When I was a child actor and my mom was forcing me to do all of the child actor things, she was obsessed with my reviews. She made me feel like they were a test that I had to pass. I had to make the reviewers happy, so the audience (“your fans”) would remain happy. She relentlessly drilled into me that nothing was more important than what other people thought about me and my work, that I should be terrified of this audience that simultaneously hung on my every word (“your fans”) but was also so fickle they’d abandon me the instant I upset them.
That wasn’t how anything worked. It did not reflect reality at all, but it was an extremely effective method of control. After Roger Ebert gave The Buddy System (a bad movie) a fair review (It’s a bad movie), I was distraught. He said something about how I played a brat in the film (I did) but what I heard was “Wil Wheaton is a brat”. All the fear and anxiety my mom had poured into me threatened to drown me — did I mention I was ELEVEN? — so the only way I could manage to fight back was to just completely reject the whole notion of reviews. I remember telling people that I just wanted to let the work speak for itself, and I didn’t want to be out there talking about it. I didn’t have the awareness I have now to understand I was crying out for my family to notice me as a person, instead of the thing that paid for their stuff and made my mom feel important. I knew in my heart the next review would be the bad one that my dad would shove in my face as evidence that I deserved his rejection, that I wasn’t good enough to be worthy of his love and attention. Over the decades, I decided it was better to just ignore all the good ones, because I knew in my heart I’d only listen to the bad ones. And it’s all subjective, anyway. It can’t be about an artist’s inherent worth or value as a person and creator.
(It breaks my heart that younger Wil carried that burden as long as he did, and as a parent, I can’t comprehend doing anything that would make my children feel about themselves the way my parents made me feel about myself. It’s why, when someone in my Reddit AMA asked me what’s one thing in your personal life that you’re proud of?, I said “I am the dad I didn’t have.”)
In about 1986, my mom realized that teen magazines were always thirsty for me. Before too long, their editors realized that she was thirsty for their approval. Thus began several years of me being forced into endless photo shoots and choreographed encounters with other teeny bopper magazine kids. It all felt like I was just being used by everyone involved, and I couldn’t say no to it.
For the longest time, I didn’t grok that all press isn’t the same, that some press can actually work against my career goals (like being in every teen magazine in the world when you’re trying to be taken seriously as an actor), and that there is press that can make all the difference. My experience was warped because the press my mother prioritized wasn’t the kind of press I learned how to do when I was promoting my book, and now my podcast. It wasn’t press that was coordinated and targeted to give the work the best chance to find its audience. It was almost always attention for its own sake, another way for my mom to put me in a place where I was on display while she gorged herself on the attention I didn’t want. I hated it. I hated that it was more important than literally anything about me as a person or a son. So I frequently chose to give bad interviews, rarely took them seriously, and was pretty crap at the whole thing. If you’re one of the people who had to interview that kid, I’m sorry. He’s struggling like you wouldn’t believe and doesn’t have any support.
I always felt like it was speeding up the countdown clock on my fifteen minutes. After Stand By Me, it sent this message that I was the teeny bopper flavor of the month, and River was the serious actor*. When I was put in front of the photographers and stuff, I felt like a piece of dry bread, being pecked to death by birds who didn’t care who they were eating, as long as they were fed.
Starting with Tabletop, my attitude about press and promotion began to change. I began to see it as a necessary part of the whole thing, that didn’t have to be gross. In fact, I learned that it wasn’t inherently gross — that was my mom — unless I chose to talk to a gross outlet, which I haven’t done since I was in charge of my life. Doing interviews with Felicia, I began to see press as something that could be fun while it was helpful. I realized that nearly all the people I’m talking to are also just people who are doing their jobs. I’m sure there are countless entertainers who treat press the way I did when I was a kid, and I’m sure working with them (or that version of me) isn’t great. So I choose to be as close to great as possible when I have the chance. I’m going to honor their time and their audience’s attention, and I’m only going to say yes to people I actually want to talk to.
I took all of that energy into the promotion of Still Just A Geek, and I think it’s a big part of my book becoming a New York Times bestseller. So OBVIOUSLY I’m going to continue down that road as I promote It’s Storytime with Wil Wheaton.
This is where I stop to make sure you know that I don’t hate any of what I’m doing now. I love all of it, and I’m grateful as fuck for everything that’s in front of me right now. This is where I think for a long time that I’m going to delete everything I just wrote and get to the thing I sat down here to write about in the first place.
…but I feel like that context is going to make the thing I wanted to write about in the first place a little more poignant. So. Thanks for your indulgence.
This is where I get to the actual post, and you realize that everything you’ve read to this point isn’t really the post, for some reason.
