I walked out of the loading dock, through a cloud of rotting garbage, and into the alleyway behind the theater. A curtain of rain fell between me and my destination, a little over a block away.
“Do you want to wait here, while I get you an umbrella?” Liz, the producer from Wizards of the Coast, asked me.
“No,” I said, stepping into the rain, extending my arms outward and turning my palms and face to the sky, “it’s been so long since I felt rain fall on my body, I’m not going to let this opportunity pass me by.”
I walked down the sidewalk, surrounded by other PAX attendees. Some were not bothered by the rain, while others held up programs and newspapers and other things to keep it away. A man walked his dog next to me. The dog was unperturbed by the weather. We got to the corner and waited for the light to change. The rain intensified and it was glorious.
“Are you sure this is okay?” She said.
“Oh yes, this is so much more than okay,” I answered, “this is perfect.”
Earlier
Les Baxter’s soothing sounds were not soothing at 6am. Quiet Village played on my phone, which was, by comparison, better to wake up to as an alarm than an actual alarm’s jarring screech. Still, at 6am, the only thing I want to hear is whatever is in my dreams.
I dragged myself out of bed, silenced my alarm, and started my day.
Coffee.
Muffin.
Shower.
Hairstyle.
Retry hairstyle.
Beard oil.
Retry hairstyle.
Brush teeth.
Give up and accept hairstyle.
Elevator.
Lobby.
“Good morning,” April, from Wizards of the Coast, said.
“LIES!” I said with a smile.
“Can I get you a coffee?”
“Yes. You can get me all the coffee.”
“How would you like your coffee?” A new guy asked me, joining us. “I’m Brad from Wizards,” he told me.
“Angry. I want a big cup of angry coffee.”
We all laughed as Ashly Burch joined us.
“Good morning, Ashly,” April said.
“More lies,” I said, “there is no such thing as a good morning at bullshit o’clock.”
We went on like this for a few more minutes, my anti-morning sass offset by Ashly’s relentless happiness and positivity. Coffees in hand, we walked out of our hotel and a few blocks away to the theater where we were hosting the Battle for Zendikar preview show for Wizards of the Coast, thirteen hours in the future.
Rehearsal went as well as a rehearsal can at 7am (bullshit o’clock plus one hour, if you’re scoring on the Wheaton Clock), and a second run through was legitimately good. The point of the thing was to introduce a bunch of new cards that are about to come out in the Battle for Zendikar set, and to do it in a way that was hopefully amusing to the people on the room, and the Magic fans watching on the Internet. In a little over thirteen hours, we’d know if we succeeded.
I thanked everyone for a good couple of run throughs, went back to my hotel, and took a nap. I woke up, ate a sandwich, and took another nap. Then I woke up for real, went downstairs, and headed back into PAX to play Magic against as many people as I could in two hours.
If the presentation was the work, this was going to be the fun. I haven’t played Magic competitively in well over ten years, and I’ve only played casually in the last five or six years. Until I started preparing for this weekend, I didn’t know what was happening in the story of Magic, and there were a lot of current mechanics that I wasn’t familiar with. But I did a ton of homework, and with the help of some friends (especially my friend, Graham Stark, who really held my hand through the whole process), I entered the battlefield, as ready as I could be against players who dueled on a regular basis.
In the story of Magic, the world of Zendikar is currently being attacked by a species of terrifying creatures called the Eldrazi. These creatures are massive and ancient and hungry. They are so hungry, they devour everything in whatever plane they happen to invade. From their point of view, this isn’t a bad thing (they just want to scoop up everything available at the buffet), but from the point of view of literally every other living thing in the multiverse, the Eldrazi need to be stopped and contained. So these powerful Planeswalkers used the magic inherent to Zendikar along with these things called Hedrons to trap the Eldrazi there. Everything was great for a few thousand years, but now things are not so great. The Eldrazi are awake, hungry, and anxious to get back to feeding, starting with Zendikar itself.
