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50,000 Monkeys at 50,000 Typewriters Can't Be Wrong

horsin’ around

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Red Dead Redemption 2 is the most emotionally profound game I have ever played. When I finished it a couple months ago, I felt a kind of wonderful sadness that something I loved was over, secure in the knowledge that I’d be able to experience the story, spend time with the characters, and explore the world all over again whenever I did a replay.

So about a week ago, after I had finished replaying the story in Red Dead Redemption 1, I started my replay. I already have a deeper appreciation for the early character interactions, because I’ve spent a hundred hours more with them than I had the first time around, and I know now that I really want to spend as much time in chapter 2 as I possibly can.

But I know that you’re not here for my philosophical ruminations on the deeper story that is happening around Arthur and his gang, and I know you aren’t here to read a thousand words about why it feels so good to leave this awful world behind for a few hours every night.

You’re here for horse names. I see you.

So Hosea wants me to go hunting with him. I know there’s a legendary bear in our future, and I know that we aren’t going to take it down on our first try, because I’ve been here before. But what I don’t remember is that Hosea wants me to take this old draft horse to the stables in Valentine and sell it, so I can get a new horse of my own.

I already have a horse, and he’s fine, but there’s nothing special about him. He’s sort of a starter horse, and he’s a good boah, but he isn’t that fast, even after we’ve reached our maximum bonding level.

So I go to the stables, I sell this big draft horse, and I pick up a Palomino. She’s beautiful, with a gorgeous white mane and some dappling on her haunches. She’s fast, and she’s going to cost me $150 of my $155.

It’s a lot of money to spend on my horse, and it’s going to be challenging to rebuild my savings this early in the game, but the alternative is a $50 horse who I don’t feel anything for. Even in a video game, an emotional connection with my horse is important to me, so I spend nearly all of my money, and buy her.

Now the game lets me give her a name, and I have to make the most important decision I’m going to make in this game for the next 24 hours of gameplay.

I have already used Mane Weidlin and Neighlor Swift. I briefly consider Nagnes Moorehead, but it’s kind of a walk, and it’s too long for the number of characters I get, anyway.

So I start thinking about horse-related terms, and I end up with “Steed” in my head…

Which is why I am delighted to introduce you all to my new horse, Tara Steed. She’s a little bit of a mess, but she means well and is doing the best she can.

She’s no Neighlor Swift, but who is, really?

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11 April, 2019 Wil

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coming soon: a limited edition hardcover novella → ← A flock of Seagals

37 thoughts on “horsin’ around”

  1. joshuamneff says:
    11 April, 2019 at 1:08 pm

    MANE WIEDLIN. I think Jane would appreciate that, animal love and weirdo that she is.

    1. joshuamneff says:
      11 April, 2019 at 1:11 pm

      Animal loveR. Silly typo.

  2. Jamison says:
    11 April, 2019 at 1:14 pm

    As someone who’s last name is “Swift”, and often gets the question, “Are you related to Taylor”… I stick my tongue out at Neighlor πŸ˜›

    You’ve talked about it a few times, and I might need to pick up RD2. I loved Zelda:BotW, and this looks like it feels similar.

  3. Feminina O'Ladybrain says:
    11 April, 2019 at 1:19 pm

    I actually kind of want your thousands of words of philosophical rumination, because I am THIS CLOSE to the end of that game right now, have poured thousands of words into discussing it, and I honestly don’t feel anything like that about it. It’s obviously a very complex and thoughtful work, and I’m fascinated by the different experiences this game seems to offer. So, you know, whenever you write that book I’ll be there for it. But in the meantime, horse names are a really good distraction.

  4. Kim Iverson says:
    11 April, 2019 at 1:21 pm

    My older brother loves that game. I’m not a player, but I love watching it played. The graphics are incredible.

  5. Julie T Byers says:
    11 April, 2019 at 1:30 pm

    Tara Steed. I like it. Nice mashup of Tara King and John Steed. I personally think Emma Steed would work as well but it’s your horse. I’m not coordinated at video games but escaping more into reading/discussing fantastic fiction like the Crown of Tremontane series is almost as good. Have fun!

    1. Jimbob Jones says:
      16 April, 2019 at 11:10 pm

      I think he’s actually making a play on “Tara Reid” if his other names are any indication.

  6. Keven Pruitt says:
    11 April, 2019 at 2:01 pm

    Wow, I haven’t felt that way about a video game since Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic. Games these days just aren’t as good. Listen to me, sounding old and curmudgeonly.

  7. KimJ says:
    11 April, 2019 at 3:02 pm

    I love your horse names. Bwhahaha *snort

  8. Paul Owen says:
    11 April, 2019 at 3:13 pm

    My son plays RDR2. I just sit alongside and watch. It’s like catching a western re-run that I’ve never seen.

  9. Shayla Jacobsen says:
    11 April, 2019 at 4:16 pm

    πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

  10. Randall says:
    11 April, 2019 at 4:47 pm

    Could you name one LeAnn or Schplendoinkle? I can’t play that game myself, as I am of old hardware.

  11. Stephanie says:
    11 April, 2019 at 4:53 pm

    Neighlor swift is adorable. Didn’t you get to make friends with Tara Reid when you had a cameo in sharknado?

  12. Richard Mote says:
    11 April, 2019 at 6:12 pm

    Wait . . . you had a Steed and you didn’t name her Emma?

