A couple weeks ago, I got fed up with my body feeling sore all the time because I’m not taking better care of it.
I mean, I eat well, I haven’t touched alcohol in almost 11 years, and I take pretty decent walks every day. But my muscle mass still hasn’t recovered from the seizure I had a couple years ago, no matter how regularly I lift weights and do moderate exercise. It’s demoralizing for me, as someone who was relentlessly bullied by my father for being skinny, picked on my kids at school for being uncoordinated, who always felt like he wasn’t enough.
If anyone is wondering how badly mistreating a child affects them, wondering how long the pain and the fear and the confusion and the sadness lasts, how it all persists regardless of how much success you have in your life, I’m almost 54. So.
Anyway. I woke up about two weeks ago, and everything hurt: my hips, my shoulders, the spot in my upper back where one of my vertebrae rotated during my seizure and stayed that way for five months. And just to spice things up, a raging headache.
I was, like, “hey, good thing I quit drinking so I never woke up feeling hungover again.”
I’m big on gallows humor.
When I get that physical pain, which isn’t clinically chronic pain, but is practically the same for me, it’s depressing. It’s infuriating. It makes me want to scream. I’m impatient, I’m irritable, and I do not like the person I am.
I dragged myself out of bed, counted that as a victory, and started my day. Coffee, granola, another coffee, my fiber because I’m punk as fuck, a long and considered moment in front of the Chemex as I talk myself out of the third coffee I know will be Officially Too Much Coffee For Wil.
While I was not having too much coffee (water, instead, because I’m a goddamn adult), I began looking at couch to 5K plans. I last did that in 2017 (my best time was 29:59) and I loved it. It really helped when I was living my life as a sober person for the first time, losing the bloat and unhealthy bleh that years of abuse had inflicted upon my body. It was pretty great, watching my body shed not just pounds but a lot of trauma and self-harm as I got stronger and felt more and more like I wasn’t a worthless piece of shit (I was never a worthless piece of shit, to be clear; Depression Lies and trauma is a bitch). When I finally did my race, and I pushed myself like hell for the last few hundred meters to get under 30 minutes, I felt like a warrior. Like, Worf would have been so massively proud of me.
I felt so good, so solid and present in my life, that it was absolutely devastating when I hurt myself one day (hurt my Old, if I’m being technical about it) while I was out, and had to limp home. It was, like, step, step, step, PAIN. My calf cramped up, and before I knew it, it ran up my hamstring and down into the bottom of my foot. I still don’t know how it happened, but I can remember what happened next. This was a over a year before I did weekly EMDR and CPTSD recovery work, so I had not yet handled my lingering anger … and I was fucking enraged. I was so furious that this thing I love, this thing that was helping me reclaim my body and my spirit from literal decades of pain and abuse and motherfucking functional alcoholism was stolen from me, literally yanked out from underneath my feet, while I was in the middle doing it. I didn’t do anything wrong, I thought, and I still got hurt. Jesus fuck, could that be more on the nose?
The incandescent anger I felt, the sense of being betrayed by my own body, the futility of doing anything because some fucking bullshit always fucks it up anyway and it’s never going to get any better … that was a lot.
But I didn’t give up right away. I did my best to work out the injury with massage and other forms of exercise. I just couldn’t get whatever I had injured to tell me what it needed, and neither could the doctors I saw about it. Eventually, I just resigned myself to never running again.
Then my friend, Jenna, who is just two years younger than me, started running marathons. I have lost count but I think it’s got to be close to 50 now? At first, I was envious, then I was inspired, but I was always afraid to take the risk and start again. Sure, it had been a couple years since I hurt myself, and I had done a massive amount of recovery and healing work. I worked on how angry I felt when I confronted my trauma, until I didn’t feel angry anymore. I reparented myself, and lived every day making a conscious effort to be the adult I always needed.
Yadda yadda yadda I got better. I am better. I still have bad days (this year has been so hard, with so much loss and grief), and I get through them. I have good days, even great days, and I don’t take them for granted.
So when I woke up a couple weeks ago and my everything hurt, and I went through my morning routine, I made a promise to myself to get serious about regular, moderate exercise. The big hurdle for me was feeling like I am worth it. After all these years, after all the therapy and all the work, I still struggle to put myself first, to take really good care of myself because there are people who love me who will be really sad if I don’t. (I’m working on being one of those people, but it’s still a struggle more often than it should be.)