Before I walked Marlowe this morning, I was doing some administrative podcast work with my team. Our launch last week was met with enthusiasm that vastly exceeded my expectations, and we have way more media requests in five days than I thought we’d get in the whole first season. Yay! Go us! More people will get to find out we exist!
I’ve always planned for this podcast to start small and grow slowly. If this is going to find a large audience, it’s going to be because people who listened to it told their friends about it, who told their friends about it, and so on. It’s the only way I can compete for time and attention in a crowded marketplace.
This is a very important distinction I want to make about that phrase: I’m not personally competing with anyone in any kind of zero sum contest that will define our worth. I don’t feel like I need to prove to anyone that this is good enough (or that I am good enough) to justify their time; I just want to ensure that any person who will enjoy what we are doing knows we exist. And I hope those folks will choose to give me some of their time, once a week, until the heat death of the universe or I retire, whichever comes first.
As part of this discussion, my producer asked me if I’d looked at any reviews. I most certainly had not, for the reasons I wrote about (and nearly deleted) above. Well, I may want to, she told me, because they were entirely positive. Not mostly positive, mind you, but entirely positive**. I did not believe that was possible, so I went ahead and peeked through my fingers at the Apple Podcasts page for my show.
And, uh, well … yeah. The audience that listened to episode one and left reviews seems to have loved listening to it the way I loved narrating it.
Holy crap that’s incredible. It looks like what I worked to put into the world and what these people heard ended up being the same thing. That’s wonderful and so exciting!
We have a new episode dropping on Wednesday, and some other extremely cool stuff that’s sort of rendering into our reality as I type this. I’ll have more on that later this week or early next week. Also, I wanted to shout out Caroline M Yoachim, who wrote Rock Paper Scissors Love Death, for her Nebula nomination for We Will Teach You How To Read | We Will Teach You How To Read.
Oh, also, I was going to put this into its own blog, but it can go here: I don’t watch myself often, but when I do, I’m always looking for what I did wrong, where I fumbled my words, what I forgot to say, all the ways I sucked, etc. Because I am the executive producer and primary force behind this whole thing, I felt like I needed to watch myself on KTLA, the way an athlete looks at tape from the game, in case I am invited to be on other broadcasts or whatever.
I pressed play, and after about one minute, I became aware of tears flowing down my cheeks, because I was watching someone who looked and sounded just like me, only he was so happy and so comfortable in his own skin, so effortlessly proud of what he did without being Prideful, totally engaged with the hosts and genuinely grateful to be there. That guy takes nothing for granted and chooses gratitude. I want to be more like him.
Crying, yawning, laughing, are all ways our body reregulates our nervous system from an activated, fight or flight state, into a resting, parasympathetic state. My body had a lot to release, it turns out. Tears poured down my face and I felt all this tension in my chest and shoulders soften and release. I noticed that so much of the worry and weight of the possibility and hope I’m afraid to embrace wasn’t as heavy.
I was so happy to see that guy be happy. I was so happy to see that guy genuinely enjoying the opportunity in front of him, and I was so happy that he could receive the sincere interest and kindness of the hosts.
And that guy was me! I’m that guy!
There’s a version of me who doesn’t do The Work I have done and continue to do, and I don’t know that he even tries to make It’s Storytime. He doesn’t believe in himself, and he’s terrified to take chances. He is convinced that his dad is right about him. I want to gently hug that guy and show him what’s possible when he does The Work. I want him to know — I need him to know — that he can do it, because if I can, anyone can. Everything worth doing is hard, including The Work. That version of me — all versions of me — are worth it. I’m so grateful to be a version of me who never gave up when it was hard. I’m so grateful that I could see and feel and BE that version of myself.
To bring this back around (I love a good bookend***): I rarely read reviews, and when I do, I’ve always struggled to take anything away from them other than “well, 500 people say you’re awesome, but this one dude who can’t spell says you suck so he obviously sees through your facade and you should quit because you’ll never be good enough.”
I’ve done so much work, healed so much trauma, grown into something that looks an awful lot like what I hope my best self looks like, and that means I’m in a place where I can accept that the audience I hoped to reach is finding the thing I made, they are enjoying the thing, and telling other people about the thing. And not because they feel sorry for me or want something from me, but because they liked the thing I made and want to share how it made them feel with other people. That means everything to me.
It’s my understanding that the reviews and ratings y’all are leaving on the show are all very helpful for our discovery and growth. So I appreciate you all so much. I think we’ll have a good sense of the size and retention of the audience in about two weeks, and we’ll know if we can start ramping up for another season.