  13. Molly Blue Dawn says:
    11 April, 2019 at 7:54 pm

    I’m sure she’ll peel away onto the road in a veritable gale of energy!

  14. Charles Z says:
    11 April, 2019 at 9:47 pm

    β€œShe’s no Neighlor Swift, but who is, really?” genuinely broke me. Burst out laughing so hard in bed I nearly woke the baby. Thank you Wil. I needed that.

  15. Suzanne Lewis says:
    11 April, 2019 at 11:12 pm

    I love your mind meanderings; this one complete with a Whinny the Pooh (please forgive my silly pun, but you inspired it out of me). God is sooo in the details of your writing, Wil!

  16. Spudnuts says:
    12 April, 2019 at 12:17 am

    I literally had horses dying left and right. I didn’t bother to name them, customize them. I’d just GTA it. Horse dies, grab new horse. Repeat. At first, I did do the thing a few times where you run back to the stable, but then I just said eff that. I should have named all of my horses Disposable, except I couldn’t even be bothered to type that. They were all one big meaty blur. Actually, Meaty Blur. That’s a good one.

    I read this article at Polygon awhile back on the subject and found it extremely amusing.

    https://www.polygon.com/2019/2/28/18244135/red-dead-rdr2-online-horse

  17. Steve says:
    12 April, 2019 at 4:21 am

    After reading gorgeous white mane; my first thought was Mareilyn Monroe.

    1. Wil says:
      12 April, 2019 at 10:34 am

      You are a genius, and I’m stealing this for a future horse.

  18. Carey says:
    12 April, 2019 at 6:09 am

    I would have gone with Nagatha Christie, myself. Actually, if Rockstar ever release RDR2 on PC, I’ll use that very name.

    Maybe Whinny-ona Ryder. Or is that too obvious?

  19. Keven Pruitt says:
    12 April, 2019 at 6:15 am

    Mr. Ed–y Redmeyne #drops the mic

  20. Craig says:
    12 April, 2019 at 7:29 am

    Is SeaLimpBiscuit too long?

  21. johnpowell6 says:
    12 April, 2019 at 10:09 am

    Rockstar obviously needs to reskin this as the new Barbie Riding Club.

  22. Paul says:
    12 April, 2019 at 11:47 am

    LOOK AT WIL’S HORSE, WIL’S HORSE IS AMAZING!

  23. barryingram47 says:
    12 April, 2019 at 12:32 pm

    I’d go for Horse Buchholtz, myself.

    1. Spudnuts says:
      12 April, 2019 at 7:36 pm

      This is the best of the best.

  24. Kayla says:
    13 April, 2019 at 12:17 pm

    I understand! Naming horses in games is important… especially when they cannot be renamed. This post makes me want to go play some BotW just to go ride all of my horses… because you have to keep them all active! Lol πŸ˜†

  25. Matt Willing says:
    13 April, 2019 at 3:49 pm

    The agony of choiceβ€”should it be Poni Collette or Pony Christie? If Whinny, should it be Churchill or Mandela? And if you want to get medieval on your ass, you can always go for Thomas Equinas…

  26. [email protected] says:
    14 April, 2019 at 11:28 am

    Naming a horse is very important, (it’s important for any animal!) While I don’t play online games, I used to play D&D and as a Paladin I had 2 war horses that were very important to me: Bror and Black. They were both unique and had special abilities. While I didn’t pay for them (Bror was a gift from my god, Black was a gift from my god and a demon princess), I was lucky and thrilled to have them.

  27. Wenona Gardner says:
    14 April, 2019 at 7:11 pm

    My first Haiku was about a Horse I wrote at 8 and it was published in my school paper.

    I just found out today my mother passed away! RIP Mom Eleanor Monteen Soto Mohican, Oneida, and Brothertown Medicine Woman, Pipe Carrier, and Water Protector.

    1. Molly Blue Dawn says:
      15 April, 2019 at 5:15 pm

      Hail to Eleanor Monteen Soto! May her bold spirit be blessed on her new journey!

  28. Mark S. says:
    17 April, 2019 at 8:38 pm

    You probably won’t see this but not sure where else t say it since I do social media only in limited ways and those ways don’t line up with yours. I was just flipping around the dial while I wait for a late night phone call for work and was feeling a little sorry for myself on a couple of different issues, when I found a re-run of BBT on. It was the relatively early ep where Wil Wheaton is still Sheldon’s arch nemesis, and your performance, even though I’d seen it many times before, left me laughing out loud, as always. Particularly your tone of voice and facial expression on “What?!” and then “Game Over, Moonpie.”

    Thanks for the laughs. I needed ’em tonight.

  29. Rhettro (@Rhettro) says:
    18 April, 2019 at 3:58 pm

    Lala Appaloosa

  30. David says:
    19 April, 2019 at 1:53 am

    Hey Will, Thanks for always making me smile! πŸ™‚

  31. Eddie Canter says:
    23 April, 2019 at 8:05 pm

    Epic, sprawling, thoughtful critique
    https://www.polygon.com/2019/4/22/18298277/red-dead-redemption-2-review-rdr2-story-design-criticism

  32. WearySky says:
    24 April, 2019 at 9:13 am

    This is adorable. And also makes me want to try picking up the game again. I started playing right after it came out, but just could not get into it. Only got like 3-4 hours in and it just wasn’t catching me.

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