I looked at half a dozen plans, and saw the things they all had in common. I deliberately chose the easiest, slowest, you-haven’t-done-shit-in-years plan, set the intervals in my watch, walked out the door, and got started.
My first week of training was so fun! I started out doing 30 seconds of jogging and a minute of walking, for 20 minutes. The first day was easy and fun. The second day, the first half block felt like I was running through molasses before I broke free and settled in. I discovered that Keep Me Fed, by The Warning, was a fantastic companion album for my session. The rest of the week was an absolute joy. I felt accomplished and excited.
I was out for my first run in week two, doing 60 seconds of jogging and 90 walking, almost finished with my penultimate interval. I turned down my street. Step, step, step, PAIN. The exact same thing that happened before.
Are you fucking kidding me? What the actual fuck, Wil’s Body?
I stopped. I breathed. I grabbed a nearby pole and gently stretched my calves and hamstrings. I massaged my leg. Nothing worked. I limped home.
I was so incredibly disappointed, so bummed out, but I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t enraged. I wasn’t mad at myself or the incredible unfairness of this bullshit, all over again. I just limped home, took off my shoes, used the foam roller, and then I sat down and cried.
I cried because I miss Marlowe.
I cried because my body hurt.
I cried because it’s so unfair to do everything right and still my dad doesn’t love me.
I cried because I’m just so totally exhausted by the cruelty and the violence that could have been avoided.
I just cried and cried, as all this grief poured out of me.
None of it made my leg get better, but it was cathartic. And I was grateful for it, because choosing to experience grief instead of avoiding it with anger was a big time goal, something I worked really hard to accomplish.
When I was done, my body still hurt, but my emotional self felt okay. Sure, I was disappointed, but I didn’t get mad about something that wasn’t going to change because I was mad. I spared myself from that experience, and I’m proud of myself for doing it.
I accepted that I wasn’t going to be able to run for at least a week. I took long walks instead, occasionally stopping to do some squats for strength and mobility. I did gentle exercises inside at home, not because I wanted to experience a change in my appearance, but because I felt better, emotionally as well as physically, when I was done. I invested maybe half an hour a day, and it paid off at like 5:1.
Today, I woke up (saw, again, that it still hasn’t happened), ate my breakfast, and asked my body how it was doing. Every department checked in with a green flag, except for my injured leg, which was like “I’m about 96% there, I think.” So I decided to attempt a very gentle rehab walk/jog, just once around the block.
I started Recipe For Hate, walked to warm up, and then did little intervals — very gently — around the block. One lap in, it was a little achy, but didn’t feel like it was going to cramp up again. So I went for another lap, then another, then another. I ended up doing about 20 minutes, just jogging and walking when it felt right.
And when I got home, I felt like a champion. I felt like I’d done something good for my body that I have to live in, and for the me that lives in it.
I have to go back to the beginning, I think, but that’s fine. I don’t have a race on my calendar, and this isn’t a contest or anything. It’s something more special and meaningful to me than that, and I’m really proud of myself for having the ability to understand and embrace that.
I’m worth it. You’re worth it. Whatever your Couch to 5K is, I know you can do it. I believe in me, and I believe in you.
Thanks for stopping by.
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As someone who has had some pretty significant damage from only a couple seizures. I get you, here with you. Hell yeah EMDR
EMDR and IFS are what pushed me to go back for my degree. Just finished the Psy BS this month. Hopefully starting my MA in Counseling in July!
Same here. EMDR was working and helping, but it was the IFS therapy model that really made the difference for me. I’m gonna take a moment to celebrate you going back to school. I’m so proud of you 🙂
Good for you, Wil. Trying to get myself going on a couch to 5k as well, just for general fitness. Congratulations!
“I just started runnin'” Like you, I quit alcohol 10+ years ago. Like you I dabbled with running. I truly dislike running. In the end, I do hear you… the enjoyable albums, the catharsis, the feeling like a champion. I believe in me, I believe in you.
I would say I know how you feel. But when I stop to think, I don’t really know — I’m just a teenager, you know? But whether I want to or not, hearing stories like that from someone I admire so much triggers an incredible compassion in me. You deserve all the support, Wil. We love you.”
