waits.

It waits for all the other monsters to be driven out, so that it may uncoil itself, stretch itself out, creep into the bedroom

and feed.

Fifteen or so minutes, 352 words, a few images, an unexpected ending. Something where there wasn’t something before. Something unpolished and raw and imperfect. Something published for the sake a making a thing that isn’t perfect. Okay.

Maybe this will crack the ice, or at least sweep away a few snowdrifts.

Discover more from WIL WHEATON dot NET

Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.

182 thoughts on “The captain dreams of flying but he’s oh so scared of heights”

  1. Good job, Wil. It’s hard clawing yourself out of a rut, but forward progress is forward progress. I follow you on Tumblr and FB, and have kinda read between the lines that things have been tough for you for a bit. I’m glad that you seem to be working through it, even in little steps. Like I tell my students, “fair” isn’t everyone having 3 jellybeans. “Fair” is everyone having the tools to succeed, and sometimes that means success takes longer or some people need more supports. I’m glad you have this support, you are good at it, and I always look forward to reading your writing.

  2. That was delightfully dark and the perfect panacea for too much seasonal cheeriness. I needed that. Thank you. Please know that this will pass. Sending you as much joy as I have.

  3. Holy crap. I’d watch every episode of that TV series. I’d binge it in one night and go to work the next day bleary eyed and exhausted and barely able to talk to people. And the boss would ask what was going on and I’d tell her, “Wheaton’s new show about bed monsters, no Wheaton noe Whedon..” and the next day she would come in bleary eyed and understanding.

  7. I love your mind!! That story gave me such a foreboding feeling, in a good way. I had to read it twice in case the ending somehow wasn’t what I read the first time. Thank you for sharing. In case you were wondering – yes, please continue the story or write whatever you want, whenever you want because you are a natural writer & a compelling voice.

    I know you get this all the time but you don’t even realize how much you help me with my own dark struggles. I live with my own depression, my adult son who has depression & my girlfriend who is grieving the recent death of her mom. Not as much fun as you would think.

    Thank you Wil Wheaton.

  9. This was really interesting! I would enjoy reading more things like this, along with your other writings.

  10. Thanks for sharing Wil. I’m in a mental health rut right now too, and it’s somewhat comforting to hear about someone else going through the same thing. Don’t forget that DEPRESSION LIES and that things will one day be okay again. Keep writing, keep being, and keep being you.

  11. OMW! That fits perfectly with this crazy dream I had when I was about 2.

    Real Life: My parents had just moved into this new house, and my new room had a walk-in closet. They’re religious and had recently gone to a “Daniel and Revelation” seminar, and took me with them. I remember on the way home, asking them what 144 was (from Revelation, I think), and my mom said, “12 times 12.”

    Dream I had that night: I heard something in my closet, and peaked around the covers to see what it was. It was an aardvark, but with a pig’s nose. The nose had 144 tiny holes in it (instead of two large holes), and there was smoke coming out of them! Behind the smoke, I could see a huge fire burning in its belly. It scared me half to death, so I crawled under the bed to hide from it!

    Real Life: I woke up under the bed, scared half out of my wits, and I’m pretty sure I’d peed my pants.

    Moral of the story? MONSTERS IN THE CLOSET ARE REAL AND ONLY CHILDREN CAN SEE THEM!

  12. Will, Reading about your monster under the bed made me smile and reminded me of Piers Anothony’s Snortimer in Xanth

  13. I really enjoyed this, Wil. Thanks for fighting through your fears and sharing. I see how hard that can be and hope you feel all the work you did worth it. For I do .

  14. I find the present tense voice oddly liberating to write – and often more interesting to read – even if it’s hard to sustain it for very long. Nicely done and very evocative.

  15. Hey, that’s good! Well paced, surprise ending. I’m also seriously impressed by your giving yourself this permission, then acting on it. Not sure how to be supportive, just know that I am, and I look forward to whatever you have to say.

  16. I’ve also been struggling with those same issues lately. Thank you Wil, that was just what I needed!

  19. Very nice, especially considering that you saw this as the product of your “non-creative” moment. Thanks for sharin. You inspire and motivate by letting us other mere mortals see that it’s possible to shine a light and keep going even when life feels very dark and lonely. Cheers. 💜

  20. Ooh, creepy. I wasn’t expecting that ending. Thanks for sharing, I hope you feel better soon. 🙂

  21. For what it’s worth, I love it. It has imagery and feels.

    Keep trying to be good to yourself.

  22. Looks like my World of Darkness insomnia fueled and anxiety fed campaign… words are better though… well, maybe not words themselves but better put together. Loved i!

  23. I’ve been signed off work since mid October (UK reader) due to anxiety and panic attacks. I’ve suffered depression for years but all this is a first for me. Your writing reminds me that I’m not the only one struggling and that I am not alone in this battle. Thank you for your sharing – it helps many xx

  25. great story! sorry your brain gremlins are being difficult. can you perhaps introduce them to your monster? hug!

  29. When I’m having a hard time as well, I often come here to check your blog. As selfish as this may sound, I find comfort when you’ve posted about going through something similar, and it’s, strangely, often there at the right times. Whether you let us know you’re in the hole with us, or give us a hint as to how you found your way out this time, I find the company reassuring. Thank you for candidly letting us know we’re not alone.
    It’s been a string of ‘bad days’ and I’m grateful this was here today. The brilliant short story has provided a lovely distraction for my brain to feed on.

  33. Hi Wil Wheaton,

    I have been a fan of yours since Star Trek Next Gen.