That’s where I and a bunch of really cool and interesting people come in. We all played the role of the Eldrazi, in duels against players who were the representing the Zendikari. I had one deck that was built around summoning these massive Eldrazi creatures, and the players had their choice of three different decks that used different strategies, according to their skill level.
The players were, literally, battling for Zendikar. When a certain number of player victories were achieved, the image of an Eldrazi creature on a huge screen would be replaced with the image of a preview card from the next set, Battle for Zendikar. It was a clever and fun way for Magic fans to both duel against some cool and interesting people (or me), while they also worked as a group to get a first look at what’s coming up next in the game they love to play.
It was incredibly fun. I’m not good at Magic by any objective measure, and I’m certainly not going to offer any kind of meaningful challenge to a player who is experienced in tournament play … but I am pretty good at playing a role, and in these duels I was playing the role of the bad guys, which is something I’m fairly comfortable — some may even say good at — doing.
I learned how my deck was constructed with the help of Rich Hagon, a Pro Tour announcer. “You want to stay alive long enough to get enough mana to cast these big creatures,” he told me. “It won’t be easy, but when you can hit them, you’ll hit them hard.”
“Back when I played regularly, I liked to play with small, fast, ‘death by a thousand cuts’ decks, so this is the opposite of my preferred playing style,” I told him. “I think it’s going to be fun to get out of my comfort zone and do something different.”
Rich wished me luck, we discussed the possibility of him joining me for Tabletop next season, and I got ready to go to work. Well, I mean, to play. Even though I was technically working, I was actually actually playing in the way people play for enjoyment. Playing was also my job for the next few hours, so I guess I was going to work to play. Which was for work. But mostly for play.
Still with me? Good.
I got wrecked in my first game, which gave me tons of mana but not a lot of creatures. I won my second game, using a bunch of smaller creatures to absorb damage from the other player while I got more and more lands into play, finally casting a couple of Eldrazi who were very big and very nasty, including Ulamog the Infinite Gyre.
Win or lose, though, a couple of things happened in every duel:
- I had a really good time, and so did the other player.
- None of the people I played with traded the joy of playing for the pursuit of winning.
- Every player told me how excited they were to play with me, and that they’d been hoping I’d be the Eldrazi (from the more than twenty possible players) they’d face.
This last thing was really awesome, because I could feel how happy it made these people to play with me. I’ve been feeling pretty much the opposite of awesome for several weeks, now, and actually getting to sit down, face to face, in a semi-quiet few moments with real people who wanted to be there with me was … restorative, I guess is the best word. One player told me, “Thank you for everything you do. From Tabletop to Titansgrave — which is the best thing I’ve ever seen — to talking so openly about anxiety and depression.” He then destroyed me, with the final life counts being -8 for me, and 43 for him. It was awesome.
Part of my Depression is this voice that never stops telling me that I suck. Part of my Depression is this constant fear that everyone will know how afraid of failure I am. Part of my Depression is this relentless worrying, in the face of mountains of evidence to the contrary, that I’m never going to do anything that matters.
I know that all of those thoughts — occasionally sincerely held beliefs, even — aren’t rational. I know that they are intrusive and part of depression lying, but when the depression and anxiety are very strong and very loud and I’m feeling very sad about some things, the guard who sits between my rational mind and my irrational emotions is easy to sneak past, and when Depression sees that happen, it makes the most of the opportunity.
I was really worried that I was going to suck when I did the presentation with Ashly on Saturday night. I was really worried that Magic players — who aren’t exactly renowned for being the most welcoming and inclusive people on the planet — wouldn’t give me a chance, because I don’t play as frequently or intensely as they do. I was worried that I would be tired and that I would make stupid mistakes that made me look unprepared. Depression saw all of that, and it pounced. I was, basically, a big ball of anxiety up until the moment the presentation was finished, and for a fair amount of time after, too.