That’s really great! It’s all about what’s best for you. The only comparison worth making is versus previous versions of you and you did all the things!
One thing that helped me and could help others: run to a metronome set to 180. I know it sounds crazy but it can really help with pain because it forces you to take smaller strides and lighter steps. Don’t do it if it hurts though!
I like this a lot, enough that I might go look for songs that are at this rate. Maybe make a playlist. Any ideas?
I’ve had bad luck. I get out of step with music. I’ll take your recommendations 😂 I mostly do podcasts. I have the metronome and the podcast at the same time.
I love these stories on your blog. As someone that grew up with abusive parents and has chronic health problems, these stories are so important to me. I’m a cyclist, not a runner, but I completely understand. And I’m happy for you overcoming these obstacles in your life. Keep sharing your progress and thanks!
Wil, you are a gosh darned inspiration. I’m so glad you’re getting active, and giving your body rest when it needs it. I’m on the cusp of 43 and doing my damndest to get healthy after years of abuse and depression. Took up skateboarding, too, just because it makes me happy. I’m not the best, I hurt a lot after I go out, and the world is still on fire when I’m done, but focusing on those moments of joy are worth it.
Stay awesome. <3
I love hearing these real stories.
Thank you. I love writing them down.
Also, I haven’t tried The Warning for running music I’ll have to put them in the mix.
I so sympathize with a body that betrays you all the time…i frequently joke i am the least broken person in my family (EDS, and wonky spines all around). You are taking the steps, and I hope so much for you that you find the routine that works for you, both physically and mentally. I am cheering you on, 4 yrs down the road from my own reset and absolutely confident that you’ll get there, on your own terms and with lots of grace and patience for working with your limitations not against them. Xoxoxo
I really appreciate this story and as much as it resonated with me, I am sure many many others will connect with it too. Thank you Wil for being as forthright as you are with your experiences, good and bad. It helps. They don’t solve my problems, but they help me see I can get to where I want to be with patience and love and empathy.
I feel this.
I’m 58 and I tell people that I move so I can keep moving. I’m consistent, I’m careful, but I’m also 58 and so sometimes my sciatica flares or plantar fascitis makes a visit. I get pissed off and kick rocks for a bit each time I have to start over, but I also know it’s okay. As long as I keep moving, I’ll be able to keep moving.
Keep moving. Keep being gentle and careful with your body. Keep allowing yourself space to grieve and space to heal.
Keep sharing your stories so we all know we aren’t alone.
Thanks for this, Wil. Your authenticity is always appreciated. For myself, perimenopause has been a ton of bricks — the three big things for me have been weight gain, joint pain always, and feeling unloved. I am thankful for HRT and water aerobics for helping me with those. I now feel more normal, but my head beats myself up about still being “bigger than I should” (which is just our culture being mean to us). And then, the losses too — my very first ever and much loved dog died in March. It was sudden. And then, my Dad died suddenly 3 weeks ago. He loved us and we loved him. I’m heading home next week to support my mom, and I feel a lot of trepidation about going into the house with him no longer with us. Then the funeral. Every moment, I’m reminded — even in your story — just how lucky I am to have a Dad who Loved Us. And, yeah, there’s lot sof crying these days.
But there’s crying, and listening to my body, and keeping my mind from running amok, and just making sure I don’t over-do my caffeine either, and sticking to routines, and crying, an getting into the water whenever I can to feel good.
I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you healing and comfort as you grieve.
Thank you for sharing this and showing us how strong you truly are. After reading this I cried because it is not fair that such a nice and honest person has to have so many so bad strugels.
I’m always proud of you whenever I read any of your posts and I wish for you to be proud of yourself. You have made fantastic progress in life and you deserve all the happiness (and pain-free days) possible 🙏🏼
As a potentially useless aside…. I used to get really bad calf cramps and it would jack up my whole leg…. I still get them sometimes but now when I get one I know to take some standard processed disodium phosphate…. And that fixes it for me. I don’t expect that to help anyone else but I do know that that fixes it for me.
By the next day my leg is not freaking out anymore and I can get back to walking or running or what have you.
My calf cramps would happen sometimes in the middle of the night while I was sleeping oh my gods it was so bad. I deeply feel for you.