Thanks for being part of this, and coming on this journey with me. As I will continue saying, I’m so grateful you are here, and offering me a chance to entertain you.
Here’s my subscribe to the blog thingy:
And here are the obligatory collection of links to subscribe to (and rate and review) It’s Storytime with Wil Wheaton:
- Apple Podcasts
- PocketCast
- Stitcher
- Spotify
- Pandora
- iHeart
- Amazon
- or grab the RSS directly from me right here.
*That’s not entirely inaccurate, but not because of any choices I made, or anything inherent to me.
**I realize that this is begging for a review bombing.
***I need it to have been a true Oner, don’t you? Either way, it’s amazing, and they even told us where they could have cheated, but she said it was a true Oner with no cheats so … I choose to believe that it was, even though I know how unlikely that is.
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Very glad to see you being happy being you, Wil. 🫂
OMG I read the post to say you were the “expletive director” rather than “executive director”. And translated it to think you’d gone all Samual L. Jackson about being a director – and I’m going “Hell, YEAH”, because the episode was awesome and you SHOULD be proud!! More! We want more – from the awesome MF Director that is YOU!
One of my all time favourite quotes: “It’s not worth doing something unless someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren’t doing it.” – Terry Pratchett. You do good work Wheaton. Don’t let anyone tell you different.
And I’ll end with another of my favourite quotes: “The truth may be out there, but the lies are inside your head.” – TP
That’s totally awesome. Loved the interview, and the first episode story was amazing. Can’t wait for Wednesday!
I hadn’t watch the KTLA interview until today, and you’re right. You radiated happy and comfortable! The whole desk picked up and mirrored your vibe. It seemed like the anchors were having as much fun talking to you as you were having being there. Thanks for sharing!
Your dad is, was, and always has been wrong about you.
There are some similarities in how I feel my parents viewed me, but not to the extent you had to live with – they weren’t feeding off me as a narcissistic source of energy; they were just wrong.
Keep writing. Keep doing Storytime. Keep doing whatever makes you feel happy and fulfilled. .
What I am happy to report is that you turned out to really be the nice human being I believed you were all along, especially since a wee part of me was prepared to be proven wrong. Thanks!
You are a skilled creator, whether a writer, narrator, producer or all three.
And you are loved.
Hi Wil. As the child of abusive parents, I can well relate to your emotional and self esteem struggles. I’m so proud of your personal growth and I love that you’ve managed to become the wonderful Dad that you never had. Best wishes for continued success and happiness. Cheers, Deb.
You inspire me to pursue the parts of myself that are unapologetically me and to shed the mask of being who I think I need to be in order to be accepted. Fantastic first episode. Thank you.
Thanks for sharing, am sure many of us could relate to parts of your story – specifically related to self judgement in our youth.
I watched that KTLA interview and thought that it was adorable. I could tell you felt good and it wasn’t awkward at all.
Your mom sucks. Your dad is the worst. I’m so sorry.
You said you are the dad you didn’t have but you’re also the dad a lot of us didn’t have. I know you’re just my internet dad, my uncle wil, but in my entire adult life I have gotten 10x more wisdom and advice from you (directly or indirectly) than I ever have from my absolutely checked out absent dad.
Ok listened to the first podcast episode three times today. Once on the way to work. Again on the way home because my brain couldn’t process the timeline, and a third time on the way to swim class with my 11 year old Alice so I could share it with her. (She adores audiobooks and podcasts).
I tell my clients all the time that every hotel in the world has at least one 1-star review. You can’t make everyone happy.
You deserve all the five stars.
Did it land on Alice? I want to share it with my 13 year-old nephew, but I’m not sure it’s accessible to younger readers.
Hey Wil,
I’m just mostly brand new to being a dad (have an almost 3 year old) but I’m going to try my had at dad advice….here goes nothing…..
This story was a really fun listen made even better because of the great audiobook reader (is that the right title) that you are. It might be a little hard for your nephew to follow but if you sit with him while he is listening or better yet listen together you guys can pause and he can ask question and you can help him develop that part of you brain that you use to make sense of time travel paradoxes.
If he has a decent love of reading and likes sci-fi then I think he will enjoy this. Just try it. 🙂
Ok end of dad advice. I hope I did well.
P.s. looking forward to the next episode.
I said, my friend has a new podcast you want to listen? Alice is my quiet one. She said she liked the time travel in the story (she probably understood it better than I did) and she wants to listen again next week.
In no way do I want you to alter anything to target kids, but I love having this to share with her!
(We listen to Lore a lot too).