I did make some stupid mistakes, but I thought I pulled out of them in an entertaining way (the folks who hired me told me they liked what I did, and the writers of the script were pleased with what I did, so I’ll let them judge). Ashly was perfect, and she made us both look better than I deserved. But I really did have fun talking with Mark Rosewater, who is the head designer for Magic, when we revealed to the world the preview cards we showed during the duels, and some others (like full frame dual lands) that made Magic fans go bananas.
(If you can spell bananas without Gwen Stefani doing it for you in your head, you’re missing out on something great.)
So putting it all together, it was a good and successful event. Yeah, the people who hate something that I do because I did it are always there, and yeah the type of Magic player who needs to be a gatekeeper didn’t like it, and there were some people who just didn’t like it because it wasn’t what they were looking for. All of that is totally fine, of course, but they were outnumbered by at least 20:1, and maybe even more.
But all of that isn’t even the best part of the day, or even the trip, for me.
The best part of the day came at the end of my last duel. The guy I was playing with was kicking my ass. I was down to, I think, 5 or 7 life, and he was still close to 20. I got super lucky and was able to play a card that wipes everything off the table that isn’t colorless, which cleared off all his creatures and gave me a couple of rounds to get out Ulamog, who went to work destroying all of his lands and creatures, and then devouring him. With the win, I finished 4 and 3 on the afternoon.
I extended my hand and thanked him for playing, because it was a genuinely fun and challenging match. He took my hand and he said, “I was really hoping that I’d get to play with you, because you saved my life.” Before I could respond, he continued, “everything you’ve written and shared about anxiety and depression helped me get treatment for my own mental health.”
It’s not the first time someone has said something like this to me, but this guy and I had spent about twenty minutes playing a game together, and we’d sort of bonded a little bit, the way people do when they’re playing a game. I felt an unexpected swell of emotion, and I said, “I’m really happy to know that I could help you the way Jenny Lawson helped me. I have to tell you that I haven’t been feeling very awesome lately, and the last few weeks have really been a struggle. In fact, I’ve had to take [medication] every day this week just to get through the day.”
He laughed. “Me too!”
“The thing I think we have to remember is that there is no finish line with depression, anxiety, or any other sort of mental illness. We’re on this path, and the path is constantly changing. Sometimes it’s flat and well-marked, and we can see all the way to the horizon.” I realized that I had gone from shaking his hand to holding it. “Other times, it’s so heavily shrouded in fog and mist, we can’t even see past our fingertips and we need someone to show us where the path is. And sometimes, we come to a wall that we don’t think we’ll ever get over. I’ve been staring at the base of that wall for weeks, and just now you helped me remember that there are always handholds to get up and over it.”
“You were one of my handholds,” he said, with a squeeze of my hand.
And that’s when we both began to cry.
“I’m sorry,” I said, wiping tears off my cheeks, “it’s been a really shitty few weeks, and you just really, really made me feel better about myself.”
We began to laugh through the tears, and when we composed ourselves, we took a picture together.
“Thanks for playing with me,” I said, “and thanks for … everything else, too.”
“You’re welcome,” he said.
“Play more games!” I said.
“I will!”
The announcer told the crowd that we were about to reveal another new card, and there was much rejoicing.
Later
I had a little less than an hour between finishing the games and starting the presentation.
Again, I walked back to the hotel to change my clothes. I reflected on my final duel, and another, similar conversation I had with a different player right after it that is so deeply personal I’m not going to recount it.
It was raining, again. I looked up into it, again, and let the rain fall on my face.
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Thank you for sharing Wil. Sometime you just gotta stand in the rain. 🙂
How can we be all “Hey Ash, whatcha playin’?” if you tell us what you’re playing right away? 😀
Thank you for sharing this. It means a lot. x
Thank you so much for sharing this.