I found that if I straightened my leg and yanked my foot towards myself at a 90° angle that it would immediately force my calf to begin subsiding from cramping. Again I don’t expect that to help anybody else but there’s the info that works for me 🤷🏼
Surviving the crappy lives that we were dealt is progress…. Healing from surviving is progress…. Learning the skills that we used to survive and then recognizing them so that we can choose better new skills so that we can thrive….. Is progress.
We all get there at our own pace 🙏🏼 You’re doing a great job and I’m grateful that you are putting your story out into the world for others to hear 🙏🏼 thank you for being so authentic and transparent 🙏🏼
My “couch to 5k” is me currently applying for my Master’s. Just got my Bachelor’s at 42. Eep. Here we go!
Thank you, Wil. We’re all on our journeys together, forward and backward, limping through life the best we know how. Your kind, loving presence is so useful and we’re glad you’re limping alongside us.
So much love to you and thank you for being so vulnerable with us again. This really resonated with me and the journey I’m on.
I thoroughly understand this story with the anger, frustration, pain and loss as someone who was extremely active and practicing “healthy aging” until one day a decade ago when my hip decided to set me on the path to a chronic pain problem that stopped everything.
It happened right as the opiate crisis had kicked off and my doctors used pain meds as a band-aid to get me through to my next appointment with this specialist or that test and procedure. Sometimes, it was months between getting an appointment to wait months before seeing a specialist and months before getting a test and months before getting a test read and getting back to a specialist and months to requesting a procedure, having the procedure denied by my insurance, months to appealing and getting approved or ultimately denied… YEARS before I discovered it was the opiates were a large part of the pain issue. They actually made the pain worse. Meanwhile, I was treated as an addict because I couldn’t simply stop taking the pain meds without going through withdrawals. I have never been treated so poorly and it showed in my declining mental health. I found my own path out of prescription pain pills and know how industrialized, corporate medicine is not my friend.
Covid lockdowns exacerbated all of that with the exception that while I was suffering at not being able to continue my activities and workouts, neither was anyone else.
I’ve now figured out where I need to be and how to get there. It’s a simple as the sign I saw that read, “The heaviest weight to lift is the one that opens the door to the gym!” I’m probably paraphrasing, but the point remains. My spouse has recently retired and also needs physical fitness remediation and agreed to begin a water aerobics class with me. It’s a beginning.
I also understand how the loss of a dog can affect one’s health not only for the grief, but how I no longer have the walking buddy who would not let me live my life until we made a mile long hike to make sure he helped keep the local squirrels in line. I still have his brother with me, but at 15 years old, the walks are slower and shorter. My husband’s retirement has taken that duty away from me, as well, as he now takes my golden on a brief morning walk as long the doggo’s arthritis allows him. We cherish the limited walks that remain in the old boy.
I wish Wil peace from the grief of the loss of Marlowe. I am pre-grieving the loss of my goofy boy, but cherishing every moment and doing what I can to keep him comfortable. Meanwhile, I’m packing my swim bag and setting my goal to get through one water workout by the end of this month.
I have to wonder if you might give up listening to music or any outside source of pace regulation while you’re out there to see if that lets you notice the first, most subtle signs of an issue starting up. It might make a difference.
I should have added that I listen so intently to music that I easily miss signs of oncoming issues (which I do have and need to pay attention to).
Dear Wil, it honestly hurts my soul to read this. You are worth so much, and everything you say and write has such a deep impact on all of us. Actually, I noticed you haven’t checked Patreon yet; there’s a comment I left you on a pretty old post, where I tell you something you DEFINITIVELY need to read, especially the ending, and especially today that you decided to share this with us. To be honest, I was really scared to write it, fearing you might judge me.
I also have chronic pain: diabetic neuropathy and spinal issues where my spine presses on my nerves. There is so little I can do because of the pain it causes me, so I know the rage you feel when your body doesn’t help you.
I feel like, maybe, this isn’t the right place for me to open up, and perhaps Patreon is more intimate for those of us who follow your work and whose sensitive fibers you touch. But definitely, I think if you open yourself up this way to us, me doing it in such a public place might encourage more people to do the same, and show you that you are worth way more than you think, and that every day you make a superhuman effort so your mind doesn’t defeat you. What you express is really worth it. Not just for you, but for us too.