You don’t know if it will land with your nephew until you try, and if it doesn’t…well, you tried. kids are tricky lil things.
That’s awesome!
👍
Wish I could give you a big hug. Keep on being your true self! 🥰
I feel like this new podcast is a long time coming, considering you did a bit of it on your old podcast (I miss Radio Free Burrito with all my heart). I’m glad it’s reaching people, not at all surprised folks love it but glad they do! I’ll have to check it out (I can be picky with fictional stories… it’s an anxiety thing…)
While it is your work that got our attention, following your personal stories has gotten us to like you as the person you are. It turns out that you are a good guy with a lot to say and a lot to do. Carry on!
I am so proud that the kind, considerate man I first met at a Pasadena Con is finally getting the attention and press he deserves! I’ve enjoyed every performance of yours that I’ve seen, and I look forward to your next podcast (which is the first one I’ve ever subscribed to!).
Congratulations all around! I love listening to fiction – so your new podcast has me figuring out how to get podcasts back onto my phone.
(PS: I used the Stitcher app for ages, but sadly it was apparently shut down after they were bought by SiriusXM – so you probably should remove it from your list of sources above.)
You echoed this wonderful statement from Dr. Kelso on Scrubs: Nothing in this life that’s worth having comes easy.
Hey! You’re that guy who deserves happiness and success. You’ve done good work (exterior and interior).
It pains me to find out the back stories of the child actors we grew up with. I was envious of certain stars, I thought they had amazing lives until the veil was lifted with Dana Plato. I cried for her, Gary Coleman, and so many more who were not allowed to have a “normal” childhood. Now I pray for young performers, hoping the adults surrounding them are nurturing their children talents, interests and dreams and not searching for their own spotlight or fortune. Can you advocate for mental health professionals to be present when child actors are on set?
Love that you used grok in your ramblings!
Crying with you, because I am so happy to read how happy you are (does this sentece still make sense?). I love what you do and what you choose to share of yourself with the world!
Unless I missed it… (I have reading retention issues with adult ADHD). Do you currently have a relationship with your parents? I can certainly understand why you would not… but having lost both my parents… my father at 16 and my mother at 48… I always feel sadness when a person has them to love… but has no relationship with them… it is obviously their on fault if you do not. I have read so many stories of child actors with ridiculous parents… it’s so sad. Glad you survived and are thriving.
No. In 2017, after trying so hard for so long to help them understand what I experienced, and heal it together, I had to accept that they just weren’t interested. I am close with my sister, but she’s the only biological family I have.
Sad to hear… but it is important you do what is best for you and YOUR family now. It is their loss… and now missing out on watching their grand children grow.
“There’s a version of me who doesn’t do The Work I have done and continue to do” Anyone else immediately think of Lt. Picard from Tapestry here, or was it just me? He is that version of Picard who didn’t do The Work. Wil, you are the Captain Picard of your life, and by any measure, that is a successful life. Congrats!
I am so proud of you! You did good!
Wil, you are inspirational. You’ve been through hell and managed, not just to survive, but to thrive and create beautiful, wonderful things. I hope that I can be like you and create beautiful things that help others.
I absolutely LOVED the first episode!! It was so good. I wasn’t sure what to expect, and it really surprised me in a good way. I can’t wait to listen to more.
I love It’s Storytime! The RSS link doesn’t work FYI. https://feeds.megaphone.fm/itsstorytime
What an amazing person you are, Wil. I’m so happy for you that you are happy. The podcast is just great and I look forward to future episodes.
I’m glad you’re happy!
I really enjoyed the story and your narration of it. Your performance really just makes it so the listener can get lost in the story and immersed in it.
Thanks for putting this into the world. I downloaded a new app just so I could enjoy it. I look forward to many more pleasant drives listening to It’s Storytime with Wil Wheaton, and perhaps some other podcasts or stories.
I often listen to public radio, which is important, but lately finding it’s burning me out because the world is on fire. It’s nice to have balance, and I think better to still listen to news, but take a break for enjoyment and personal fulfillment too. Thanks again for providing and inspiring me to take the time for it.
Best Wishes! – Craig
God dammit, Wil. Reading some of your comments about your own self-doubt was like seeing a better-written expression of my own perpetual self-criticism. Are you proud of yourself for making another grown man cry? Well, in this case you should be.
I’ve long enjoyed your work. It has been clear to me how your more recent work has been so much more joyous and fulfilling for you, even without having yet heard your podcast (I’ll get to it, as I’ve enjoyed your approach to vocalized storytelling in the past). The pure joy of The Ready Room just amplified your own personal renaissance in all the best possible ways. While I remain deeply disappointed at the end of that program, it does make me enthusiastic to experience this new venture with you.