I so feel you!I was in a random shooting in 1981,shot in left leg in Oregon.First alert that I had depression came out in PTSD.Then discovered later my mom suffered from it, grandfather…it’s genetic,I didn’t know.Depression/anxiety/PTSD you can recognize those with it.They have a depth to them “something more” when you see them.It’s a very costly asset.I’ve noticed people being drawn to me more(even when that’s the last thing I want).They’re curious,”what is it I see in her/him?”So,found out in the 40+ years since I was shot that really there is no hiding so what’s the point?You get good at putting on the happy face,and it’s ok.Fake it till you feel it.Somedays are easier to fake than others.Most days I look back and say:You know it really wasn’t that bad – it really was quite good.I’ve always loved your work,your blog – first time commenting.Thank you for sharing yourself with those of us who do and don’t have depression, anxiety, or PTSD.It is not a club we want to be a part of but it’s sometimes good to know it’s nothing to be ashamed of.You shine brightly, Wil, keep shining!
Good at playing bad guys? After seeing the season finale of “Dark Matter”, I tend to agree 😉
That is a beautiful story. And I’m sure there are many of us who share that man’s sentiments when it comes to you and Jenny, and how open both of you have been about your mental and emotional health. These posts provide more handholds for us — thank you for that.
awww, Wil you just made my eyeballs leak.
Be well. You bring much joy to lots of people in this world, me among them.
I love you Wil. You are such an inspiration. You have changed my life too. Thank you for sharing yourself and helping others feel less different and alone.
i love this so much….because not only did i belly laugh…but i started to tear up when you shared the end.
this weekend was very taxing on me…and i was REALLY REALLY fighting last nite about fears/doubts and everything…i know it is going to be ok…but yea it was a rough evening. :(….so i’m happy to read this…and am happy you shared <3
That voice that keeps telling me I suck…needs to be countered with that voice that says…YOU DO NOT SUCK!!!! I’ve had to catch myself and shout into the mirror… lol!!!
hugs to all
I have anxiety/depression related to chronic pain from a skeletal disorder. I had a VERY difficult time dealing with it because it happened suddenly and fiercely. Your blog helped me deal with it, get treatment and stay relatively sane. Hey… I’m an artist, relatively sane is as good as it gets.
I always tell people to read your blog even if gaming isn’t their thing. You are the quintessential nice guy. In the Oxford Dictionary under “nice guy” your name should be there.
More puppy pics!!!
Want to say something here but just not sure what. My mom battled depression, and countless loved ones I know struggle with it. I deal with anxiety myself. I guess I just want to say ‘thanks’ for being open, and telling people they’re not alone.
You made me cry half a world away. You’re awesome. Take good care of yourself, Wil. We want many more stories from you for a long time to come. Much love from a fellow depressed person.
This is one of the most beautiful things I’ve read in a long time. I know people tell you this all the time, so I will add to the chorus. You are awesome, Wil Wheaton!
I feel like anything insightful I want to say about this won’t come close. You can feel the emotion in the words you’ve used and that alone speaks volumes. Others can tell you until they’re blue in the face how important and frankly how “worth it” you are, but sometimes you can’t see the forest through the trees. Thank you for this.
Damn, Wil, that was fine! Thank you for sharing that.
@spacewriter
I just started following you on Facebook (I’m not much of a Tumblr person and not that into to Twitter, either). I had no idea about your mental health issues and I am in awe of your candor and fearlessness in sharing your stories. Thank you. I just had one of those wonderful, epiphanic moments where the switch was flipped and I just said to myself, “Those things you’re thinking about, like life has no meaning, are not true. That is your illness speaking its lies.” It is constant work and it is so wonderful when another human being gets it but it is exceptional when they have a platform and can share it with so many others and sincerely help them. Again, thank you.
Thank you for sharing this with us. It illustrates so perfectly what people can do for some else without even knowing. I know it gets back to you, that you’ve helped people I mean, but I’m glad this happened in this way, at this time because it also helped you. And it helps me to read about it (warm fuzzy feelings with a dash of onions are good for the soul).
Your work has served as a safe haven for me. Something I can go to when I don’t feel well. And you have encouraged me and my friends to play more games :). Playing a game with you is actually one of the more unattainable things on my bucket list.
I hope you feel better soon, or at least closer to fine (I’m not referencing the Indigo Girls on purpose, I swear! I blame my limited English vocabulary since I’m not a native speaker). Keep up the great work and stay awesome :).