I’m going to close with your own words.
I’m worth it. You’re worth it. I believe in me, and I believe in you.
Thanks for stopping by.
Congratulations to you for finding a rhythm in your walk/jog that worked for you. That kind of stuff is hard to do. And double congratulations for working to continue your emotional healing. Your story reached out to me on multiple levels. I’m currently trying to figure out a problem with my walk/jog routine and I’m always working to improve my acceptance of myself. (Note: the wrong shoes and pushing thru pain are not good answers for the exercise.) Anyway, random internet stranger here offering support and care for you as you continue on your journey. Your occasional notes about it have helped me as I wander down this path called life.
Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability, Wil. I always love reading your blog posts and I am always so moved by your authenticity. You share such real experiences and it helps me find the joy and support I need in my life as well.
This in particular resonated with me, so just wanted to plant a little seed based on a physical/mental health transformation I have been undergoing for the past year. I was suffering from a lot of unexplainable body-wide pain + other symptoms which had no apparent cause (I had blood tests, MRIs, you name it for months). I finally found a physical therapist that had experience treating chronic, specifically neuroplastic pain, which completely changed my life. It’s a terribly under-discussed and under-researched topic so a lot of people with similar stories only got out of their pain from word-of-mouth from other people that have suffered the same thing. Not sure if you’ve heard of this but it blew my mind to learn how many body issues can actually have neuroplastic causes and even biological/structural things often have a neuroplastic component. My entire life is so different and richer now and I’ve been telling everyone because of how much it can improve your relationship to your body no matter what you’re going through. I started with Alan Gordon’s book “The Way Out” (highly recommend for literally anyone) but there’s lots of other resources too.
Thanks for your encouragement and I hope your journey continues to be transformative and healing for you :))
I’m so incredibly proud of you, and so grateful to you for sharing your journey with us. The messy, painful parts, the setbacks, your healing progress and learning to be gentle with yourself, all of it. You’re a good human, Wil.
For decades, I would get random pains, weird random twitching, occasional charlie horses, and had a mild “essential tremor”. I started wondering if the brominated vegetable oil in my long-term Mt Dew abuse was finally cashing in on the Faustian bargain. So I stopped all soft drinks. That was good for eliminating the liver-killing sugar spikes, but it still didn’t fix things. Well, it appears that I wasn’t getting enough Mg, K, and B12 in my crappy diet. Supplements for these two, plus eating better, and now most of these symptoms are gone or infrequent. Maybe I don’t have a neurological disorder after all! It’s a relatively cheap thing to try for a few months, if you’re Wil-ing.
Crying things out is such a good release. It doesn’t make everything go away, but it’s much easier to carry after.
I miss exercise. Like I never thought I would. I’m also 54 soon (oh, in a week…these things really sneak up on you as you get older) Just about 12 years ago I was diagnosed with ME and fibromyalgia, I wish I understood then how much worse it was going to get. Now I can try to exercise, but I’ll never be able to do the Jane Fonda level “I have so many endorphins I think I’m in invincible” level of exercise. I also can’t cry, I miss that too, who would have thought? It does make me happy to see you enjoying life though, and as much as it’s awful to see you both break over Marlowe, I know it’s only this hard because of how good it was…and I love that part for you. Thank you for the distraction your tales bring, oh and ‘Marillion – Clutching at straws’ was always my go to running music 🫶
I used to go to the gym regularly but then working from home, followed by Covid, sort of ended that. I mean, I can do body weight exercises and have a rowing machine but it’s not the same.
One thing I started noticing is how stiff I was getting not doing some kind of regular exercise. I started looking for options for stretching, especially after I had a bout with a seriously stiff Achilles heel and tweaked my knee. I found this woman who has some great videos demonstrating various dynamic movement types of stretches that have really been helpful. I can’t do them all but what I’ve been able to do has actually helped a lot.
https://www.youtube.com/@proformancesportstherapy
@Proformancesportstherapy on YT. Alyssa Lu.
Just thought I’d put it out there in case you’re looking for suggestions. Always enjoy your posts. It’s almost like you’re a great story teller or something. 😉
I’m so glad you are able to keep going. I’m doing a similar self program to get more movement out of myself. Similarly, my right ankle said it was not having any of it a few days ago. (I broke both of my ankles twice) just one step at a time, Wil. You keep on keeping on, and I will also. We can do this!