But yeah, while not as unrelenting as your experience with your parents, I had some similar issues during my formative years that long had me identifying with Gordie: my real father not being part of my life much at all, and my mother’s boyfriend when I was in kindergarten delighting in terrifying me (ie: threatening me with a belt if I left more than one toy out) and making it known that while he was the only thing I knew of as a father I was less of value to him than his nephew. Thus the funeral dream from SBM has always been a stab in the gut for me, and learning how close that was to your own real life experience makes it cut that much more deeply.
Pain empathy aside, I truly am thrilled by the rest of this. I am so happy to see how happy you’ve become, the support you have from your chosen family, and the work that so clearly fulfills you. I truly do look forward to following this journey of yours. And it gives hope to those of us that are still struggling. There CAN be good. Thank you, Wil.
You definitely deserve all the good reviews, Wil, you are a fantastic narrator. Can’t wait for the second podcast!
It’s been a joy watching you get more comfortable in your own skin in recent years. I think the success of your Storytime is an outgrowth of that. I thoroughly enjoyed the first episode – even more than the several I heard of LeVar’s before I gave up on it. Your style is just so much more easygoing.
I’m subscribed and I will continue to listen as long you want to keep it going.
Thanks Will. Just keep being the authentic you – you’re the only you in existence so keep shining your light.👍
Hey Wil, let this be a sign that you actually do deserve all of the love ‘your fans’ (or: your cheerleaders) poor out over you. You’re making cool stuff and it’s okay to be happy about it doing well. Good job on the self reflection and the work you’re doing to help yourself to enjoy it. <3
So happy for you, Wil, and for all of us who will get to enjoy hearing you read these stories! I just loved the first one and teared up a bit myself when I saw how comfortable and happy you were at the KTLA interview! Best wishes!
Thank you so much for starting this Podcast. I listened with delight to the first story, not sure what I was expecting as I don’t think I’ve ever listened to one before. It was just the break I needed from our sad reality. I look forward with great anticipation for both your wonderful Podcast, and the emails you send out. This last one had me crying as i read about your Moms cruel manipulations of you as a child, your Father’s rejections and the damage they did. My heart sings to hear you’ve risen above it all and found healing. May all your reviews continue to be 100% positive. You deserve nothing else.
That’s wonderful, Wil! I’m glad the podcast is finding its place!
This touched me (in a non-creepy way). I am so glad that you are enjoying being you.
I’m so happy for you, Wil. Really enjoyed the first episode.
I haven’t listened yet, but I surely will. I really loved this post even though, during most of the reading, I had something in both my eyes. 🙂
Just finished listening to Rock Paper Scissors Death, and it was great! It took about half the story for me to figure out the thing that would be a spoiler to write here but WOW. This is my 5 stars that I can’t figure out how to do on Apple Podcasts on my phone. You did it, Will. You left the past behind and leapt forward into the self you were supposed to be.
Wil, I’m exceptionally glad that you’ve been able to accept that the only example some parents can provide for their kids is a bad example. It also sounds like you’re getting to or have gotten to a place where you’re able to acknowledge and accept your scars without letting them define you. Would that more people could do the same!
Is it weird that I can just immediately hear the punching sound from this Simpson’s image?
So happy for this post and for the success of the podcast, I think a while back you mentioned someone told you to never put your own money into a project and I am so glad you didn’t listen to that person.
I am joyful to see you in such a better place, I love your comment about being the dad you never had—I feel I am doing this for my kids and being the mom I never had and it’s very fulfilling.
I have a sister in law who does all of the theatre things in Atlanta and we support her because we love her but we are also fortunate she is one talented actress, director, fight choreographer and intimacy choreographer—we would support her either way but I love how damn good she is makes supporting her easier and I say this because while I am a huge Wil Wheaton fan I love how good this project is and while I would have supported you either way I love how great this is, it’s a perfect idea and you are executing it smart and doing it well!
Wish you all the best and look forward to many more great episodes and bothering my friends to subscribe
I have an immense amount of trouble taking up space on the planet. I don’t know how to accept compliments (I couldn’t have possibly done that right….) and I don’t know how to ask for help when I need it. I just struggle through. So seeing you figure out how to take up space in a healthy way is really uplifting. It gives me hope that I’ll be able to do the same some day soon.
A friend of mine just posted on Facebook: “It’s a little weird getting your AARP magazine with the same people on the cover who were on Tigerbeat when you were 13.”
Ugh. It’s the worst.
Love it! That’s a challenging journey, but you leveled enough to make it!