Good post! I don’t understand the Magic and tabletop style gaming stuff, because my nerd realm of choice is mainly just Star Trek. But I’m glad you had nice duels or battles with people who like you. And yes, rain and tears are healing sometimes! When the Devil is telling you that you are a failure, just remember that God made you special and the Devil is a liar! (See John 8:44.)
Wil, your journey with anxiety and depression help so many of us out here, just by your being completely open and honest. Thank you for sharing this beautiful story. You keep them coming!
Aww dammit Wil, I shouldn’t be getting all teary eyed on a Monday. Awesome story.
Thanks Wil! So many people need to hear that they’re not alone, and that depression and anxiety aren’t reasons for shame. I appreciate your willingness to put this out there. It’s a great blessing to lots of people!
So, basically, you were the embodiment of the Zendikars and your depression was the Eldrazi, but along with the other Planeswalkers and Hedrons, you were able to defeat the Eldrazi?
i feel for you Mr. Wheaton .. truly i do .. don’t listen to that voice .. 🙂 blessings to u
Well that post gave me the unexpected feels. A very heartfelt, moving, and comforting read. Thanks.
Thanks, Wil. It helps a lot of people to know that our heroes sometimes have the same challenges we do. Especially when you think you’re the only one and that nobody understands.
My wife passed away in 2009 and with that I went far down the rabbit hole of depression. I was barely hanging on and doing that only for my daughters. I had no motivation no drive not even a will to live I felt I had lost my everything and had no clue how to come back. I won’t say I know how you or anyone else feels everyone is different but, but I will say it is nice to know that there are people out there that are in the same boat as me. Roleplaying for me helps and with that let me say thank you for coming up with Titansgrave and Tabletop it got my friends back to the table and enjoying games again and I can honestly say that without my friends I wouldn’t be here today. So Wil in closing just let me say keep being awesome because the guy who said you saved his life isn’t the only one out there.
I have been struggling for a few weeks as well. Sometimes the fight is so hard! But things like this remind me that it’s okay to reach out to folks and tell them I could use a hand or a friend to walk with me while I deal with this rough time. I’m glad that you have moments that remind you to keep fighting the good fight, because even when it doesn’t feel like it, what you do matters!
You made me cry. I also have depression and anxiety and I try to follow your example by talking about it openly and trying to take the stigma away. I just had Bariatric surgery 2 weeks ago so I’m experiencing a lot of hormonal changes so I have to say I sobbed quite openly at this post but because it was beautiful. Thank you for sharing. Big hugs from me.
When I first started following you in the interwebs it was because Wil Freaking Wheaton, that’s why! Star Trek nerdiness primarily, Eureka secondarily…then I discovered you brew beer…shit, so do I!! Another amazing commonality! I even had a real life Twitter conversation with you and bragged to all my friends, “yeah, I talked to Wil Freaking Wheaton about beer…that’s how I roll…” Then I found your page here and got hooked on your musings of life, the universe and everything. While I don’t have depression I’ve battled with it when my mom died and just knowing that other people have long term battles with it helped me realize that I could get through it as well. Thanks so much for being a voice for people who struggle and for making real impacts on people’s lives. And to the irrational voice in your head, stop being a dick to Wil Freaking Wheaton already!!
Thank you for sharing, Will. You are right in that depression doesn’t really go away and that its a constant in our lives. I’ve been dealing with my own for the last several years. My friends, family, and my students all try to help me when they can, but its like a weight around your neck.
I’m glad you were able to pull yourself up even for a few moments. Keep playing games (despite your dice rolls from Hell) and know that every time you stand up you make us all think we can too.
I’m trying very hard to support a friend as she seeks treatment for her depression, anxiety, and PTSD. Thanks for the reminder that offering handholds does work.