Wil, I know we will likely never meet IRL, but I feel so connected with you as a person. Not Wesley, or the creepy motel guy in “Criminal Minds (just re-watched that and you were so disturbing)or even Charlie the Starter Villain.
The childhood trauma, the anathema of considering myself worthy of time or attention, the fighting against 63 years of indoctrination to be quiet and don’t make waves-it’s a long road. Then my dogs died, Covid hit, my mother died from dementia, my brother died from his body just giving out,, and my father died. Throughout it all, I worked at an increasing difficult job, and tried to function without having a nervous breakdown.
I printed this essay off to re-read and keep my self grounded. Thank you so much.
I also saw him in Criminal Minds and I was fascinated by that performance. He really captured that dark, evil mind of a killer—it was all in his eyes, his gestures, and his body language. I’ve seen very few actors do that, but he nailed it. He showed a completely different side of himself, totally opposite to who he is in real life. That is what makes a TRUE ACTOR.
Also, I totally get what you’ve been through. I’ve had to keep my emotions to myself my whole life too, so I’m really sorry you had to go through all that. I know words might sound empty, but your fight wasn’t. You kept going, and that’s so valuable. Sending you a big hug, Lisa. <3
I was a sprinter in school but never considered myself a distance runner until a friend and I signed up for a running program and completed a 5K together. Then it became my free therapy for years. Now I take daily walks with a few slow running intervals tossed in when my dog needs a bit more exercise. It is still therapeutic even though I no longer sign up for races. I hope your body cooperates so that you can enjoy that benefit too – but, honestly, walking can be just as beneficial so be gentle with yourself and take it slow.
I really appreciate these stories, Mr. Wheaton. I hope your road to 5k gets smoother. Last summer, my husband and I started exercising better than previously (thanks, COVID, for screwing up our gym routine). And then I hurt my knee by doing the exercise. I wasn’t so much angry as exasperated that I was trying go get healthier and my body noped out, especially since I don’t particularly like exercising. I don’t get the highs that people mention after exercising. I easily could have just said “welp, that’s it”, but thanks to some PT and yoga, I’m back on the exercise game and I’m taking my kiddo to Yosemite this summer where we hope to go hiking quite a bit. Kinda proud of me for not quitting. 🙂
Love this for you! Keeping pushing through the hard stuff and you open the door to good things yet to come.
Wil, have you found a PT to work with? There are ones that work specifically with runners. Especially those just starting out.
When I started running again I lived in Chicago and ran in the morning before work. I never got into listening to music on runs because I was too busy listening to my surroundings.
You are a wonderful human being and for the bigger part of my life you manage to bring light, hope and joy into my mind, whenever I cross your orbit. I cannot put in words how valuable it is, what you are doing. Thank you for that. All the best from Berlin!
I have over a decade working with adult beginner triathletes, and our #1 motto is “Don’t Break The Beginners!”. Not just physically, but also mentally and emotionally. Beginners (and re-Beginners) have so much going on at once that it is easy to break things, in one way or another, or all at once.
I’d first recommend a gait analysis (free, next you’re in San Diego). Second would be checking how well your warmup, cooldown and recovery processes are working for you. Third would be building self-assessment tools you can use to detect, monitor and remedy issues WELL BEFORE experiencing pain.
All-around physical fitness (functional strength training + various cardio) is the only anti-depressant that has ever worked for me, so I’m hyper-motivated to minimize everything that can interfere with my strongly-linked physical and mental wellbeing. While that may sound like I’d be over-cautious, I’m still setting various PRs despite the fact that I’ll be turning 70 later this year. Consistent progress, very carefully performed.
There are also therapy techniques from (and adjacent to) CBT that can help with the mental and emotional portions of sport and fitness. Staying tightly focused on the body yet also staying fully aware of the surrounding world. Discerning damage-discomfort from fatigue-discomfort.
Perhaps the hardest thing to learn is how to calibrate RPE (Rate of Perceived Exertion, the sense of how hard we’re pushing/working) against the body’s actual status. It’s far better then relying on the numbers on a Garmin or Apple watch, but it is also more difficult. The thing is, one’s RPE calibration is a moving target, especially so for beginners (and re-beginners). So reassessing RPE itself is a continual need.