    I don’t normally like to speak out in public but I needed to say this; I think you are a GREAT writer! And next time you’re overcome by your fears remember that it’s just your BEST EVER work yet that is just trying to emerge and fight the fear, like you just did, to allow the BEST to come out. I know exactly what you’re going through and thank you for showing me the way! Never stop writing! Xx

  36. My dear colleague Wil.

    As I write this response from Winnipeg where the temperature is currently -25.5C (unusually cold) I must admit I was pleased to see your confessions of doubt in yourself. Your willingness to be vulnerable with the community that surrounds you here is refreshing and therapeutic for those of us who struggle ourselves.

    It must be said however, that those of us that juggle main different projects, work, hobbys, etc, should never use the word failure. It is our gift that we are able to start many, many things and with time we will finish many of them with a varying degree of polish.

    We must always remember that sharing our thoughts and ideas is the principle task that we must undertake with each day, not necessarily being the creator of perfect gifts to society. I often remind myself of this when I read Asimov’s commentary. One in particular jumps out at me in a letter that Isaac Asimov sent to Gene Roddenberry. He says “I don’t know that I’ll have any magic solutions, but you know, some vagrant thought of mine might spark some thought in you and who knows. ”

    If we do not work and share our thoughts because we fear that our efforts are a failure we risk not sparking an idea in another that could lead to something bigger than ourselves.

    It is for that reason we should not fear failure but rather only fear that one day we may be unable to share our ideas and for that reason we must share all of our ideas, constantly.

    With that said, your audience, or your community here (they are not entirely the same), may be too big for that level of sharing and thus perhaps what you need is a network of individuals with which you can share on a intellectual, spiritual and brainstorming level where you know that the artificial parameters of quality (created far too often by people who are not creators themselves) are less important than the ideas.

    Take care good sir, your ship is not trapped in ice, you need only hoist the anchor a little more and you shall be on your way.

    Have a good day.
    Dale

  37. I don’t know if this helps, but you are not alone, feeling this way. I, too, have struggled with this most of my life. And, allthough I can’t give you advice on how to overcome this, I would like to thank you. Because reading your story here, and your reasoning behind it, inspired me to write a story of my own, a kind of answer story, if you will. 512 words of story worth, and I can almost not remember when I last produced 500 words in an hour. Maybe both our ships can help eachother out of the ice. Would you like me to post my story here?

  40. What an unexpectedly delightful twist. I enjoyed that. I hope that helped break the ice for you and that you are in a better place today

  41. Ooh, that’s very good and creepy. I’m sorry you’re having a string of bad days. But every string has an end, and you were very brave to create and share! Well done.

  43. So cool! I wish I could use it in my Supernatural in Literature class. It would make a nice companion piece to Donald Westlake’s “Nackles.”

  45. I find that sometimes it is the unpolished writing , the words that break through the static of depression, that hold a truth or a voice we may not have known before. As ever, I find you to be so brave, and think this piece is fantastic; it has a chilling sweetness.

  48. You might consider the space under the bed as a black hole into which you can throw all your fears and worries. The monster under the bed will not come out: only will take in. You are the master of the black hole…

  49. Something is always better than nothing. I like how this is a small roller coaster Scary monster is really not scary monster – but then, even scarier. Yikes.

  50. I liked it a lot. Good pacing, just the right amount of description. You showed so much with so few words.

    You are talented, you’ve worked hard to be so. You are appreciated. You make a difference. You are not alone.

    1. Thank you Wil for sharing your writings and humanity. You help to sustain us against the “monstrous” trauma of these times.

      I saw the following today and thought I would share:

      https://www.democracynow.org/2018/12/11/meet_the_15_year_old_swedish
      School Strike for Climate: Meet 15-Year-Old Activist Greta Thunberg, Who Inspired a Global Movement

      https://twitter.com/GretaThunberg/status/1072879958446481408
      15 year old climate activist with Asperger’s
      Climate leaders don’t just talk. They act. Join us!! Global climate strike 14 December. Spread the word!! #FridaysForFuture #ClimateStrike #ClimateChallenge #ClimateLeader #cop24 #schoolstrike4climate

      https://twitter.com/billmckibben
      https://twitter.com/billmckibben/status/1072920707007422466
      Bill McKibben‏ Verified account @billmckibben
      The nifty @GretaThunberg asked me to make a video supporting her call for a #climatestrike from school on Friday so politicians know kids are paying attention. So I did! Visit http://school-strike.net  for details

      Bill McKibben’s document for students, teachers and parents:
      https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vzhamVa5k1dYnUAvcxO6hF9MbtxHGVtnY2he5rkOSA4/edit?ts=5c0f74f9
      School #ClimateStrike 2018 – All You Need To Know

    2. Hello Wil, it’s my first time commenting here but I’ve been reading your work and enjoy all the writings you’ve shared, whether just about random life events or more serious topics like depression. I wanted to say that your story here whether it was just you rambling on about something or not was really cool and all I could see was this amazing superhero movie about a monster who protects kids from the things that go bump in the night who only exists as a part of them, maybe it’s just me but I thought that was amazingly creative so keep up the good work. Final thought though it has nothing to do with this I’d love to see more tabletop or other gaming or TV things come from that brilliant mind I know you have even when you don’t believe it yourself, so when your feeling like your in a stable enough place I’d love to see more even if not with the same people.

      P.S. I apologize for not reading your books, I know they exist and just haven’t really gotten around to getting them, life and all that.

      Sincerely

      Just some nobody who doesn’t like to see good people sad.

Comments are closed.

Related Posts

Recent Posts