I can see you’re daily bombarded by similar stories, but I shall leave mine here, nonetheless. Tabletop really changed my life, tabletop games became my hobbie and my way to unwind. I never invested in board games because I couldn’t seem them, didn’t know what the mechanics was. Tabletop changed all that. I was then lucky enough to find a partner that I brought to the Dark Side, and she plays (and beats me) as much as possible. I am now in a RPG group, and Titansgrave further inspired me to try and GM, which I have, to – I’m proud to say – roaring applause and laughter.
I will not presume to understand mental illness, I’ve seen family and friends suffer and it is heartbreaking. I will say only this: you are a good, inspiring, talented man. And you indirectly changed the life of someone you’ll never meet, but that nonetheless has a lot of admiration for you.
Thanks, Will. And I WILL play more games! 🙂
Rui
Thank you, you really do help us all feel better about our own anxiety and depression.
This blog post is one of my handholds this week. Thanks for being real, Wil.
You always explain depression and anxiety so well. I often feel like I am alone when it comes to my anxiety and depression. I find it difficult to articulate how it effects me to my family and friends. But you always have just the right way of explaining it and I use your explanations often. You have a gift with words and your struggle has helped so many of us seek help. Thank you!
Wil… Tom Murphy here again. 🙂
When I met you I was full of ego and pretense that everything was “grand”. It wasnt.
I was heavily depressed a lot of the time but too afraid to admit I was scared and anxious. You are one of the people who helped me write this:
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=96588501
Thats not the amazing thing. Whats amazing is what happened next, below that post… thousands of people have posted their stories.
You helped have that happen. You’ve never heard of that before so think of ALL the ripples that you’ve created for ALL the people.
I know the black dog. I know only too well how it can trash every thing you’ve ever achieved. The only solution I’ve found is evidence. Hard irrefutable evidence. So Im trying to give you some more. .. (like you need it :))
Be well my friend, hug your wife, kids (and most importantly your dogs :))
If you get time drop me a line on: tom .at. boards.ie , but if you cant get the time please know you sent ripples into my life and they went ssooooo much further 🙂
Tom.
All the feels. Thank you for sharing that.
Thanks for sharing Wil. Something I needed to read today.
tears
I don’t really suffer much from anxiety or depression. So I can’t say that you have helped me personally with that. What I can say is that you are a damned fine writer and that was both funny and really moving. Thank you.
Awesome post Wil
I still tell of the time I played (and beat!) you in an MtG game on XBox Live years ago (Gaming with the Stars or something), having passed on the chance to play with Richard Garfield. And “If Wil Wheaton can get help, so can you” was one of the big factors in getting my wife the help she needed not too long ago. So, tha ks, for both of those.
This was such a fantastic read. Thank you so much for sharing your experience and struggles and hope. It means a lot, it always helps to be reminded that it’s the people who make our lives worth living. Everyone from our closest loved ones to complete strangers, and we have the capacity to make their lives better as well with the simplest comment, smile, handshake or hug. I hope I get to meet you one day and share a similar experience. 🙂
This was lovely. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for being you. For articulating what so many cannot, for showing up and being courageous in your honesty. Your posts, your commitment to authenticity in every aspect of your life – just wow. I hope that my husband and I get to meet you one day. Maybe even become friends (I know, you have millions of people who say the same thing). Your posts have made us cry as we go through our own experiences.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you Wil for just being you.
I got my medication adjusted today….medication made possible in the first place by the fact that I saw a video of you speaking about your struggles. I would probably not be here today had I not seen that video and realized that if someone so awesome as you can struggle and get help…then it’s ok for me to do the same. Thank you.
I’m welling up just reading that. I too suffer and need my daily meds… I will keep you in my thoughts! Play more games and don’t be a dick. (0;
Thanks for sharing!!!
“Part of my Depression is this voice that never stops telling me that I suck. Part of my Depression is this constant fear that everyone will know how afraid of failure I am. Part of my Depression is this relentless worrying, in the face of mountains of evidence to the contrary, that I’m never going to do anything that matters.”
This was the most profound and deeply personal thing I have read in a long time. I have never been able to describe appropriately what I have been feeling for the last several years. Now I can.