However, once the mind, body and heart are well-aligned in performing and monitoring an activity, steady and gentle growth is the inevitable result.
Even despite the occasional and inevitable setbacks.
Please keep blogging – I love your posts – they are so real. I’m (gulp) older than you but in same mode on so many levels – EMDR helped me a lot too – you inspire me every day – we all just gotta keep movin – to stop moving forward is to die – and I ain’t ready for that no way, no how!
Doggone it Wil Wheaton, every time I think I’m going to unsubscribe because of the many many many times I just don’t have time to read your wonderful writing, I stop, and I read something that is so personally real and relevant to me that now I give up. I am never unsubscribing from your newsletter. You are stuck with me as a reader for the ever and that’s that.
🫶
Thanks so much for sharing this! It is a great story. hugz to you for your body not being cooperative. HugZ! to you for not letting it keep you down! 😀
Be super proud of yourself for keeping on trying even when you have set backs. I had run in high school all three seasons of track (hated it the whole time – my mom thought doing sports would help getting into college) and tried to get back into running again in my 30s only to significantly hurt myself on day 3. I went too far too tast and couldn’t walk baby steps without a cane. After a week hobbling around I found a chiropractor who helped me be able to walk again after 3 sessions. He somehow popped whatever I had popped out being hard on myself in my back and legs back in. He thought it was a miracle and told me I had destabilized my knees and suggested an MRI. I was so happy about being able to walk I settled for that. The next year I went to a regular check up and my doctor noticed my knees were swollen. He ordered an x-ray and prescribed naproxen if it bothered me. The next year I went back and the first thing he said was “How’s the running going?” I said “Dr. Brooks’s I haven’t been doing any running.” He said “Good. I looked at your xrays your knees are terrible. Try to find someone to carry you around!” (I live in a city lol). So since then I’ve switched to no to low impact activity on machines and try to swim at the gym and do yoga. I also started horseback riding at 45 which 5 years later I’m super mediocre at it, terrified a lot but really enjoy just doing it.
Since this seems to be a recurring ongoing issue, I would strongly suggest that you consult with either your PCP or an orthopedic doctor. Take care of yourself Wil, look at what just happened to Kyle Busch…pneumonia, sepsis, and deceased at 41 years old. I, for one, enjoy having you around and I think I speak for everyone when I say that we’d like to keep you around for a while 🙏
Also I’m proud of you. My knee gave out on me one day, and I haven’t been able to run since. And just now I felt like crying over it. I don’t think I will, not today, but I have had some big feelings about it and haven’t wanted to deal with it.
Today is my last day working as a teacher. I did it for 11 years, and I would do it forever if it didn’t mean my kids would have to pay for my retirement. I have kind of a pile of things I have to process. I don’t want to. Do you ever feel that way, that you just don’t want to? What I want to do is go run somewhere and work it out that way. But I can’t.
Instead, I want to tell you about all the Hobbit projects I got this week. I have a hundred students, and they turned in projects of astonishing quality this week. I had one kid make a sculpture of the One Ring. Two kids made songs. A couple made videos, one of them was a knockoff of Hell’s kitchen that I’m calling Troll’s Kitchen. The judges are Tom, William, and Bert. We’re workshopping it. Another kid made a beautiful sculpture of Smaug. One kid spent 90 hours building a Minecraft model of Middle Earth. He sent me the video and he could have floated, he was so proud. I wish I could show you pictures. Oh oh oh a couple of them made games. Like one made Hobbit Monopoly. And another girl made a set of trading cards with all the main characters. She didn’t leave out Beorn, either. One kid made a new style of basketball game for elves that was a cross between basketball and hockey. It kind of works. It’s one reason I can walk away. proud, knowing that these children made their own treasures, adding some piece of imagination and creativity to the world. I wanted them to KNOW they could do that.
This post got long. Anyway, thanks for writing about your frustration with your body. I get mad at mine all the time. Now that I’m older. I’m trying to stop doing that. It’s not like it helps. In the mornings. I’m doing all kinds of new maintenance tasks LOL. Thanks for being on this journey with me, another trip around the Sun. 😎🫶
I needed to hear this so badly. You expressed a lot of the same feelings that I’m dealing with and gave words to them that I didn’t realize I needed to hear. It released a pressure valve in me and gave me a lot of hope. Thanks.
I’m struggling with a lot of things too. I’m proud of you thank you for being proud of me. 💖
I know the feeling (being 52) and glad you have come to accept the body ain’t what it was. I had a life of bad food and too much booze. Now I am in Arnolds pump club and it teaches you the only person you compete against is yourself. Doesn’t matter what others can do, it’s all about improving the current you into a better you. Keep doing what you are doing and listen to the body if it isnt ready 💪
OMG, Wil, so inspiring! I’m 68 years old and although I do exercise regularly it seems the things that used to be easier 5 years ago are SO much harder. I have to remember to not beat myself up and be gentle with my body when that’s what it needs. I really understand, at least to some extent, what you’re feeling and it’s hard. But, it’s so worth it to just be good yourself and keep trying and your story reminded me of all that. Thank you.
Thanks Wil. As someone who loves someone who deals with similar childhood trauma, I really appreciate you sharing your experiences. Also, Kerosene is one of my all time favorite songs. Recipe for Hate is a great bike ride home after a crappy day at work album.
Wil there were many times reading this my heart broke for you.
I always find it the hardest thing when you do all the work to be a badass and reparent your self, and then boom trauma lies. And the lack of parental love popping up just to hold your head underwater when stuff is going sideways? Just the poop on the sundae.
I’m sorry things have been so tough lately, and for the pain flare up pushing your plan out of whack.
I know I’m just a random nerd on the interweb, but in case you need to hear it, I’m proud of you. Making your worth a priority, sticking with your mission, and letting yourself feel the feels? That’s Captain quality care right there.
LLAP 🖖🏻
Ripley
Wil there were many times reading this my heart broke for you.
I always find it the hardest thing when you do all the work to be a badass and reparent your self, and then boom trauma lies. And the lack of parental love popping up just to hold your head underwater when stuff is going sideways? Just the poop on the sundae.
I’m sorry things have been so tough lately, and for the pain flare up pushing your plan out of whack.
I know I’m just a random nerd on the interweb, but in case you need to hear it, I’m proud of you. Making your worth a priority, sticking with your mission, and letting yourself feel the feels? That’s Captain quality care right there.
LLAP 🖖🏻
Ripley
This is just what I needed to read today. I’m in a pain flare from autoimmune diseases. They trigger me as I was in 24/7 pain flares for years, UNTIL I started therapy & did EMDR in 2021. I also have those childhood traumas & C-PTSD. Thanks to EMDR, I started RUNNING (my docs said I’d be in a wheel chair by then) and beating my lifetime 5k records at age 41… I was on the top of a mountain (sometimes literally). But lately, it’s been bad. (I also check every morning….waiting….). The pain today is intense. My body laughed at the ibuprofen. I feel a massive cry needing to pour out of me. So much grief! I’m quite overwhelmed right now. ……
But your blog is inspiring & just what I needed to see in my email box. Thank you. (April Bash)
How oddly coincident. After putting off exercise for 10 years at 58 I decided to join my wife’s full body gym. Six days a week we workout for 30 minutes or more, with a constantly changing routine. It’s been great, I’ve shed pounds, gained muscle, improved my blood pressure, and have grown closer to the misses as well. As a life long introvert, it’s challenging to put myself in social situations, but the daily positive feedback from others, who are also on a journey of self improvement, is motivational. Speaking of motivation and “The Warning”, do yourself a favor, go to YouTube, and watch the video of them as middle schoolers rocking Metallica. Then immediately go watch footage from a recent concert. It’s amazing what can come from such humble beginnings.
Hi Wil,
You played Ticket to Ride with me at PAX while I was in grad school for Acupuncture. I’ve now been in practice for over a decade and specialize in Orthopedic Acupuncture, working with OTs and PTs, mostly using my skills for undeserved populations, here in Oregon. It sounds an awful lot like you’ve got a Glute Minimus issue. I’ve treated folks who had this muscle in spasm for decades. I’d be happy to help you find a provider locally, if you’d like.
Bryce
Hey Will, Raven here. I just saw your big bang episode the debut will you play the game against Sheldon and it made me laugh, till I had tears in my eyes. I hope you feel better soon.